DICK HURTZ!!!

audience goes nuts as they clap there hands tell they bleed, then proceed to bang there heads off the back of the chairs to keep a semblance of the clapping going on. From behind a black curtain walks out the host, a short, stubby man with a comb over from his back hair and a blue liesure suit and clogs

DICK HURTZ: Thank you, thank you, you are all to kind. And I also like to thank my ex-wife for leaving me my testicles in the divorce settlement.

cheesy laugh track insues

We are honored to have our special guest tonight, the biggest star we have ever successfully blackmailed into coming onto our show.

some enragged fan yells out "WHAT ABOUT CHROME"?!?!

Uh...who?? Chrome, well we have surpassed him in big stars when we had the inventor of Necco Wafers on, but I digress.

Here is the man you all know and love and many of you ladies have played crotch pool while starring at his pics.

UNCLE BOB

the audience goes buck wild as many ladies and a few guys tear at there clothes with a feral snarl then faint away dead. Out walks Uncle Bob in his dead sexy "big boy" boxer shorts trying to slip to his knees and a t-shirt that reads "My wife made me do this". Dick imediately drops to his knees and places sloppy kisses all over Uncle Bob's feet as UB points out the spots he missed, then both of them procced to take there seats in the bean bag chairs oposite of each other.

DICK HURTZ: So what brought you to diaryland? My suspicion is you stumbled across it while searching for red shoes diary style porn, comments?

UNCLE BOB: My mother used to tell me "You are SO talented...it's just a shame masturbation isn't an Olympic event." Then she'd usually drink a few beers, much of it dribbling down her chest between her firm and hefty boobies. She'd then light up a smoke and say "How come you don't have an online diary yet?" I'd never have an answer for her, because I didn't have an online diary at the time. Finally, I found Diaryland after months of searches for "Diaryworld", "Diaryvillage", "Diaryburg", etc. I started an online diary. I kept doing it. And now when Mom says "How come you don't have an online diary yet?" I can jump up out of my chair, fling my laptop at her and say "NAHHHHH, BITCH....I HAVE ONE!!! IN YOUR FACE!!!"

Unfortuneately ... Mom passed away about six months ago. And there's little pleasure in getting in her corpse's face.

DICK HURTZ: What do you mean its not a Olympic event!!! Damn, all that training down the tubes. Sorry to hear about your mothers large, firm breasts *drools* eeeerrrr I mean her passing away.

If you could be any super hero, who would it be and what color underoos would you wear over your tights?

UNCLE BOB: What a simple question! I'd be Captain Penis...I'd fight evildoers with my penis and render them unconscious with each blow. I'd hypnotize people with my "Hypnojizz" (patent pending). I'd rescue people from burning buildings by swooping in, letting them latch on to my honker and then flying away with them dangling from my dingle. And there wouldn't be any underoos on my tights. There's none big enough.

DICK HURTZ: *stares at him hypnotically, then shakes his head vigoursly* Sorry, I thought you spewed a load and I was transfixed by the preaty colors, but anyways.

Lets say you are trapped in a room for 24 hours with a box of sex toys, set of jumper cables, family sized jar of peanut butter, two glow sticks and your pick of three female actresses and/or singers. What television show/board game would you play?

UNCLE BOB: Another simple question for Captain Penis ... "Hide The Salami Slathered In Peanut Butter".

DICK HURTZ: Does Hasbro make that game? *looks at his note cards* Gee, I don't see any mention of salami in my notes, but its Uncle Bob so we will let it slide....for now.

What is your biggest regret in life other then having a dog that smells like ass?

UNCLE BOB: Not naming my diary "Perceptions".

DICK HURTZ: What a coincedence!! I named my penis perceptions, well cause it has perceptions of granduer, but I'm working that through with my psychiatrist.

They say that do to the chemicals in chocolate, when you eat enough, it is equivelent of good sex. What if I said I have developed a chocolate bar with viagra chunks. Would you jump on the band wagon of 24 hour self gratification chocolate, or do you fear the resulting chaffing from said 24 hours?

UNCLE BOB: Captain Penis does not chaff ... Captain Penis flakes. Although being the sex god machine that I am, I would scoff at such a chocolate invention, I'd probably eat it anyway since I haven't had chocolate in months. Then I'd rush out and hump a fire hydrant.

DICK HURTZ: *hands Uncle Bob a tube of moisturizing cream* You need to keep those flakes down to a minimum buddy, it looks like its snowing in here.

If you where a mad scientest, what concotion of chemicals and/or device would you create to take over the world?

UNCLE BOB: I'd mass produce marijuana into a gaseous form, spray it across large cities throughout the world and when everyone's good and mellow, I'd tell 'em that I'd keep it coming if they signed everything over to me. Once everything's in my name, I'd turn off the weed gas. Sure...they'd be pissed, but hey...THEY SIGNED THE PAPERS, DUDE!

