Q&A for the Truelly Lame

Now, slap your ass cheeks together and welcom our host. The man you love to watch do that voodoo that he does so well...

RICHARD "DICK" HURTZ!!

*A priest, a rabi, a minsiter, three bums off the streets to get warm, and the 1982 Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders all leap up from there impromptu orgy and applaud. Out from behind a black curtain walks a rotund man wearing chinos and a dickie, comb over of three extremely long hairs from the crack of his ass*

DICK HURTZ: Thank you, thank you very much, you are a great audience. Oh Ted....

ANNOUNCER TED: Yes Dick?

DICK HURTZ: Remember, you owe me one. So next time you are giving it to your wife red shoes diary style, have her scream my name.

*fake laugh track inserted*

ANNOUNCER TED: Funny you should mention that, she did scream your name in the middle of sex the other day. Said something about using the french tickler and the lube. Kind of strange don't you think.

DICK HURTZ: Oh shit...THAT was your wife. Gee buddy if I had known that I would have stuck to strictly back door action.

but anyways...

We honored to introduce tonights special guest. A man with a plan to haress your sister, set fire to your house, fuck your wife and kill your dog.....

GAWAIN

*Out walks Gawain wearing a black t-shirt that says "fuck you". He flips off the studio audience as he makes his way over to Dick, giving him a double bird right in his face before taking his seat on the futon*

DICK HURTZ: Well, welcome to our show Gawain.

GAWAIN: Fuck you.

DICK HURTZ: You are a pit bull, you have a choice of either A)Biting off the mail man's ass B)Piss on the neighbor's newspaper C) Hump the prize poodle down the street. Tells us why that choice and what do you think of these pants?

GAWAIN: Well Richard, I think i'd have to choose Option D, pissing on your pants, and then humping your leg. Or maybe option E, cramming your goddamn pants down your

fucking neck and THEN humping your leg, because I like the skin to skin contact.

DICK HURTZ: Well I like option F where I scream like a girl and run away.....I never was big on the humping of the leg thing.

You have mentioned hot freaky sex with Ever several times, but never gotten into details. Tell us, what is the strangest thing you ever did with.........ketchup?

GAWAIN: Well, to be perfectly honest, I don't use food when having sex. I find that it just makes you sticky, and since the hot monkey jungle love often goes on for

several days, I wouldn't want anything "on" me that needs to be refridgerated. Ketchup is good on weiners though. Or, to be more specific, MY WEINER. HAH. See.. by saying weiner, and refering to my cock, I was... that was a jo... never mind. next question.

DICK HURTZ: Well refrideration does have a way of killing the mood.

Ketchup on your weiner...joke...I don't get it..anyways.

Backstreet Boys or N'SYNC, which of these "bands" needs to have there ass ground into hamburger first and how much would it cost me for you to do it?

GAWAIN: Well, thats a tough one, since I already have a date with that motherfucking Kid Rock. Or rather, HE has a date with my fucking baseball bat. I think I would

take out the Backstreet boys first, since they're a little bit MORE irritating, though in such an infintessimal amount that It would be hard to tell.

DICK HURTZ: Kid Rock's dating your baseball bat!? Well, you heard it here first folks.

I just poked you in your eye, whatcha going to do about it....wussy??

GAWAIN: Well, Richard, first im going to grab your head by your ears, like this, then im going to ram my cock right into your left eyesocket, like this. Once i've beaten

out the back of your skull, which shouldn't take but a few more minutes, im going to use your limp head-flesh to spackle my bathroom.

DICK HURTZ: *sits back in his chair clutching his left eye* Oh, I see.....wait...actually I can't see.

I have a jumbo bratwurst, a popcicle, and a cigarette. Which of these three can I partake in there goodness and have to worry the least about it being

reffered to as a phalac symbol?

GAWAIN: Hrm. Thats a close one, but Im going to have to go with the Bratwurst. Unless you plan on deepthroating that bitch, which i would pay to see btw, you're going to have to cut it with a knife. Once the blade actually touches the Bratwurst, any resemblances to a cock will be banished from the minds of any male in the area.

DICK HURTZ:

Lesbians, are you for or against them peeing standing up?

GAWAIN: As long as they don't make a mess, I could really give a rat's ass. But there is nothing worse than spending time with a lesbian that smells like piss. Except

maybe spending time with Kid rock.

DICK HURTZ: Well, I think Kid Rock is to busy getting it on with your baseball bat to bother you anymore mister Gawain. I can see your point about smelling like piss. I sat next to one that smelled like baby oil and latex gloves.

Cheese Whiz, is it really a cheese or a govermental conspiracy to cover up the fact that cheese is really alive and there hiding evidence of cheese extrement by serving it to the public?

GAWAIN: Cheese whiz is actually a by-product of monkey cum. See, they have these monkeys, and the make them jerk off in this jar, and then they boil it, and thats whats in cheese whiz. (Kids in the hall is my favorite show, btw, for those of you pointing and going "HEY!!")

DICK HURTZ: Excuse me *leans over his chair and projectile vomits in a little baggy. Comes up wiping his mouth and spritzing breath freshner* Thats the last time I use cheese whiz on my nachos.

