Announcer: Welcome to a new and exciting revolution in weight loss. A program so revolutionary, it will blow your MIND! Now please welcome the hostess with the mostess, Debbie Darling.

*An appluase sign flashes above the studio audience as a woman with a deep tan and more teeth then Mr. Ed is greeted by a enthusiastic audience*

Debbie: Thank you, thank you. We have a wonderfull show for you today folks. What would you think if I said you could lose those love handels with just the power of your mind. Sounds to good to be true, huh. Well, not according to Chuck Randolf and his new book, "Thinking is for skinny people." Now, give a warm welcome to our guest, Chuck Randof!

*The applause sign is cued up as a man in his later years comes out wearing a muscle shirt and running pants. A confident bounce in his step, big shinny teeth glowing in the spot light with his big grin.*

Chuck: Oh Debbie, its is absolutely GREAT to be here today! I'm so pumped!

Debbie: Welcome Chuck, and thank you for gracing us with your presence today.

Chuck: Yes, you should be thanking me because by the end of this show, you'll never think the same way again.

Debbie: Now isn't that just excellent folks!

Chuck: Now Debbie, what do you know about the mind.

Debbie: Well, I know its where I keep all my phone numbers and my peach cobler recipe.

*A slight chuckle arises from the studio audience.*

Chuck: So right Debbie, but did you also know you have the POWER to think all that fat off your body?

Debbie: *slightly rehearsed shock and suprise expression* Why no I didn't Chuck. Would you do me the favor and please enlighten me.

Chuck: Of course you didn't, cause I am the only one who knows this fantastic idea and today I share it with the world!

*A confused applause arises from the audience as the look around for the hidden cameras.*

Chuck: Now Debbie, did you know the brain only equals to one fifiteth of your body weight, but it one fifth of your caloric intake each and every day of your life!

Debbie *as best as her sun dried skin will allow, her mouth opens wide in suprise* Oh my, I had no clue, thats just amazing!

Chuck: Now did you know that humans, on average, only use roughly ten percent of there brain capacity?

Debbie: *mocking look on her face* Now I can believe that one.

*The audience laughs how hardly as some take bets on if Debbie uses half or a quarter of that capacity*

Chuck: Just think about that one Debbie. A part of your body that consists of only two percent of your body weight, but consumes twenty percent of your caloric intake. AND its only running at ten percent capacity! Just think of the potential of this!

Debbie: WHOA! I had no idea!

Chuck: Of course you didn't, Debbie. You are stuck at only ten percent of your brain capacity. But with my book, you will learn to use more of that brain of yours. And with a more active brain, the more calories it will eat up each and every day!

Debbie: I'm so amazed, I don't even know what to say! How about we give him a round of applause!

*After bribing them with free drinks and doughnuts, the audience appluades whole heartedly*

Chuck: Now Debbie, take a look what I got on this table. *walks her over to a table covered in food*. What we have here is five double cheese burgers wrapped in bacon and slathered in mayo. Five large double peperoni pizzas. A large plate of greaxy french fries. A gallon of peanut butter cup ice cream. A two liter of soda pop. And a family of five sized order of tacos. What if I said you could eat this all in one day and not only will you NOT gain weight, but you'll lose it!

Debbie: Now you are just talking goblidy gook here.

Chuck: No, seriously Debbie. You can eat ALL this food in one day under my plan. In fact, I've been eating this exact food for breakfeast for a week now and look at me! I have less then two percent body fat, my cholesteral is as low as a new born baby, and I'm more healthy then an ox!

Debbie: Oh my Chuck, how can you do such a thing.

Chuck: Because with my book "Thinking is for skinny people" you will literaly eat up all that caloric intake just by using the power of your mind!

Debbie: Well you must be a saint, and my hips are thanking you for it!

Chuck: And juding by your ass, I'll shall be getting a thank you note in the mail in the next week.

*A few men bark in laughter tell there prespecitve mates stare them down and threaten bodily harm to sensitive areas*

Chuck: And just by reading my book, "Thinking is for skinny people" you too will learn the secrets of how to achieve a more active, calorie eating mind.

Debbie: How about you give us an idea how this works, Chuck.

Chuck: Now we are talking, Debbie. First, we got to give your brain some exercises to strengthen and expand your capacity. One good example would be to read Stephen Hawkings "The Large Scale Structure of Spacetime". Now if that doesn't get your brain working, I don't know what will.

Debbie: Doesn't he play for the Detroit Red Wings?

Chuck: *looks at Debbie as if she is some unidentifed species* No Debbie, he would be a Proffesor of astronomy. With your mind working on such vast theories about the space/time continum and black holes, your brain can't help but stretch past its current capacity. And in no time, you'll be thinking away all that fat tell you are the healthy, think you!

Debbie: Isn't that just exciting!

*At gun point, the audience finally sucumbs to applause.*

Chuck: And with my book, "Thinking is for skinny people" you will learn that not only will you lose all that weight, but you'll tap into previously unknown resources!

Debbie: Oh really, now what are these "resources" you speak of?

Chuck: I knew you where going to say that Debbie and not just cause its written on the cue cards. You see Debbie, I have learned to use up to eighty percent capacity of my brain! At this very moment I can read your mind! In fact, here's my phone number, we'll try out all those sexual positions after the show, but leave the toilet seat behind, I don't do water works.

Debbie: *blushes a brilliant shade of crimson as she nervously laughs*

Chuck: Thats right folks, with my book, "Thinking is for skinny people" you too can tap these unknown resources.

Debbie: *looks off camera at the director as Chuck goes off script*

Chuck: With my book you will learn the fine arts of telepathy, telekinesis, and even how to manipulate the very space/time contium that Stephen Hawkings's mentions in his book.

*the audience gasps in suprise. Chatter rises up as a general air of fear and confusion fills the audience*

Debbie: um, Chuck...

Chuck: Do you dare question me, mortal!

With the powers of my mind, I can not only read your mind, but change the very way you think! Give for example, I can make each and every member in this audience not only think Freddy got Fingered to be the funniest movie to ever come into existance, but to all love Tom Green for his brilliant work!

*The audience falls deafly quiet*

Debbie: Ok, even I'm not buying that one.

Chuck: Ok, I'm stretching it there. BUT, let me show you the power of my mind!

*Looking directly at Debbie, his face turning a deep shade of crimson, veins begin popping up on his forehead and neck. His whole body visibly shakes as Debbie, wide eyed, slowly staggers backwards away from him. Then, with a loud ripping sound, Debbie's body explodes in a shower of blood and sinew, drenching everyone. Chuck stands there with his arms raised triumphantly to the sky, screaming like a banshee*

Chuck: BEHOLD THE POWER OF MY MIND! YOU ALL SHALL BOW BEFORE ME AND WORSHIP ME AS YOUR NEW GOD! BUY MY BOOK, BUY MY BOOK!!!!!

Note to readers: Ok, this was a hell of a lot funnier when I first thought of this idea. So, before you all run away confused and scared, let me just say sorry.....lets just marks this off as a bad idea and lets not call the mental hospital to come pick me up. I'd much apreciate that k, thanks.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003