Dexter: And where in the world would we get a cement mixer from?

Monty: I have my connections.

Dexter: You know, that would be considered destruction of personal property.

Monty: You and your need to point out all the crimes we would be committing. You are fucking up all my plans.

Dexter: Well excuse me if I don't want to ruin my life by going to prison.

Monty: But you would make a fine prison bitch.

Dexter: Yeah, very funny buddy.

Monty: I can see it now. White cell bars, a little garden growing in the toilet, you and your husband Bubba snuggled up late at night. Its a fairy tale made in cheap gay porn heaven.

Dexter: Could we please get back to the plan.

Monty: Hey, what ever floats your boat Susie.

Dexter: Why the hell did you just call me Susie.

Monty: Hey, I'm just trying to help you get used to your new prison name.

Dexter: You're not going to let this go are you.

Monty: I'll let it go as soon as you stop crapping on all my plans.

Dexter: Ok, how about we try and come up with another idea first and if that doesn�t pan out, we can go with filling his car up with quick dry cement.

Monty: Now you are loosening that collar a bit. Now if we could just figure out how to get that corn cob out of your ass....

Dexter: You�ve grown quite an obsession with my ass. Anyways, here is my plan that will not only humiliate him, but will not result in a criminal investigation on us.

Monty: I�m all ears Susie.

Dexter: What we do is higher a couple of call girls to seduce him and take him back to a hotel room. They will convince him to let them tie him up to the bed. When caught in this akward position, they are going to cover him in make up then leave the room. That will be our key to run in and snap Polaroid�s of him. We then take all his clothes and stash them somewhere he can�t find them, then leave him there tied to the bed.

Monty: Actually, thats not a bad plan. I had no clue you could be so devious. Might I say, I�m quite impressed.

Dexter: Thank you, I�d like to think I can run with the best of them.

Monty: Then we can use the Polaroid�s to bribe him to keep us from sending them to his wife!

Dexter: No, no we are not going to do that. I will not be responsible for breaking up his marriage. That is going to far Monty.

Monty: Ok, fair enough. But I am going to send copies of them to all our old college friends, his fraternity, and a few random people in South Dakota...

*Dexter stares at him in silence. His eyes glaring disaproval.*

Monty: Ok....so we skip the South Dakota thing. So how do we know where he is going

to be tonight to do this plan.

Dexter: Don�t worry, I got that covered. He gave me his number to call him so we could meet up for drinks later tonight. I�ll give him a call and tell him to meet me at the Sand Bar at eight. We will get there at seven and sit somewhere he can�t see us so we can watch our plans

go in effect.

Monty: Alright, I�ll get the call girls you get the cameras and we will meet at the Sand Bar at seven o�clock.

Sometime later in a small, but quaint little bar, Dexter sits in a far corner booth anxiously looking around. Impatiently he checks his watch then drops his hand down to softly pat the little bag at his side. A soft sigh of relief as he sees Monty walk through the front doors, looks around tell he spots Dexter. Following close behind him is a skinny, ferrel looking man with greasy hair and a ratty NOFX T-shirt on.

Monty: Nice booth to sit in Dexter, took me a whole ten seconds to finally spot you. I bet that will fool Jackson real good.

Dexter: Who is that with you?

Monty: Oh him, thats just Doublespeak. He is an aquatint of mine I brought along to help us out.

Dexter: Doublespeak?

Monty: Yeah, ever since his step father clobbered him upside the head with a shovel when he was thirteen, he has a habit of saying everything twice.

Dexter: Why the hell did you bring him along?!

Monty: Trust me man, he is going to be real helpful. Hey, Doublespeak. I want you to meet a long time best buddy of mine, Dexter.

Doublespeak: Yo....yo.

Dexter: Uh, hello. Um, Monty, you think we can speak alone for a minute?

Monty: No problem. Hey Doublespeak, go park yourself on the bar and get yourself a drink on me.

Doublespeak: Yeah, get a drink...a drink.

Monty: *slides into the booth with Dexter, his voice low* slight change of plans. You see, Doublespeak there may look a little slow and talk weird, but the guy is an electronics genius.

