Nickle Back, How you remind me

"So how do you manage to stay up at such late hours?"

I was asked this very question this weekend, and this is what I had to say to the person.

"Well I find free basing jolt cola while snorting crushed up no-doz cut with pixi stix sugar does the trick. Thats right, Willy Wonka is my hook up. I'll tell yeah, those umpa lompa's can really rough you up when your late on your payments. And when Willy "Pimp Daddy" Wonka wants to talk to you, you have to take that crazy boat ride. I swear on one of those trips, I saw Abe Vigoda's liver on the wall, no wonder he is dead. Oh yeah, thats right, Abe isn't dead, he just looks like he is dead.....oh..my bad."

Ok ok, I'll admit I didn't actually say that, but damn it I wish I had. I absolutely detest coming up with a good come back line, hours or days later.

A lot of the times, my brain freezes up on me and just doesn't want come with these lines, but give it some time and I'm bound to come up with some off the wall comment that would have worked perfectly if the timing wasn't right.

Some how a come back line isn't quite as funny three days later, it loses it spark.

Normaly I stick with the oldies, but goodies when I can't come with something witty and sarcastic to toss in there face like a monkey at a zoo flinging its crap at you.

Lets run down the list of favorite easy come backs.

10. What the hell did you just say?

9. Fuck you.

8. eeeeeerrrrrrrrr I have no fucking clue, so eat me.

7. Ok dude, lay off the crack, I think you are down to only a few dozen brain cells left.

6. WHATS THAT BEHIND YOU!!! *points behind them, when they are distracted, slams door in ther face.*

5. Fuck you and the asshole who rode you in.

4. Yo Mamma!

3. *flips them the bird*

2. What the hell are YOU starring at!!!

1. Fuck you and fuck you and fuck you too, you are cool, but FUCK YOU!!

And who says this country's educational system is in a steady decline.

Which reminds me, I think a lot more incedents would come to a stand still if we just adopted this monkey poo flinging business. Let me give a few examples.

The Cold War: Hire a double agent to infiltrate the Kremlin in Russia, when Gorbachev least expects it, the agent runs up to him and chucks his own feeces in his face using that nasty birth market on his noggin to aim at. He would be so stunned into silence, we would jump light years ahead of him in the arms war.

The Vietnam War: Hire one of the five dollar sucky sucky corner girls to find this guy named Charlie and fling her rice filled chunks at his melon head. Runny do to her "back door" special, it blinds this guy named Charlie long enough for our soliders to give him an atomic wedgy then shove his head into a toilet and give him a swirly.

World War II: In place of the bomb underneath the table that didn't manage to kill off Hilter, we replace it with the "flaming bag of dog shit on the front porch, ring bell and flee" tactics. When he comes out and stomps out the flaming bag, expert marksmen with sling shots and Churchill's crap after a afternoon of high tea and biscuits laced with super laxative, bombard the dictator with platic baggies of the laced poo. Hitler so appalled and disgust by the incedent, he stops perscuting all jews and declares his new scape goat to be poo flinging monkeys. From that day on, the decline of the fifth riecht drops faster then a teenage girl's panties while back stage at a nsync concert. Hilter's constant babbling about killing all poo flinging monkeys results in him declared mentally incompetent to stand trial, which lands him in a hospital for the rest of his days with a six foot seven, three hundred and fifty pound nurse named Bubba giving him a high colonic five times a day.

Any Mariah Carey Concert: Die hard Metallica fans infiltrate one of her concerts disguised as middle aged men with a obsession with highly overated narcissistic women. They await her high pitched solo, something similiar to dropping a fifty pound weight on a cat's tail. They toss large chunks of Ozzy Osburne's crap after one of his "bite the heads off birds" incidents, into her three hour makeuped face and fifty thousand dollar hair do. Then they storm the stage and force her to stare at her own poo covered reflection in a mirror. After a incident very similiar to the prom scene in Carey, she collapse on the floor babbling something about fuzzy bunnies eating all her Cheetos. She is then submitted once again to a hospital for "stress related" problems, she is never heard from again, to the pleasure of all dogs across the world.

See, many a situation could have been simply taken care of if we just fling some poo at a few people.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003