I thought it was a preaty cool idea, the whole diaryland thing, so I started up my own diary. I wasn't sure at first what I was going to do with it. Hell, I find myself to be quite boring, so how am I even going to be able to entertain people enough to get them coming back? So preaty much I started doing this diary to help get my thoughts out, to get practice with my writing, preaty much to entertain myself.

Which was all I mostly did at the begining, entertained myself. The only readers I knew of was Gawain himself, and his wife Ever, who has to be one of the coolest ladies you would ever have the privilage of meeting.

Now I won't lie and say I was cool with a tiny amount of hits per day, hiding out in the dark recesses of diary land. Truth be told, the further along I went, the more I started wondering if there was a formula to becoming one of the fabled diaryland celebrities, or a facimile of one at least.

Its been almost a year and nearly two hundred entries later, and I got a small but decent amount of loyal readers. I have more vocal readers who leave guest book entries, and I have ononimous readers that the only reason I know they read my diary is because they have me linked as a favorite diary.

Once again I won't lie and say I'm happy with the amount of hits I get on a daily basis. When it comes down to it, who doesn't want to be loved, who doesn't want to feel special. And I guess, the more hits you get, in a way the more special you are.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not doing another one of these "what the fuck am I doing wrong," kind of entries. I know I'm somewhat of a required taste of sorts. I just get those moments of severe low self esteem going on which bleeds over into my entries on occasion. The whole, "I've been scrapping at the bottom of this barrel all my life, when is it my chance to float to the top" syndrom.

Of course, I'm totally off track to the point I was making in the first place.

As I was saying, I'm very suprised I have actually stuck around with my diary for this long. I thought for sure after a few months, I wouldn't have any readers other then some close friends, and I would get old quickly even with them. Then, I would just say fuck it and stop working on entries.

Its just after a point in time I felt obligated to myself to keep writing in here, that it gave me some self fulfilment I never quite had before. I was also pleasently suprised to know I could actually write so much and not be the normal loser I am and just quit. I mean, I REALLY have written a lot on this diary. Nearly two hundred entries, and almost every single one of them are extremely long winded. I wouldn't be suprised if I printed out every single entry I have and come to find out I have more pages then freakin War and Peace.

This all reminds me of a point that Willow, Spanky's girlfriend, made awhile back ago. We where all talking about me possibly singing a song in Spanky's band, and Spanky was giving me the run down of what I have to do and what I got to be cautious about. He brought up stage fright, would I lock up in front of a large audience. Thats when Willow said something so true about me I didn't quite fully realize in the past.

Willow: I don't think stage fright is a problem for him, he seems to love to have an audience.

You know what, she is so right about that. I love having a fucking audience when I'm acting goofey or I'm telling a story which I always embelish comically on. I practically thrive on catching the attention of an audience. Which is such a contradiction to my personality because I can be severly anti-social. I don't go out and do things on my own, I only do things when I prompted by someone else's desire to go out, or in the case of Spanky, when his band is playing a gig and I want to be there to help support him. When I actually go out of my house on my own, its always with a mission plan in mind, I'm out to accomplish getting something or paying off something. When I go to stores alone, I keep my head down and I say as little as possible. I actually dread seeing someone I know when I'm out on my own, cause I fear the fact they will want to be social when all I want to be at that time is alone and getting my mission plan done.

But, if I head out with friends to any place, be it to the bar or to the show, get ready for a floor show. I don't know what it is about me, I just then feel the need to perform. I can't really explain what I do, I just do it and I seem to entertain people.

For example, me and Prego where driving around the other day, getting a bunch of little chores done. As we where cruising arond, Prego decided to stop by a friend of hers and see about a possible chair for me. Well, he didn't have a chair, but he asked if he could get a ride to Walmart and back since he doesn't have a car and lives preaty damn far from the store. So on the car ride to and back, I was telling these little stories just about funny incidents that happened in that day. I had this guy laughing practically the entire time we where in the car.

After we dropped him off, Prego said to me...

"I have never heard him laugh that hard or that often the entire time I have known him. I think you just made his day."

You know what, that felt preaty god damn good that I could do that. And its not like I'm going out of my way to do this, I'm just doing what comes naturally to me.

Just in case you where curious what made him laugh so much, let me give you a little antecdote of that day.

Me and Prego where driving to Meijers to do some shopping. We are cruising around the parking lot, looking for the best parking spot we can. Thats when we spot this lady and her man walking to a truck parked in one of the spots right in front of the doors. So we stop in the parking lot and just sit there and wait tell they pull out of there spot, then slide into it before the spot grows cold.

So we are just sitting there staring at this couple, waiting for there slow asses to finally get in the truck and be off. The lady opens up the driver side door, the moment is almost upon us.

Then she stops moving into the truck as the two of them get all smoochy while whispering soft words of desire in each other's ears. That or they could have been mumbling the recipies of impossible cheeseburger pies. I wouldn't have a fucking clue either way.

Damn, and I just had to leave my parabolic mic back at the apartment. Well, serves me right.

A little fact about me that is neccassary for ths story. I have a habit of talking with my hands a lot, to the point I don't even realize I am doing it at times.

Well there we where, sitting and waiting for these to love birds to either get a freakin room or one of them inhale the other the other and just be done with it. I'm looking over at Prego, and I wave my hands like "come on already, les move this along people", just casually joking about how long these two are taking with her.

Finally, the man breaks away from her, I think her teeth just lost grip with his jugular vein. So he makes his way around the other side of the truck and oh oh.....what do we have here?

He is pulling out his own set of keys and it looks like he is making his way to the truck parked right behind that one.

Holy shit, opurtunity is knocking and its nearly taking my door off my hinges. Two spaces RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE STORE, and if we felt like being greedy bitches, they could both be all ours.

So me and Prego are joking around about parking the car in a way to take up both spaces for our own, when we realize the guy was passing up that truck and heading to another vehicle far off.

Slightly disapionted at the guy ruining our fun, I mumble crap about him then I flip him off, practically pressing my middle finger to the wind shield.

THAT is the moment his girlfriend decides to look up from whatever she was doing and see me sitting there, my middle finger right up against the wind shield. To make things worse, the angle of the guy to the angle of Prego's car, the woman's truck practically between us at this point, it could be quite conceviable to think I was flipping her off.

I wasn't even mad, I was just goofing off. How the hell did I know not only was she going to look up at that moment, but to have her look directly at me when she did look up.

This is one of those moments you just can't play it cool. You can't pretend you where scratching your nose with that finger, maybe doing some finger excersises, or even pretend I was trying to scratch off something on the wind shield. It was blatantly advious I intentionally was flipping the bird, especially since I froze a for a moment when my eyes locked onto that ladies.

At that moment all I could do was drop my face into my hands and try not to laugh to much.

So there you go, my little antecdote which loses a lot of its comedy on here since I really can't do my hand gestures, facial expersions, and funny voices I tend to do when telling a story.

Since I have completely lost the whole point of this particual entry, I'll just end it here.

P.S. Sexybitch...congratulations. You are offically my first diaryland groupie. Why you want to be a groupie of me is beyond my imagination though...heh.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003