Of what we discused I have no clue. We talked about so many different things, it was hard to keep track of earlier conversations.

Well that and the weed didn't help....I'm telling yeah, I got a short term memory of a lobotomy patient.

So we are casualy disgusing me being devious enough to plant a small seed in there brain that eventually leads up to the results I was looking for without doing it myself.

Ok, so that needs a little explaining, because I know I can be preaty tough to understand at times...I'm learning this fact after the billionth time some one looks at me and says, "WHAT?!?"

It starts off I'm in the bathroom and I realize there is no toilet paper left in there. Well, earlier I bribed a friend of mine to run out and grab a few things in the car that I needed. I had a bottle of pop, pack of toilet paper, and a box of garbage bags down there.

Well, bribe works, and he runs downstairs and fetches my crap from the car. Thing is, he didn't do a very good job of it. I blame myself for not checking up on what my slacker friends do, but I am only human you know.

After I figure out I'm completely out of toilet paper in the bathroom, I go to the kitchen to find the bag my friend got.

Thing is, I see the pop I asked him to get me, but I see no toilet paper or garbage bags anywhere around. I searched high and low for that toilet paper, and unless he shoved it in my lettuce crisper, it aint anywhere around. Which means, that crap is still in the damn car.

Fuck....whats the point of bribing people if they do a half ass job of it.

So I go back in the bathroom with a handfull of napkins and take care of my business. Thats when I thought up my plan on how to get the toilet paper and garbage bags up here and still not go get it myself.

I'm bound and determined to get the full price of this bribe, even if it means getting someone else to full fill it the terms of my verbal contract.

I wasn't going to ask Spanky to go get it cause he was complaing about his feet hurting, which adviously would have been his excuse. So I concoted a plan so devious, so cunning, so wickedly delicious that I barely restrained myself from cackling like a evil scientist from an old James Bond movie.

My plan...it was simple...

I WOULD GET HIS GIRLFFIEND TO MAKE SPANKY RETRIEVE IT FOR ME!!

MWWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

Thing is, I knew if I flat out asked her to do this for me, not only would she probably not do it, I'd have to do it right in front of Spanky since those two are joined at the hip the majority of the time.

As a little side note so you all don't think I'm a complete lazy ass. It was cold as hell and down pooring rain at the time, and I just wasn't in the mood to handle it. Not to mention that whole get my bucks worth out of my bribe.

So I have to think about how I'm going to do this. How am I going to get her to make him go downstairs in the cold rain and retrieve that stuff for me without further bribing people or asking out right. Then it hit me like paying a ten dollar whore seven dollars for sweet lovin.

She uses toilet paper each and every time she goes in my bathroom. She will eventually end up in there sometime in the night, I just have to be patient. At that time, she will be requiring the toilet paper.

So if I make mention that the there is no toilet paper in the bathroom, but there is some down in the car, she will then proceed to guilt Spanky into running down there and getting it so she can go to the bathroom.

Oh, and why you are down there, how about you grab those garbage bags to...k, thanks.

Ok, bases of plan is formulated, but how will I set it into motion without being blatantly advious what my motivations are.

This is how I set my master minded plan into motion in a way that would make Dr. Evil proud of me.

ME: You know, Coa Coa *said friend I bribed* really sucks."

SPANKY: Why?

ME: Because I bribed that ass monkey earlier to run downstairs and fetch some shit from the car, toilet paper being one of them. And for the life of me I can't find it anywhere around. I think that pig fucker forgot it in the car. And there is absolutely no toilet paper left in the bathroom.

GIRLFRIEND: Oh no.

SPANKY: *His normal titering laugh he does EVERY SINGLE GOD DAMN TIME you know he is only half paying attention to what you said.*

ME: *looking at his girlfriend* Yeah I know, this sucks big hairy goat balls.

So I know very well that Spanky didn't really pay attention to what I was saying, but thats not what was important in "PLAN: ASS WIPE!". What was important was that his girlfriend heard it, and now I know this thought will be churning in her head the minute she feels the need to go to the bathroom.

So I sit back, sip my pop, and await the final pieces of my devious plan to come to effect.

MMMMMMWWWWWWWWWHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

MMMMMMWHHAHAHAHHAHA

MMMMMWWWWWWWHAHHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

*ahem* sorry, lost myself in the moment there.

So about an hour later, low and behold who has to get up and use the bathroom?

I'll give you three guesses, but I swear if you have to use all three I'm so going to pimp slap you into the next fad.