Tell us the top five nastiest things you have witnessed in a theater, and leave out any that deal with me wearing a trench coat with a hand full of spankerchiefs.

GAWAIN: Well, the other day, there was this guy who was getting a blow job from his chick. which is fine. The unspoken rule of projection is that if there's anyone

getting head, you turn the lights down. The only problem was, this chick was like 14 or something. I've seen some nasty shit, but that just really chaffed my love nubbin.

DICK HURTZ: See, those golden penises on Disney films has effected our youth...look..there giving head in theaters. I just hope for her sake she didn't eat any cheese whiz before that cause then ...that would just be nasty.

Who the hell are you and how did you find me?

GAWAIN: Bob? is that you? I want to talk to Richard now. can Richard come out? you fucking maggot. Don't make me cock slap you.

DICK HURTZ: Jeez, how the hell did he get in here?

Mans like a cockroach, he is everywhere and scatters when the lights come up.

Which would suck more, a week of wearing day glo pants or a hour in hell with the KC and the sunshine band, Barry Manilow, and the asshole who invented

button fly jeans?

GAWAIN: the hour of hell. KC I can deal with, and the button fly guy is ok too, but my god do I hate Barry Manilow.

DICK HURTZ: Well, I think even his own mother hated him. I overheard Kenny G talking trash about him and he is a guy with a initial for a last name! How sad is that.

Jumbo shrimp, a oxymoron or female code word for "his thingy is thick but real short"?

GAWAIN: Its. seafood. you stupid bastard. The female code word for "his thingie is thick but real short" is "I'll call you."

DICK HURTZ: It is?? Well shit, and here I thought I was a popular guy......wait..strike that, I didn't say that.

I smell ass, did you fart?

GAWAIN: No. I do not fart.

DICK HURTZ: Oh, must have been me then, sorry.

Speaking of obnoxious smells, how much longer do you think George Jr. will last in office before he is assanated by one of his own cabinet memembers?

GAWAIN: God, I hope not much longer. That goofy idiot is going to fuck us all, and the worst part is, there won't be anyone left to explain to him what happened.

DICK HURTZ: Oh those wacky Republicans and there wacky hijinx. Meet the man once, I wasn't impressed, he snorted up all my baking soda while electricuting my dog.

Who would win in a fight, you or Uncle Bob? I'm betting on a lot of flayling arms, hand slappings, ending in one of you yelling, "oh, I broke a nail!"

GAWAIN: Well, that would be a bet you would lose my analy probed friend. Both Bob and I are part time gladiators at the local Big Brother's of America, where we

professionally wrestle regularly to help raise money for the kids. Its all about the kids man. the kids. Bob goes under the secret name "los loco pinto" and im "los grande alcalde" But don't tell anyone, because then we'll have to sign autographs and its just a bother.

DICK HURTZ: You are that guy!!! I wrestle there to under the name "Chunky Butt", so far I haven't gone over well with the kids.

As super heros go, what would suck more, the tights or the shitty alter ego disguise?

GAWAIN: I would have to say tights on that one. But I suppose that wouldn't be true for somebody without a gigantic cock. I myself would need something a bit more substancial. Maybe... a huge steel codpiece.

DICK HURTZ: Steel codpiece, have you been talking to Anenigma?? Oh wait...thats steel vice....eeeerrrrr nevermind.

If you where President, what would be the first thing you would do?

GAWAIN: Hire about 8 interns from hooters. No, wait, thats just superficial and mean. I guess I would hire like.. 12 interns from hooters. And I wouldn't descriminate either. They wouldn't ALL have to have DD cups. I would hire the less fortunate SINGLE D cup girls too.

DICK HURTZ: Oh those poor souls with only one D, I so do feel sorry for them. Its good to see you have such a open caring heart to give the single D Hooters girls a chance to fetch you coffee and polish your nob.

Speaking of hooters, fake breasts..yeah or to unreal to enjoy? And a follow up comment on this quiestions.....have you thought how nasty it will be when this generation becomes senior citzens, a bunch of old ladies with large, pointy breasts.

GAWAIN: Well, i've actually thought about that quite a bit. In fact, ive come up with a small invention that Id like to make public. See, how it works is, a tiny clock is attatched to the implant before it gets 'implanted.' The clock would be set to the woman's current age. When she reaches 50, the clock would trigger, and the breast would explode in a flaming ball of plasma.

Wait. I guess thats not so good. Uh.. next question.

DICK HURTZ: Oh, that would explain what happened to my last date.

You are in a band and you are rocking the socks off everyone, what would be the name of your band and why would my socks be flying off to your music?

GAWAIN: The name of the band would be "Jesus Is Good" and they would be rocking because of our insperational message of hope and faith.

Actually, thats not true. not even in the slightest. The name of the band would be "Givin It To Jesus" and they would be rocking because the songs would all have some aspect of me fucking jesus in the ass.

DICK HURTZ: Well thank you so much for coming on our show mister Gawain.

GAWAIN: Fuck you.

DICK HURTZ: I'll keep that in mind.

Good night everybody and remember to spade and newter your spouse.

ANNOUNCER TED: Uhhhhhhhhhh don't mean spade and newter your pet Dick?

DICK HURTZ: Uh...sure...yeah....thats what I meant.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003