The Replacements

As for weekends, this one was up there on the suckatude meter preaty damn high, amazingly enough, I didn't freak out over any of it. Well, not REALLY freak out like I normaly do. Didn't turn all red faced, began splurting and mumbling incoherent obsentities while doing my little frustrated dance which is me with so much frustration pent up in me, I just start kicking my legs out while my arms do some kind of spasdic jerking motions. Its a bit hard to explain, you just got to see it.

Yep, you're right, I'm one strange mofo....but in a mild "light" beer kind of way....a bit strange, but not enough to fuck up your diet.

Lets see, this weekend started off with me losing my internet connection late friday night and not getting it back tell monday morning.

Now now, don't panic people. I know, two whole days with out internet connection, thats some scary shit. I wish I could say I replaced that time with a little thing called a life, but then I would be lying.

Actually I lost internet connection twice in the past week. You see, I was a tad bit late with my internet connection payment.

Lets start off by saying how retarded my server company is.

First off, aparently everyone who works there have been wasting there life in front of a computer screen for far to much of there life and have conventiently forgotten the concept of paper or as they like to reffer to it while gagging on there power luch of jolt cola and laffy taffies, as "hard copy".

Want to freak out a room full of computer geeks, just tell them all you got a complete walk through on the most recent computer game, but tell them you only have it in hard copy form. There reaction will be something a kin to war savaged extras of a World War II movie, a glazed look in there eyes while the mumble over and over again, "the horror, the horror."

And fun is had by all.

correction....by me.

So my internet company thought it would be just keen if they never sent a hard copy bill through the mail to you, instead they send it directly to your e-mail and then YOU have to make a hard copy of the bill and send it out to them via snail mail, a concept adviously archiac and out of date for them.

Ok, its a pain in the ass, but after that first bill and not knowing that, I have managed to get my bill in on time.

So I get my bill last month, but am a few weeks away from doing my month bill paying sessions, so I decided to wait to pay tell then. Well, bill paying time rolls around, and me with my attention span of a resese monkey on crsystal myth, I forget about the internet conection and don't get it paid. So, a week or so after that, they send me a payment reminder.

No big deal, kind of, I get enough money for that in a few days, which is less time then the reminder says I have tell they shut my internet connection off. So I give them a call the next day telling them what day specifically to be watching for my internet connection, just in case.

Being that I'm a expert at being poor and juggling bills, I'm fairly versued on what to do to keep your shit turned off. You get close to a shut off on a something but you can't pay the bill tell a few days after the set disconnection day, no problem. Despite being a bunch of greedy bastards, a lot of companies are preaty cool about you get a payment late as long as you give them a phone call and let them know WHEN you are going to pay. I can't tell you how many times I have kept myself from losing my phone or cable or my electricity just by placing a phone call to the company, it almost always work.....except with my internet connection.

D'OH

So three days from the "scheduled" shut off date and two days before my money order arrives on there door step, settling all this.....they shut my internet connection off, all though I don't find this out tell somewhere around midnight when my connection refuses to except my user name and password, and the help desk doesn't open for another nine hours.

Well gee.....what to do what to do....oh yeah, sleep. Its a foriegn concept for me, but what the hell, I'll give it a shot.

Forty five seconds later...

Well fuck....I can't sleep, oh well, playstation it is.

And once again I elude the temptations of a nights rest with my ninja like reflexes and a rapier wit.

Don't laugh......I do to have that.

So I get a hold of them and find out "whats up mother fuckers! Is it time I show you how painfull a rectal exam would be with a blender!?"

Well, the only way I can keep from having my connection turned off tell this Monday, I had to find a ride and go out to there place of business to not only pay off my bill, but to also pay a reconnection charge on top of that.

Oh gee.....more money I DON'T have I GOT to spend.

FINE!!

ass monkeys

So I run out there, get it all payed off and they have me reonnected in a matter of minutes. So my connection runs fine all day Thursday and Friday, not a single problem with it. Come Saturday, the damn thing is doing it again, not accepting my user name and password. This goes on all weekend tell I give them a phone call Monday morning to say

"HEY!!! ASSHOLE, I HAVE MY FUCKING INTERNET CONNECTION PAID OFF....WHAT THE FUCK IS THE DEAL ASS PUPPET!!!"

So, after I go through my ritalin withdrawls then give her my name and phone number, I hear her fingers clicking on the keyboard for ten seconds and ....its fixed.

48 hour headache cured with ten seconds of typing....

fuck you

assholes.

And to add irony to insult.....guess what the fuck I found in my e-mail today.....another fucking intenet connection bill for next month. This shit never seems to want to end.

But wait....theres more

To add to this action packed weekend, I managed to open up the palm of my right hand like a hot knife going through butter.

As per ususal of my sleeping habits, I have my fan on to generate white noise to help me sleep. Some how, a piece of tape got caught in the back of it in a way so that the blades of the fan are constantly slapping them, making that flick flick flick noise that reminds me when I was a kid and I clothes pinned a baseball card into the spokes of my bike to give it that "authentic" bee in a can sound that all the new, shitty motorcycles have.

So I rip the annoying piece of tape out of the fan, ball it up and whip it across the room....all three feet away.

Yeah.....I made my point.....I'm a man...oh yeah baby...don't mess with me..... I can ball up a small piece of tape and whip it three feet away from me......ooooooohhhhhh stand back buddy cause I'm cra-zy!!!

I put my hands back behind me to slide me back up on the bed and catch a few sheep jumping over the fence, trap them, and skin them for a coat. Little did I know, I'd be the one being skinned.

Turns out, a frayed edge of one of the springs in the matress had just torn through my matress. Although I didn't see it, or else I wouldn't have put my hand right next to it. So I go to pull myself up the bed, and my hands slip right out from underneath me, which slides the palm of my right hand over the spring, putting this long ass cut. God damn did that ever hurt, I took a look at my hand seeing now lose skin all around the cut, blood oozing all over the place.

Great...nothing like a little bloodletting to put a man in the mood to sleep.

So I get up, clean off the best I can, spray it with some antabacterial spray, don't have any band aids that want to work with me, go to bed with a gash in my hand looking much worse then it actually is...

wait, it stung like hell..ok maybe it did look as bad as it felt.

So, all this plus a million other little frustrations and one big frustration with my FIA agent being a complete and total fucking moron, but I really don't want to get into that cause my dandruff is up enough to make it look like its freaking snowing in here.

Which, I guess is its own benifit since there hasn't been a day yet that would say "Hey....its winter buddy...time to bust out the cold weather clothes and your jacket."

Winter my ass.....then wheres the freaking snow huh??

Man....shit just isn't going right lately.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003