2001-05-21 - 1:55 a.m.
My Life-like a scrotum here it is in a nutshell
Now when I was in high school, I was an outsider. Not your cool James Dean Rebel without a Cause kinda outsider. I was more like that Ally Sheedy BreakFeast Club kinda guy *yes yes I know it was a women but fuck, its the best representation I can come up with*. Except I never had a saturday school where I bonded with every stereo type in school. Did have a real bad case of food poisoning from eating Subway during one of my multiple saturday schools. So I was preaty much alone, didn't have many friends, and what few I did where always busy with something else. I was severly depressed during those days *quite possible clinically depressed, but never stuck around a psychologist office long enough to find out*. Now I know what you are thinking. Why the fuck are you telling me this!? Well while surfing the web, I happened to come across some Gothic web pages and it made me severly glad that Goth was not popular when I was in school. I probably would have been one of those posers wearing all black with white base makeup and black lipstick. Admitelly I dabbled in the "gothic" scene a few years back, but I plead temoprary insanity on that one. Yes I have a tendacy to wear a lot of black and dark colored clothes. Well cause I like them and realy despise wearing bright colors. I think it looks good on others, but me, dark dull colors for me and thats it. And my idea of a cool outfit fits within the "Gothic" and "Biker" look, but fuck that. I like it cause I think it looks cool and in no way in my mind represents being a Goth for wearing it. Now enough with this goth thing and back to my point.Well, I seemed to develope in those days a rich and elaborate fantasy life and to this day I still rely on it. I find that I run to this world repeadily every day no matter what I am doing. Which might be sad for some, but hey, I want to be a writer and well it helps out big time. So, with a glazed look in my eyes and ratty clothes on my body, I use to walk around a lot when I was younger *a hobby I fully regret giving up, but now I am like fuck it, its just to far*. I would go on these long walks with a little walkman and my favorite tunes cramed in every pocket I had and just think. As a side note, I realized when I am thinking and walking I have a tendacy of tilting my head up and starring at the sky. Can't explain why I do that, maybe it has a deeper meaning to it but eh...fuck it. So a few years back ago I was walking to the store down a rode I use to walk down every day tell I moved, and I was looking at this tree and it dawn on me. I remember looking at that tree a few years back supremely depressed and now I aint even a 1/10 that depressed as I was. You think I would have been happy that I wasn't so depressed, but nnnnnnnoooo. I became sad cuase I missed being that depressed. WHAT THE FUCK!!! I couldn't believe I actually missed that, it was unfucking believable that I would miss being so depressed that my friends and family lived in constant fear of my sanity and my will to live. To give you an example of how bad I was, after the Columbine school shootings. The news groups gave seven signs to watch for kids who are ready to kill themselves and/or others. Well I fit in five of the seven catogories when I was a teenager. The only two I didn't fit in was giving my shit away and saying goodbye to everyone. So now I am slowly recoviring from my tour of duty as a teenager. Still coping with a severe low self esteem and self hatred. And fighting the urge to be reclousive and anti-social. So to quote the philosper Friedech Neitchze, "What does not kill us can only make us stronger" Ahmen brother, Ahmen. So now that I have bored my regular readers *which I am preaty sure there aren't any out there, but a man can dream*, for your pleasure I am ending this entry with a joke. ROYAL FLUSHED The Queen is visting one of the country's top hospitals, and during her tour, she passes a room where a male patient is masturbating. "Oh, my God," says the Queen,"That's disgracefull. Whats the meaning of this?" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I am sorry, Your Majesty. This man has a very serious condition whereby the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't do that five times a day, they'll explode, and he would die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry," says the Queen. On the next floor they pass a room where a young nurse is enthusiastically giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God," says the Queen. "What's happening there?" The doctor implies, "same problem-better HMO"
  
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Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003
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