"What, like be a productive member of society."

"Yeah, that would suck."

Anonymos

So, I didn't update yesterday because I seemed to have lost my internet connection for twenty four hours.

Well, not really lost, I knew where it was. It wasn't like I was hunting around my apartment digging through everything, tearing the place apart.

"Where the hell did I put that internet connection!?!"

But, on a ironical note, I did tear my place apart looking for something else. Found three dollars in change, two cigarettes, a bic lighter, half dozen pencils, and some strange candy with the letters W&W on them.

*rotates piece of candy.....smacks forehead."

Oh...heh heh thats M&M...my bad.

And I also found a shoe horn, which to my knowledge I have never used on of these things my entire life.

Well, there was that ONE time, but it was consensual and she said it felt preaty good if but a bit cold.

But anyways......

So lets give you a bit of a back history on this loss of my internet connection.

I was young and naive, knew little of the world. Oh when I look back on that time I think how much of a fool I was. Thought I could bring peace and harmony to the world, so I moved out to California.

My first day there I was car jacked by these two guys in ski masks, took everything I have that had any kind of pawnable wealth. As I was wondering down the streets, tears streaming down my face, I came across what I thought had to be the "turn around" moment of my already disatrous adventure. A kindly man offered me food and shelter, when I sobbingly thanked him holding my aching head, he offered me a few asprins to cure my headache. Little did I know those where not asprin, but some highly addictive narcotics.

I was hooked the moment I had it, dilusional I let the man take me as his new "he bitch". Next thing I know, I'm standing on a street corner selling my body for quarters.

Thats when the "talent scout" spotted me one late, cold night. As he was cooking up some concotion in a spoon, he went on and on about what great talent I have and how all the ladies would love me.

Shortly there after I was a star! Three hundred and twenty two pornos later, I was a house hold name in all perverted households.

Stud Lee "Big Dick" McGee was my name, and I could have any faked breasted porno star I wanted. I was on top of the world, or so I thought. As I was bending over the budweiser mirror, ready to sniff up a line longer then my stage name, I got a good look at myself in the mirror.

Oh god, what have I become! I was never meant for this. What happened to all my noble quests, my dreams and aspirations, what happened to my dignity!

So, I was packed and on the road back home that very night, taking only the things I could fit in my g-string.

Now I'm home, damaged goods, bitter outlook on the world, never to be the same.

Whoa, that was a rough two days I'm telling you.

But anyways...on with the real story.

I opened my mail box and found a very familiar envelope. It was my money order for this month's internet connection. I had gotten it out just in time before they would shut off my service with a few days to spare. So imagine my suprise when I find the envelope in my mail box with no stamp on it and a "insificient postage" stamp on the envelope.

Uh oh.....oh fuck.

By time I found this envelope in my mail box, it was already past hours for my internet service.

Ok, this is not a problem. I'll just call them first thing in the morning and let them know what the deal is, and that the payment should be there in the next day or two depending on how slow the mail is.

Yeah, if you know me and my luck by now, you would know already by this time in the story my internet connection was gone.

So, I make a plan to get up real early in the morning, hitch a ride from a friend and get my connection re-established A.S.A.P.

Wait, I'm flat broke for the next week. What the fuck am I going to do!?!?

So I panick like any other internet junkie who lost his connection. I weeped like a little bitch.

Ok, so we move onto plan B *sob sob*

So what does any self respecting man in his late twenties do when he is flat broke, has nothing but broke ass friends, and has recently lost his internet connection?

"Mommy, I have some bad news. I have liver cancer, its fatal and I could be dead in six months. But, there is good news, I have found a doctor who can completely cure it for just twenty bucks! Isn't that fantastic!"

Yeah, some how she didn't by my story.

She did give me the money though, so I can't complain. It could have been out of unselfish love that she gave me the money.

That or could have been the scene I made in K-mart when I dropped on the floor, flaying my arms and stomping my feet while screaming,

"IF YOU DON'T GIVE ME THIS, I WILL HOLD MY BREATH TELL I TURN BLUE IN THE FACE AND DIE!"

My mom, boy she must be really proud of me....heh

So now I'm back to further plague your life with my "freaky wierdness" and pension for dick and fart jokes.

Man, you must have all just missed the hell out of me!

What do you mean you didn't notice I was gone!

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003