Yeah, you guessed it, the girlfriend needs to use the bathroom. Just before she enters the bathroom, she turns to Spanky and says.

GIRLFRIEND: Well, I'm going to the bathroom now. To bad there isn't any toilet paper in there cause I REALLY need some. *sighs* Oh well...I guess I'll just have to go without *sighs*

Thats when Spanky gets this "oh no I'm fucking trapped" look in his eyes.

I have him thourghly trapped within the grasp of my plan.

AAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Although some time later, the two of them finally realized what I had did, unraveled the mystery of my well laid plan, but by then it was two late...mission succesfully executed. So instead, they accused me of being so devious to plant such a tiny seed in her brain to get her to do my dirty work.

With the best innocent face I could muster, I looked at him and said...

ME: What the fuck are you babbling about?? Hey, I just happen to make mention how much Coa Coa sucks and for what reasons. I'M not the one who guilted you into going down there and getting all that stuff. So if you want to know who the devious one is, look at your girlfriend, not me slappy.

And the Oscar goes to....

Oh, this plan was so flawless in victory that I'm nearly as giddy as a little school girl.

Though, karmickly speaking, this one turned around and bite me in the ass, taking a large chunk with it sometime later.

You see, Spanky's girlfriend is going to college right now, has been going on and off for several years. She is one of those "always on the Dean's list" for her high grades. And she absolutely loves the shit out of math.

Not the kind of math you use on a every day basis...we are talking about Statistics, Calculis and all that shit.

As we are sitting there watching the learning channel, she turns the two of us and says she has a quiestion for the both of us, but she needs to write it down to make sense of it.

Ok, so it turns out the quiestion deals with the only quiestion she missed on a recent math test. Before hand, she tells us both that she had the answer right, but it was the teacher's fault that it actually turned out wrong.

Ok, once again, must explain...

The math quiestion is one of those crazy ass formulas with all sorts of letters in it that you are not sure if you are looking at a math quiestion or a foreign language here. Underneath it, she had the answer she gave on the test, and underneath that she has the teacher's answer to the quiestion. I look at hers then I look at the teachers, and part way down the teacher's answer i see Spankys girlfriend's answer. Everything past that looked like the long hand version of mapping out how you came to this conclusion.

So, I'm looking at this and I'm thinking I know why the teacher marked her wrong. She didn't show her work, and as we all can remember, math teachers go balistic if you don't show how you came up with that answer. So I figure this is why she is marked wrong for the answer, then proceeded to go into details why I thought this.

Ah, how I should have seen the signs then....just dropped the piece of paper then run screaming from the room, my hands firmly pressed against my ears. Nope....being the dumb ass I am, I try explaining to her what she did wrong, even though I know shit about that level of math.

Half hour conversation about this later, and neither one of us seems to be able to convince the other that I am right...heh.

So, as per usual, she tries dragging Spanky into the conversation in hopes to gain someone onto her said, thus making it two on one.

In her explination to him about the quiestion, she states this...

GIRLFRIEND: The reason why it is wrong is because the teacher made a mistake and made one of the letters in the forumula a capital letter instead of a small case. And at this level, when a letter is capitalized in the formula, it is then a different number then the smaller cased of the same letter. But, the teacher just said to us all, "well, none of you asked me if it was right, and I just figured you all just got what I meant."

Hey, wait a damn minute....she NEVER mentioned this tid bit of information when she first asked me this quiestion. In fact, this is the very first time I have even HEARD it. Which makes me look like a complete jackass when I'm trying to explain to her how math teacher's cream there freakin jeans over you showing your work to get the answer.

So, as I'm sitting there baffled at her failing to mention this information, which would have made the last thirty minutes of arguing completely uneccassary, thats when she dives head first into trying to teach us all these Statistics formulas that explain more in detail about this quiestion she missed.

Well, since the only thing she loves more then math is talking about math, she build up a head of steam and just kept going on and on about math, delving deeper and deeper into it.

After five minutes of her talking about math, I was as lost as a little boy walking around a grocery store looking for his mommy. The thing is, I just couldn't get a word in edge wise cause she was on a serious roll. I don't think she even stopped to take a breath during the entire time and we are talking about a good twenty minute lecture here.

So finally....I'm losing what little is left of my sanity, I desperately call out to her to let me say one thing.

ME: I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOUR CRAZY MOON LANGUAGE!!!

Thank fucking god that stopped her lecture dead in the tracks long enough to make my great escape, IE leaped out the closest second story window and hope like hell it knocks my ass out.

God damn karma....

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003