Dexter: And what does that have to do with what we are doing?

Monty: Well, I�m thinking we got something better then Polaroid�s we can do. What we

can do is rent the hotel room next to the one Jackson and the call girls are going to be in. From

there we can survey all the cameras we have hidden around the room.

Dexter: um....excuse me?

Monty: We set up tiny hidden cameras in the room and in the room next to it we watch it all on the monitors.....*cough *wealsorecorditall *cough*

Dexter: WHAT?!?

Monty: Instead of taking the Polaroid�s, we record it all on video tapes instead. Now hear me out here. If we do it this way, he never has to see our faces so that way if he decides to press charges, he won�t know who did it. I�m just thinking out for you man.

Dexter: I�m not sure about this...

Monty: Glad you agree with me cause Doublespeak and I have already set up the rooms and cameras.

Dexter: Now wait a minute....

Monty: Great, there are the call girls.

In through the door walks to scandalously clad ladies of the night. One a tall, lean blonde with supple hips and soft curves ecenuated by her very short mini skirt. The other a shorter, more curvaceous Hispanic woman with shoulder length curly hair. Monty casually raises a hand

and waves the call girls over to there table. His eyes transfixed on the seductive sway of there hips, Dexter shakes his head and tries desperately to change what he is thinking of these women.

Monty: Ha, finally you ladies have arrived. Let me introduce you to my esteemed colleague Dexter. Dexter this is Ruby and the lovely miss Rosetta.

Ruby, the blonde, gives Dexter a coy smile and a wink as Rosetta suggestively licks her lips as she looks into his eyes. Dexter looking back, his body rigid, he lets out an audible gulp.

Ruby: So this the guy you want us to do.

Dexter: uhahahahahahahah *a burst of uncontrolled nervous laughter burst from his lips before he can slap his hand over his mouth*

Monty: No ladies, I�m quite sure he is in desperate need of your services, but we have other things in mind.

Rosetta: Thats to bad, he�s pretty cute.

Dexter: Uhm.....thank you

Monty: Please ladies, have a seat and let us discuss our business venture together.

Ruby slides into the booth next to Monty as Rosetta slides in next to Dexter. As Monty waves down a waiter, Rossetta casually leans into Dexter a bit, whispering hello into his hear in a raspy voice. Dexter�s eyes widen a bit at the feel of her hot breath on his neck.

Monty: Now ladies, what I�m asking you to do is simple. In about an hour a friend of ours will be arriving here. You see, we want to play a little prank on him. So we want you two to hit on him and drag him back to this hotel room.

Hands Ruby a hotel key

Now the thing is, we don�t want you to have sex with him. We just want you to get him in some ladies lingerie, tie him up to the bed, and apply some make up in his face. You gotta keep him thinking sex is soon so he goes along with your plans. When you receive a phone call from me, you two can grab his clothes and leave. Its as simple as that.

Ruby: Sounds kind of kinky. You sure your friend will be willing to along with this?

Monty: Oh yeah he will, you don�t have to worry about that part. Just don�t let him know

about us or the fact you two are call girls.

Rosetta: Sounds like and easy job to me Ruby.

Underneath the table, Rosetta casually places her hand on Dexter�s thigh, sliding up it up. Dexter lets out an audible gasp and leaps up in suprise, accidentally banging his head on the low over hang just above the seat. Collapsing down in the chair he lets out a little whimper as he rubs a the bump furiously.

Rosetta: Oh, are you ok sugar?

Dexter: grimacing from the pain, hand still rubbing at the bump* Yeah...I�m fine, just stings a little.

Dexter looks over at Monty covering his mouth, trying to cover up his barely contained laughter. He scowls at him before looking back at Rosetta with a weak little smile

Ruby: Well if your nervously hopping buddy over there is all right. We will take the job, but it will cost you a thousand for the two of us.

Monty: Fine, here is half the money now. You�ll get the other half of the money when you are done. I�ll let you know where to meet me when I call you.

Rosetta: So how do will we know who we are looking for?

Monty: Just look for a sniveling little weasel like pitiful excuse for a hu...

