She was a cute, young thing with a hard body and a swish to her step that made me wish I had a bib on. Fighting the urge to whip my dick out and show her why they call me Pee Wee Strong Bone, I walk up to her with a confident swagger and about five feet of toilet paper stuck to my left shoe.

ME: Hey sweet thang, how you doin?

Sex in heels: Why nothing stud, just trying to find me something to occupy my night with.

Well imagine my suprise when she didn't slap me or throw her drink in my face. Even though we where in a video store, in my experience many women carry around drinks just for the sole purpose of throwing them in my face.

Sex in heels: So tell me darlin, what are you looking for?

ME: A documentry on the mating habits of the South African Lion. I need it for a paper I'm writting for the ASPCA, which will eventually lead to end poaching of all animal life in Africa.

I lied like a priest caught with his hand in a choir boy's pants.

Sex in heels: Well aren't you the bright one.

ME: Well, I certainly don't like to brag, but here is my IQ test results offically making my IQ the highest of all time. I'd show you my pulitzer prize, but I lent it to a middle eastern peace commettee so it may stop the years of war and represion in that area of the world. When I finally have brought peace to them, I shall go on a three year expedition that will solve world hunger and find the cure for cancer, AIDS, and morning breath.

And the Oscar goes too...

Needless to say, but I wooed her like a White House intern. Before we parted, she invited me over to her parent's house the next evening for dinner.

Wanting to impress my future ex-wife, I came waering my best outfit. I was regal in my "people suck" t-shirt, MC Hammer parachute pants, and Van Halen 1984 world tour member's only jacket.

Not being one to waste my time, instead of bringing her flowers, I instead brought her a gift basket of condoms, lubricants, and jumper cables.

Anxious to get this started, I rang there doorbell. While waiting for someone to answer the door, I had noticed that they had a dog. Problem was I noticed this fact when a strange funk permiated from me, which turned out to be a particularly runny piece of dog shit stuck to the bottom of my shoe. So when finally the father opened the door, he found me hunched over, grasping tightly to there "keep off the grass" sign, using it to get the chunckier pieces out from between the tracks of my shoes.

Father: So you must be my daughter's date.

ME: Hello old man, meet the father of your future grand children. Now get me a white russian then get lost, I got a night planned of making babys to get started.

Not impressed with my first impression, he reluctantly let me in his house. That was his first mistake...

Tracking dog shit all over there preaty white carpeting, I came into there humble abode and proceded to make myself feel at home. Meaning I crashed in the best chair, snagged the remote control, put my hand down my pants and fondled my balls, then let out a juicy fart that lingered for about an hour.

Her mother seem to be the perpetually nervous type as she kept fidgeting in her seat. It probably didn't help I kept flashing the butt of the gun under my jacket then mimming the words "you are dead" by pointing at her then sliding my finger across my throat as if cutting it.

Mother: So tell me....what do you do for a living?

ME: Well, I used to be the top pimp on 34th street tell my prized bitch got ran over by a southern baptist's family car, which poisend me on the business. Now I run cock fights out of the basement of Wu Chi's house of chicken fingers, but don't go telling anybody about this or I'll cut you, beotch!!

Fairly confident I have gotten on the good side of her parents, I knew I was a three course meal away of riding there daughter like the prize winning horse.

So the meal was finally served, and we all sat around the dining room table and had small talk while eating what I think was meant to be food, but looked more like what I found under my rear right tire after I ran over that dear last summer.

As for small talk, I decied to bring up a particularly intersting episode of a real life emergency room. Seems this man was shot severl times, and was whimpering like a little bitch about the sucking chest wound hurting. I went into great detail on a very humorous part of the show when the cracked open his ribs and his heart exploded in the faces of the ER doctors.

Finding this story particularly funny, I laughed so hard I nearly pissed my scooby doo underoos. Through tears in my eyes, I noticed a sickly look on all there faces which I found to be quite rude since I was still in the middle of eating my food.

I was quite perplexed when the father, all red faced and slobering, threatened to call the police if I wasn't out of their home in the next ten seconds.

Not one to go without leaving a longing impresion, I decided to leave a few memorabilia's behind. So I pissed on there drapes, took a steaming dump on there carpeting, set there couch on fire, then anally raped there dog.

Needless to say, I wasn't invited back again.

This entry is purely ficticious, and none of the characters are real or based on anyone real *except me of course*. Out of shear boredom and a need to do something strange, this entry was born. Tranlsated to more simple terms, this entry was a complete lie....well everything but that bit about the pulitzer prize of course...heh*

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003