Well, that goes with out saying, but now I'm remembering just how badly I was.

Let me give you a little example by talking to you about the evils of cheap ass cologne.

When I was a lot younger, I think around the age twelve or thirteen, I had this thing for Aqua Valva.

To this day I really can't explain why I had such a facination with the shit. Was it because it was a nifty shade of blue, almost like windex. Could it be cause of the thick ass bottle could easily double as a bludgeoning weapon of mass destruction. Could it be because you could find that shit easily at any grocery store or pharmacy at a price so cheap they are practically paying you to take it.

To save face, I'm gonna have to go with that last option.

That was some really potent shit. It was almost like you poured menthonal in a bottle, died it blue, then drop a thing of Drano scented soap inside.

You have one little paper cut anywhere on your body and you splash that shit on you, sooner or later you are gonna get some of that in the cut. And damn that shit was like liquid flame in an open wound. Hell, you rub against a door frame a little bit to hard, its like someone just set your body on fire.

Thinking back on it, I'm suprised the even tried pawning off this crap as cologne instead of moving it to the cleaning liquids aisle. I'm pretty sure it could peel the paint of your walls and do away with those unsightly rust stains on your bumper.

Which should have been a real sign to me back then, but aparently I was to busy wondering what Heather Lockler would look like naked in my shower all soaped up.

One day I was getting ready for school, but over slept so I had no time to take a shower which I had planned on doing because I didn't get a chance to take one the night before.

So, I need a quick and simple solution to this problem. Ah, my Aqua Valva, that should do the trick. Well, I proceeded to splash a liberal amount of that crap all over my face and my chest.

huh, well I gotta worry about the nut stink. Its been kind of hot, my boys have been broiling in my pants like an easter sunday roast. No time to wash up in the sink, so lets do the best next thing.

So I drop trow right there in the bathroom in front of the kitchen sink. I get two good sized handfulls of the shit and.......

AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

MOTHERFUCKFUCKFUCKSHITFUCKFUCKSHITTYSHITSHITFUCK!

Let me explain how this feels the best way I can. Imagine taking a very sensitive bit of your anatomy and covering it with gasoline. Alright, now light that puppy on fire. Oh, thats gotta sting. Ok, now drop a butt load of napalm on top of that. Oh, very close, but not quite there yet. Alright, now dip it in a vat of acid for a good five minutes then to wash that off, dip it in a vat of lemon juice.

Yep, thats about how it felt.

So there I am, freaking out and screaming like a Viena boys choir member with a caddle prod shoved up his ass. My pants around my ankles, trapped there since I still had my boots on. Me running around the bathroom waving my hands over my gonads in a feeble attempt to cool them off.

Not what you call a proud moment in my life.

Finally, through all the pain and screaming, I run back over to the bathroom sink and begin splashing large amounts of water all over my boys.

ow ow ow.....aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh

Now, I think I have chemical burn all over my nuts, cause despite the intial relief, they still feel pretty much on fire.

Alright, explain this shit to someone to explain why you don't want to go to school. Last time I check, calling in "my nuts are on fire" wasn't a valuable excuse to get out of school unless you mean that literaly.

So after cleaning up and dabbing lightly dry in fear of inflaming the anger of my nutsac. I pulled my soaked pants up *splashed a LOT of water on me* and headed to school walking like a saddle soar Cowboy, desperately trying to make sure my nuts didn't rub against my pants.

Irony of that is, I did clean myself up after that with tons of soap and water in hopes of driving away the demonic flames of balls on fire. So now I smell like watered down Aqual Valva mixed in with Irish Spring soap.

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm MANLY!

Despite the need to be extra carefull with my boucing balls-o-fun for a solid week, I had not quite completely learned my lesson about the evils of Aqua Valva.

That same year I also had gym class with the shower room all men fear. One large, long room with no dividers between the men. The shower heads grouped pretty close in threes. WIth no window and no lighting in there, it was a lot like a dungeon in there......full of naked male teens at that akward stage of there body.

It was the stuff of nightmares, I'm telling you.

Add on the fact there was very little time given to us to take showers before class was over. And it seemed the dispenser always seemed to be empty, so you stood a better chance finding one kid with no acne somewhere on him then you did finding a handfull of soap. Lets not forget to mention the place used have this serious cheese funk to the place at all times that you could swear would cling to you for hours.

So that meant use a lot of deodorent and if you don't want to smell like the underside of a foot thats been in a wet shoe in hundred degree weather for roughly twenty hours, you better keep some cologne handy then.

And, you guessed it, I had me an industrial sized bottle of Aqua Valva camped out in my gym locker.

One day I had thrown my clothes in my locker haphazardly so I wouldn't be late in gym class and be bitched out by the teacher.

After the class was through and I had gotten a quick shower in, I head back to my tumble of balled up clothing in my locker. Which seemed to disobey the laws of physics as some how my bottle of Aqua "nuts on fire" Valva had gotten on top of my pants without me knowing it.

So I tug on my pants to pull them out and SPLASH! My bottle of Aqua Net flys out of the locker and breaks open on the cement floor below.

It was only half a bottle, but that much of it released in the air is like biological war far. After the crash silenced everyone in the room, ten seconds later the smell hit them. You thought you could clear out a room pretty fast with a fart after been buritto night. Try dropping a half bottle of Aqua net into the room. You'll make track stars out of even the biggest of kids.

So the whole locker room cleared out fast, everyone standing in the hallway finishing up getting dressed as the CDC declared the locker room a level five biohazard.

So, that was my moment of clarity when I never bought the shit again and dumped what little I had left back at home.

Then, I switched to old spice.

*slowly shakes my head*

I was aparently a real slow learner when I was a teenager.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003