Dexter: Monty! Look, he will be a well dressed business man with a full beard, black hair, and goes by the name Jackson. He won�t be hard to miss, he will probably be the one wearing High Karate.

Monty: Alright ladies, you have your mission plan. We will be leaving now, we don�t want our friend seeing us with you. Might tip him off to something fishy going on here.

The two ladies slide out of the booth and stand up, letting Monty and Dexter out of the booths. Rosetta stands in front of Dexter, placing her hands on his shoulders she rises up and places a soft kiss on his cheek then whispers in his ear.

Rosetta: You are a cute one, how about you give me a call sometime and I�ll give a ride you will never forget.

She casually drops a hand down and slips it in his pocket and slips her card in. Before her hands moves out she very lightly draws her finger nails over his thigh through his pant pocket. Dexter�s draw drops open as he stammers and stutters, any form of coherent speech lost as the lades walk away from them. As Monty and Dexter are leaving the bar, Monty moves closer and begins singing quietly.

Monty: You want to hold her. You want to kiss her, get her naked and fu...

Dexter: Oh shut the fuck up Monty!

Sometime later a few blocks away in a cheap hotel sits Monty, Dexter, and Doublespeak. The three of them sitting at chairs starring at the monitors set up showing several angles of the hotel room next to them. The rooms is dark with the exception of the glow of the monitors. Cable cords, electronics tools, and assortment of other Radio Shack specialties lay strewn through out the room.

Dexter: I�m really starting to dislike how this plan is going. I�m not sure if we should go through with this anymore.

Monty: Eh, you just don�t want to see Jackson feeling up your new girlfriend.

Doublespeak: *snickers* Yeah, your new girlfriend....girlfriend.

Dexter: Oh christ, I�m never going to hear the end of this.

Monty: Uh....nope.

Doublespeak: h-h-h-h-h *slams his fist down on the table hard, jarring the monitors a bit*

Monty: Oh, he also has a stuttering problem that pisses him off.

Doublespeak: h-h-he is here...here.

Watching the soft glow of the monitors they see Ruby and Rosetta leading in a very drunken man in a business suit. Top buttons open, tie loosened up, shirt untucked, bottle of tequila clenched in his fist. He staggers in the bedroom and collapses on the bed, laughing hysterically.

Dexter: Well, I guess its to late to back out of it now.

Watching all the monitors, seeing all the angles as the two ladies giggle as they strip the man of his clothes. The man fumbling at the ladies, trying to cope a feel here and there. The ladies playfully bat his hands away as they keep stripping him down.

Monty: heh pay back is a mother fucker aint it Jackson.

Dexter: Just keep your dick in your pants Monty, its not over yet.

The little scene on the monitor goes on, the voices unintelligible except for the random drunken outburst of the man. The soft whir of the VCR�s fill there ears as they watch the screens intently. The two ladies struggling with the man to slip a silk Basque over his shoulders, giggling the entire time.

Monty: heh this is like watching call girls funniest home videos. I wonder if he is going to take a baseball bat to the jimmy.

Dexter: God, can�t this hurry up and be over with already.

Monty: Oh relax there Susie, no need to get your panties all in a bunch.

Dexter: I swear, if you call me Susie one more freakin time, I�m gonna show you who is going to take a baseball bat to the jimmy.

Monty: My god you need to get laid, you are so fucking tense. Good thing Rosetta slipped you that phone number, you are in the need of a good romping.

Dexter looks at Monty questioningly*

Dexter: You had something to do with her doing that didn�t you?

Monty: *raising his hands up* Whoa....didn�t have a thing to do with that buddy, and I mean that. She probably just has a thing for guys with more hang ups about woman then Richard Simmons.

Dexter: Oh fuck...not the Richard Simmons thing again.

Monty: I�m telling ya that you are a set of silky boxer shorts and a exersize video tape away.

Dexter: Just because I don�t go around sniffing at every female with in a hundred yards of me, doesn�t mean I�m gay asshole.

Monty: Isn�t that what Elton John said before he came out of the closet.

Dexter: You son of a bitch....

