Ramones, I want to be Sedated

Alright, this entry is a bit of a flash back to my past, one of a thousand embaressing moments in my life that looking back now I can laugh at.

Inspired by a conversation with someone close to me, and reading a article on whatever-dude.com about a few of the authors most embaressing moments.

Full warned to my viewers, this will be a bit on the crude and crass, but as my late grandmother used to say, "The big money is in dick and fart jokes."

Ok, so she didn't really say that. More like, "Don't drink all the Tang and do you want some sherbert?" Which I tell you is not nearly as funny as the "big money in dick and fart jokes," comment.

But anyways....

On with the flashback.

Now I have had some amazing feats of gas in my days. Almost legendary really. When I was young I was able to burp on command, saying the entire alpahbet or just plain talk in the burping voice. Not to mention *which I'm going to do anyways* the time I sustained a burp so long that I had to stop mid way to catch my breath then continue on with the burp.

I can see you are impressed....but keep your love and devotion in check tell I'm done with my story. Then you can smother me with awards of afection then prance me around on your shoulders as your new king....heh.

It was my sophmore year in high school. I was the least popular kid in the school, I was the anthesis of cool. I couldn't be more despised by more people if I came to school buck naked, my ass painted to look like a cheeseburer with a sign above it saying, "eat me."

So as per usual I was sitting alone in the back of the class room, not really paying attention to the teacher's speech. As I was scribling in my note book, I suddenly realized there was a distinct itch deep in my nose. I could feel it tickling away, feel the power of my sneeze building higher and higher.

Ok, this isn't so bad, sneezing is not a big deal. And I have a habit of holding in the sneeze so I don't spray my snot all over the place.

Then, as I feel the sneeze with more power then a unsuspectiong dodge ball being whipped at your head, I could feel a strong urge to fart building up down below.

Uh oh.

You know when you can feel a big one comming on. Can tell that if you let this one loose, its going to sound like a shotgun going off. An earth quake of a fart that makes your butt cheeks flap in the wind and destroy all living matter with a hundred feet behind you.

Yeah, it was one of those bad boys.

So I got the end all be all of farts churning in my nether regions as a powerfull sneeze teasingly builds up in my nose at the same time. Its like my body gathered together in some kind of conspiracy against me.

I'm looking around the room in a panicked state. I know I can't quietly bow out of the class to head to the bathroom to let it lose in there. It would be like bowing to the will of my body, every movment I make will just bring it on faster. Like quicksand but it smells like shit and leaves you sitting in embarresment.

So I did the only thing I could do in this situation. I clenched my cheeks as tightly as I could and begin praying this wouldn't turn out like how I knew it would.

I tried fighting my instinct to hold the sneeze in, knowing the force of it will make that fart shoot out of my ass like a speeding bullet out of a barrel. But try as I might, my concentration to keep my cheeks held tighter together then security at Fort Knocks, and the sensation of building up at both ends made it impossible for me to not hold it in.

Now I don't know if you all remember, but a school seat had a way of making the tinest of farts sound like a gun shoot echoing in the room. Something about hard plastic on a metal frame and a quiet class room to make it sound like you just bitch slapped your grandmother in church.

So with all the force of that sneeze held in me, it had to go somewhere. Kaboom, my fart came out so loudly it sounded like I set off a bomb in the class room. I panickly looked around the room in dire hopes no one noticed the fart, maybe thought that noise was my sneeze.

Judging by the complete silence and all the starring, horrorified faces turned to me, that aint what they thought.

At that moment you could have heard a cricket fart, it was that quiet. The only thing to break the silence was the sudden burst of laughter from everyone in the class room. Even the teacher was having a tough time keeping a straight face.

Mortified, I dropped my head down on the desk, just wishing this moment would pass, that the class could be over with and I could be as far away from all of them as I could.

I swear the only way that could have been worse is if I crapped my pants a little bit with that fart. Which I can gladly say was not the case, but damn it was a powerfull one, actually made my ass hurt after that.

Ok, to much information....sorry.

So ends my little embaressing story...hope I got a little chuckle out of you even though it was vulgar and crass.

Oh, and on a final note, tht sucker stunk to holy hell.

Mental note: Never again eat burritos with hot sauce the night I am in a public place.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003