In case you are interested my last entry is right here.

Well come tomorow, sink or swim, I'll be spending the next month writing a 50,000 word novel. In case you didn't catch the entry why I'm doing this, just check out this site about Nano Writing.

I have to say I'm a bit nervous about doing this, yet still excited to do it. I'm worried that my current idea I will be going with is good in theory, but translates better as a shorter story rather then a novel.

Its a bit different then what I have written in the past, more of a strange love story then anything else.

But I won't know how well it can turn out tell I start writing it, which I should be doing sometime this weekend.

I just hope that the fears I have of never being able to finish a full book and have it be decently readable are not true.

I've been thinking a lot lately of the meaning of love. True love, the kind you only hear in fantasy tales and in movies. Where all is perfect, the fire always burns and the love never ends.

Now I've never been in a true long term relationship with a woman so I can't be completely sure how it would be for me. All I can go by is how my relationship with friends goes and how I feel in my heart.

Which is still not a true measurment to that kind of relationship. Where its more then being friends, more then being lovers. Its a bond only held by two people, a extension of one self in another human being.

And as lovely as the thought of true romance book love is. The fact is its almost impossible for a lot of people to come even close to such a romance in there life. So many end up comprimisiing cause they think this is it. This is as good as its going to get and thats all I'm ever going to find.

To me thats a sad thought. To just "deal with it" when it comes to the one you love. Isn't love suppose to be the thing that finaly gives you that complete feeling in your life. Minus a career or some long term goal, isn't that the other half of what makes life so sweet?

I'm not sure if I'm completely naive about this and pretty much talking out my ass. I have a belief that love and the bond between two people need to have a few certain things in order to work and always stay true.

Its the simple things that keep it true. The willingness to share the deepest most intimate thoughts. Of doing for that special someone the same things you expect from them. To willingly take an extra step because not only do you want to for them, but know they will do the same thing for you.

I don't know if I'm overly idealistic or I'm blessed (cursed?) with only knowing how to care with all my heart. To me it seems the sun would only shine when a smile would cross her lips, set a twinkle in her eyes that makes your heart skip a beat. That there is no greater joy in the world then to see that special someone happy and no greater pain in the world then to see them suffering.

For me it seems when someone can touch me that deeply I get a bit on the sappy side. I'm doing things like spending days on end looking for that perfect gift for her on a birthday or christmas. Trying to think of new ways to suprise her just to witness that pleasant happiness cross her face.

When a love like that touches my heart I find a true need to want to write long, sappy, and flowery poems of love dedicated to her.

Yeah I know, I'm disgusting like that.

I know I want to be there for that special someone when she most needs it. Hold her when all she wants to do is hide from the world. Spend long, lazy weekends with her in bed just laying there basking in each other's presence. Sleeping with my arms wrapped around her, bodies pressed together. Feeling that certain heart dropping absence you get after you have spent quite awhile wrapped in with someone and they get up to do a simple thing like go to the bathroom. I want to laugh with her, experience the joys of the world and know they will only be the better cause I have shared them with her. I want to be able to do something great in my life, turn around and see her there with a big knowing smile because she knows deep down inside how great I feel in my heart with this accomplishment. When she hurts I want to massage the pain away, soak it up inside me so that I may carry this burden so she would not have to suffer it one more minute.

I know I want this, I want it all. I know it deep in my heart to be more true then anything I have ever felt to be true before.

Yet I worry it is not to be so. That it is all just fantasy and that what I seek can only be true between the pages of some book.

I see all these people in relationships with others and I find it hard to see the love that is suppose to bind them. All I can see is the comprimises they take and the bitterness lieing deep in those comprimises when the other is unwilling to sacrifice just the same.

I see all this and wonder if I'm doomed to live in the shell of what apears to be love, but in reality is a means to fend off the fear of being alone for the rest of my life.

I don't know whats more frightening, or more preffered, at this point in my life. Spending the rest of my life alone in my heart and living the fantasy in my head. Or finding someone who is just as afraid to be alone as me and is willing to "put up with me" so that they don't lie awake at night and wonder if someone will ever weep over there death bed.

I don't know, maybe I think about this to much and don't act enough on what my heart desires. Maybe I have to much time to think about all this and need to find some form of a distraction to keep me from thinking about it so much.

I'd say this write a 50,000 word novel in a month would be plenty of a distraction. Only my idea is a love story of sorts, which would mean I'd be thinking about it all even more so I can focus on the book's idea.

Or maybe, as someone put it before, I'm just really in need of getting layed.

Somehow, it doesn't seem that simple.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003