SLC Punk

Man!! I'm one annoyed mofo I'll tell you!!

Really I'm gong to tell you, I got nothing better to do.

So the chair in my living room, the one I call, "Giant ass, heavy chair thats more comfortable then it looks, with wide arms for me to write on and stack shit on and is off limits to anyone who is not me, and if anyone so much as dare sit in that seat, they better be moving there ass toote sweet when I come in or I'm going to bust there knee caps then slap them around with a raw herring." I call it that or chair, what ever is more convenient.

Well my ugly ass, still very comfortable chair, well aparently a freakin coil in the seat popped through the fabric. You think I spotted this little problem before I sit down on it?

that will be a definetive......

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HELL NO!!!

Cause then I wouldn't have this freaky weird bad luck I seem to have.

So I'm sitting in my chair, watching a bit of television when my bladder screams at me, "Hey, asshole, I got to go something fierce. Get your lazy ass up and stand me over that cold, white bowl full of water and maybe I won't trickle the last few drops onto the floor."

*Note to readers: You may notice during mutliple readings of this diary, that several of my body parts have a voice of there own and are all very abusive by nature. I know...I find it annoying to..and I got to live with it.*

So I decide that I'm old enough that a lose of bladder control in my chair would be unaproprate, but not old enough to say, "fuck it, bring me a diaper, my ass aint moving anywhere."

And.....I....can't....get....up, I'm hung up on something...what the fuck is this??

I'll tell you what the fuck that was, a frayed end of the spring cut through my jeans, and me constantly shifting around in the chair made the fabric slide up the spring a good distance. So I'm feeling around underneath me trying depserately to figure out how the fuck did this happen, and how the fuck am I going to get it unsnagged?

Which couldn't have been a preaty sight to an observer, me leaning forward looking like I'm feeling up my ass with this angry, quizical look on my face.

So after fiddling with my ass for a few minutes *oh don't laugh, you know what I meant by that* my bladder on Def Con 5 alert, ready to launch at any moment. I realize that I can't get this damn thing unsnagged for some fucking reason. So I'm forced to muscle my way through it by pushing up tell it just ripped through the pants and let go.

I get to the bathroom, doing a speed version of the pee pee dance as I despeartely try and open up my pants and bend in the strangest postions to get the toilet seat up, but not bend over so far that the muscles just barely holding in the churning yellow mississippi river let the gates open and let the sweet release flow.

I propably revealed to much information with this one, or painted myself in a bad postion in your minds. Makes you wonder if you can request people to go on Prozac to doctors doesn't it.

So as I'm standing there losing weight at a alarming rate as empty my bladder which aparently grew to be the size of Texas whilst I sat in my chair. Thats when I noticed the drift on my ass, and a bit to big of a draft too. So I reach back and check out the rip in my pants, see how bad it is.

Twice in a five minute period of time I can be found fondling my ass, only this time I'm holding my purple helmeted yougurt slinger currently spewing something that looks rougly like Heiniken.

GREAT! There is a huge ass *pun intened* rip in the ass of my jeans! Like I got a ton of jeans to rip the shit out of on a regular basis! So I'm standling there gurmbling and mumbling as I finish my bathroom transactions and wondering about when I ordered a, "for your ease and convenience, air condition jeans with a apropriate escrement opening!"

And to add to the misery of a ventalated pair of jeans, I swear if I sit more then a half hour in that chair, there is a neat indentation of the spring in my ass. So judging by what I feel *not see, cause there is no way I"m checking my own ass out in the mirror* there will then be a neat red spiral indented in my ass! Though you might find this funny and throw in a few porky the pig jokes and his little cork screw tail between snickers, I find it to be very annoying and hard on my ass.

I catch no breaks with this freaky weird shit I'm telling you. Just when things start getting to normal, it pulls me back in!

As you may have noticed, I added a new section to my tool bar called STRANGE OBSERVATIONS This will be a section updated when I feel like doing it or when I can come up with something funny and maybe compelling. It will deal with observations, ramdom thoughts, and bouts of wierdness in short form I will probably not go into details about in my normal entry.

It has the potential of being either some what funny or completly lame.

Only time will tell.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003