DICK HURTZ: *his backed turned to the audience, long purple glass tube to his lips making a gurgling noise as he inhales deeply. A large cloud of smoke rises above his head as he squints at Uncle Bob, making sure its not Woody Harelson in disguise. Drops his head in dismay as he hands over the pink slip to his 1972 El Camino and the ownership papers to his double wide to Uncle Bob* Damn, what a devious plan.

If killing annoying people was legal, how many people would you choke out on a daily basis?

UNCLE BOB: It depends on how many people I got behind in traffic each day. And if my brother-in-law got wind of the new law and stayed far far away from me.

DICK HURTZ: If your brother-in-law doesn't know about the new law, can I video tape you bitch slapping him so I can send it to "America's funniest videos of taking it to the nuts." I need money, as you can see I no longer have any possesions.

You're a fruity cocktail drink in a dance club, and you have just been served up to a half naked sex goddess, tell me, what would be on your mind at that moment?

UNCLE BOB: Slipping my banana in her cherry.

DICK HURTZ: You have a unhealthy obsession with foods, you know that don't you.

If you where a postal worker instead of a coffee table book writer, how long would it take you to flip out and head to the nearest clock tower with a high powered sniper rifle?

UNCLE BOB: I think the first time someone thought it'd be funny to send me an envelope full of baking soda, I'd probably lose it.

DICK HURTZ: That was baking soda!!! *continously wipes at his nose as he sniffles* Well gee...that explains a lot.

In a fare fight, who do you think would win, the Olsen twins or the guy who played Urkel?

UNCLE BOB: The Olsen twins. They may look sweet and innocent, but those beeyotches got it goin' ON in the ass-kicking department.

DICK HURTZ: Sweet and innocent looking? That a new term in the porno business. Give them a few more years and another layer of make up and it looks like Captain Penis might be the John Holmes of the 21st Century. Make sure you slap there ass for me.

If cheese had a voice, what would it say?

UNCLE BOB: "I'm moldy cow piss. Please eat me. I know I smell like rank cat ass ... but I still deserve to be eaten. Did I mention I was really just mold and the first time someone ever ate me it was an accident? You know I cause cancer of the testicles...right? C'mon. Eat me. You know you want to. Come taste my moldy, nasty phlegm-filling constipating goodness. You deserve me. You've been a bad, bad boy."

DICK HURTZ: Well gee, I was always wondering where that voice was coming from when I ate my faijitas.

If you where a memember in a fight club, how long would it take for you to scream like a little girl and whimper in the farthest corner?

UNCLE BOB: As soon as they handed me my membership card.

DICK HURTZ: I would have started weeping the second I realized I wasn't as sexy as Brad Pitt even after he had his teeth knocked out.

Lets say you where being given a lap dance by a stripper, and she turns out to have a conspicous bulge tugged between her legs, how would you react to that?

UNCLE BOB: I'd smile and say "I don't wanna freak you out or anything...but I think you just shit your g-string."

DICK HURTZ: That would explain the smell then.

If you where caught by your wife smoking a joint in the bathroom, which of these examples would you choose to do A)Yell fire, drop your pants and piss on the joint B)Pretend you where masturbating to the new issue of Victoria's Secret, and try and quickly shoo her away because she was ruining the romantic mood C) Tell her "Look what I found in Andy's stroller!!! Jesus, kids today, they sure do start doing this younger and younger." D) Try to convince her its for the glacumoa you suddenly developed from that pink eye incident.

UNCLE BOB: E. Tell her I'm doing research for my latest book entitled "Coffee Table Writer Kills His Wife When She Won't Quit Nagging Him About His Pot Smoking".

DICK HURTZ: Would that be a instructional book and would it come in the "for dummies" book format. I'm marrying my future seventh ex-wife this week, so I need to drop a few hints to her about the nagging, like wave a gun around.

If reincarnation was real, what celebrity would you come back as, why, and how many times do you think you will be in rehab/hospital "recoperating from exhaustion"?

UNCLE BOB: I'd come back as Tom Cruise and spend every day in the hospital having man goo surgically removed from my ass.

DICK HURTZ: Well, you did lose that loving feeling, cause its gone, gone, gone wooh oh oh.

Thank you Uncle Bob for coming on our show, it was highly inlighting and severly disturbing. Don't forget your complementry Q&A t-shirt and home game as the door hits you on the ass.

ANNONCER TED: Offical game of Q&A, comes complete with set, card board audience with a laugh track, and a mini Dick Hurtz with full functioning flanchalant spray and prefusely sweating glands. Expected to pass the APA inspection in four to six months.

*All Uncle Bob answers are by UB himself, and have not been fucked with by me. With hours of on my knees begging and whinning while throwing a hissy fit and promisng I'll sneak a twinkie in his egg plant parmesana once a week, cause its not offically cheating on his diet if he doesn't know the twinkie is there.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003