Dexter leaps out of his chair and tackles Monty to the floor. The two of them roll around on the floor, desperately trying to put the other one in some kind of submission hold. Grunting and panting as neither one of them can get the upper hand. Gasps are ripped from both there throats as a bucket of ice water is dumped on the two. Looking up, they see Doublespeak standing above them with an empty ice bucket, fighting to say something

Doublespeak: Y-y-y-y-y-y-you mother fucks are missing the the show...the show.

Monty and Dexter both look at each other with identical looks of slightly perplexed shock on there faces. Breaking apart, the two of them get back in there chairs and watch the monitors. Laying the bed in silk Basque and high heels, face painted up like Tammy Fay Baker on a bad

day, hands tied to the posts. The man looks back and forth at the woman with glazed eyes, suggestively grinding his hips at them as he mumbles incoherently. Monty quietly nudges Doublespeak and gives him a little head nod. Doublespeak stands up, packs up the majority of his gear, then makes his way out of the room.

Dexter: Where is he going?

Monty: He�s getting the truck ready for a quick get away after this is all done.

Reaching for the phone, Monty dials up the room next to them. The sound of a phone ringing softly emits from the monitors. Ruby walks around the bed and picks up the phone.

Monty: Time to get out of there now. Grab his clothes and meet me in the lobby. *click*

Ok, its time we make our retreat.

The two of them get up and head down the elevators to the lobby. A few minutes later the lades come down to the lobby with the man�s business suit crumpled up in a ball.

Ruby: *handing him the clothes* Ok, where is the rest of our money?

Monty: *fumbling around in the pants, he slips out the wallet and searches the contents of it. Slipping out five hundred dollars from the wallet, he hands it over* There you go ladies, it was pleasure doing business with you.

Rosetta: *swaying her hips back and forth, she moves towards Dexter. Leaning into him so her breasts are pressed against his cheek, she places a soft kiss on his chin* Call me

sugah

*as she walks away, she gives Dexter�s ass a good slap causing him to jump in the air with a little yelp. Monty grins at Dexter as his face turns a deeper and deeper shade of crimson. Monty looks down as he flips through the contents of the wallet. Stopping all of a sudden, Monty�s eyes widen as his jaw drops.*

Monty: FUCK!!!

Dexter: What what what???

Monty: Um....this isn�t the right guy.

Dexter: What the fuck do you mean this isn�t the right guy?!?

Monty: I mean you talked to the wrong fucking Jackson from college. This is Joseph Jackson, my grudge was with his older brother Michael.

Dexter: Wha...what?

Monty:, His older brother, the complete asshole, the football jock with an attitude. THAT Jackson is the one I was talking about. Sure, his younger brother was a putz, but his brother was the ring leader in all there plans.

Dexter:, Oh my fucking lord, we did this to a guy who didn�t even deserve it.

Monty: You see, if you didn�t persist on going to your classes and burying your head in the books in college, you might have known this shit. *groans* and to think I filled his little brothers car with cement....

Dexter: YOU DID WHAT!!!

Monty: Oh ..heh heh, I sort of stuck with my original plan.

Dexter: Oh my fucking lord Monty! I thought we discussed this.

Monty: We did, I thought it was a good idea, you didn�t like it. Hence why I didn�t include you into that part of the plan.

Dexter: Ok, let me see if I can get this straight. We got a guy in a hotel room tied down and wearing women�s lingerie. We are holding onto his clothes which includes his wallet which you took five hundred dollars out of to pay off the call girls we hired TO tie him to the bed and

leave him. On top of this, his car sits out there in the parking lot filled with rapidly drying cement that you put there.

Monty: Yep, that about wraps up this entire night minus the fact one of the call girls has the hots for you.

Dexter: What the fuck are we going to do?!?!

Monty:hm, good question. I propose that we do this...

*Turning towards the doors, Monty runs full bore, clothes falling around him. Dexter sighs then begins running along with him. A scene straight out of Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, the two of them make for the doors as if it means there life.*

Dexter: Hey Monty...

Monty: What....

Dexter: If I ever agree to one of your hair brained schemes again, you have permission to break my legs.

Monty: Deal...

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003