The Great Outdoors

Damn, it almost seems like it would have been better if I didn't wake up today and just slept tell tomorow. From the moment I woke up, my nerves have been on edge.

Every last little annoyance, everyone's little personalties quiks *I.E. all there annoying flaws* everything I have a normaly high level of tolerance, got on my last nerve tute sweet today.

Frustrated decent even begin to describe how I'm feeling right now.....pissed off, now that seems a little more on track.

Now the most annoying thing about this, I have not a fucking clue why oh fucking why I'm so easily agitated today.

I mean every last thing is just got me ragging inside, I have come close multiple times tonight at almost going off on some friends tonight.

"No I have no fucking clue what that is"

"Yes I know how to do fucking math, I'm not as big a flamming idiot as you potray me to be."

"Once again you make assumptions that I didn't like this or I didn't listen to you about something that you have said for the millionth time. I got about a few hundred thousands times ago."

"Would you shut the fuck and let me watch this movie. Quite making so much fucking noise!"

"Stop that singing, you sound like shit right now and its, predictably so, getting on my nerves."

"Stop with that persisent need to breath in and out. I swear if I hear one more breath I'm going to choke the shit out of you!"

Oh christ I have come close to saying ever last thing there, which has left me in a perpetual state of scowling, which normally my brow is furroweled in thought, and usually means I'm not smilling.

Which unfortunetly, smilling, is very important to some of my friends for some fucking reason.

"Would you smile. Come on and smile."

Which just makes me scowl at them even more. Isn't it fucking ok that for one day or two I can go withoug smilling when I don't feel like smilling. What the fuck am I going to smile at, nothing funny going on and I aint exactly happy here so give me one good fucking reason I should smile.

And none of this "cause I'm alive" or "cause this music is groovy" or "because things can be worse."

blah, blah, BLAH!!

How about this.....eat my ass and please don't tell me to smile again.......its just pissing me off even more.

Man, I'm so annoyed here that I probably could be getting the best head in the world and I'll still be muttering shit under my breath, obsessing over every little fucking annoying fucking fuckity fuck fuck.

Have I used the word fuck enough yet......

nope...still feel the need for at least one more big fuck....

FUCKFUCKFUCK!

Of course I hold all this in in front of friends cause they begin getting all bummed by my harsh prespective and bitting words.

Though its there own fault, if you don't want to get bummed, don't ask me whats wrong with me if I got that pissed off look on my face.

Well, truth be told, I do have that pissed off look a lot on my face. Or at least people thing I do, but the majority of the time its just me lost in some thought, working up some story idea or diary entry or working out some kind of fantasy world which has the potential of becoming a story idea.

Now when I'm really pissed off, more people should be able to tell the difference. Cause then my brow is a lot more furrowed, I don't look relaxed, and I got a gleam in my eye that says "what the fuck are YOU starring at!"

Since people have a real problem distinguishing my contemplative look from my pissed off look, it seems to have certain advantages and disadvantes.

ADVANTAGE

People tend to be less argumentve when I'm in this state, unless there pissed off also.

I get asked less stupid quiestions then normal, because adviously I already having something on my mind.

I seem to scare the holy hell out of people who don't know me. The best example I can give on this is in the last apartment complex I lived in. Except for the few people who actually knew me there *because I'm anti-social it was a very few number, and usually by accident I did know them* majority of the people there where scarred shitless of me. Well I didn't know this tell my friendly landlord *one of the few people I knew there because of paying rent, doing my renter's contract every year, and because if I wanted shit fixed you better be nice to the one who can get it done* well she told me about this little fact. Some people didn't admit to it, but showed the same signs as everyone who did admit it. They would avoid me at all costs, and never ever knock on my door when they seemed to have a problemw with my musis. Instead they would call the landlord, even at her own home, to complain about me. At first this seemed like a problem to her to a few of those times I wasn't even home so it wasn't my place that was blarring there stereo, or the people who complained where also the ones who had there stereos louder and where resonsible for the police being there every night to break up some kind of domestic disbute.

She tried telling them, "hey, hey may look all mean and nasty, but when you get to know him, he is polite and a kind man."

Her words, not mine...

It was people unable to distinguish my contemplative look from my pissed off look. Everytime I do go walking, even if its for a short walk, I'm always in that contemplative stage. I find walking boring, so to pass all that free time, I do a lot of thinking about a lot of different things. So everytime you see me walking, I got that look on my face.

It didn't help that I did listen to some heavy ass music, wear dark clothing all the time *now don't get me wrong, lighter colors are nice clothing colors, but in my opinion, darker clothes look better on me and make me feel better, so it has nothing to do with my mood. I just happened to like black pants and super dark greens, blues and reds.*

Oh, and my little phase of painting my finger nails black, freaked a few of them out a bit more each day. I gotten asked if I was a satan worshiper for the finger nails, dark clothes, and multiple piercings in my ears.

God damn fake ass satanists have ruined this look forever.

No I'm not satanist you stupid fuck.....just chalk it up to me being strange if you really need to label me.

The most funnily ironic thing to happen during that time has got to be when I would get asked that quiestion by god fearing men and woman, but the catholic priest I role played witha and hung out with on occasion thought it was nifty....at the same time it got him cracking jokes about me wanting to be a woman at times.....

har har har, funny, I didn't know priests had a sense of humor.....well other then the sense humore they adviously have with there wardrobes that is.

Now I found that funny that a priest was more accetable with my look then the average day person. Althought it probably screamed volumes about his character more then anything else. It probably helped that he wasn't one of those "role playing is the devil's work", since he willingly played the game longer then I have been practically alive.

So I guess its all about perception and how quick people are willing to assumed things by dredging up stereo types fixated deep in there psyche.

Or I could just be over analysizing this, just so I'm not constantly pissing and moaning on here right now.

Damn it....that reminds me *scowls* I'm still one pissed off mofo.

Now if I could just figure it WHAT exactly is that pissing me off so badly.....maybe then things will be a little better if I fix it.

ppppfffffffttttttt fuck no! I'll just probably be pissed even more because I couldn't figure it out earlier.

Its a vicious circle I'm telling you. Its like driving down a long ass highway and you don't see a road side rest area or even to pull over anywhere for several hundred miles. Which is about when that burrito with all that hot sauce kicks in and your bowles turn into runny jello as your ass feels like it wants to explode like a cannon shot.

Yeah, so I'm saying being perpetually pissed off and being pissed off cause I am pissed off is like having explosive diariah while crusing down a highway and you can't find a shitter for the life of you.

Ok, I really need to rething this analogy for a bit.....some how it doesn't quite fit together.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003