Yeah, I"m making it sound greater then it is, but I've gotta work with something since I only had offically three people enter it.

A sad testement to my popularity, truely it is.

Ok, moving past that, on to anouncing the winner.

It was a close race between three people, one I have not a freakin clue who it is. Just a note to anyone who cares to use my message board. If you don't use your diary land user name, but something completely different. Drop me a clue huh, I'm not a psychic here.

I bet your just sitting on the edge of your chair, anxiously waiting to hear who the winner is.

That or your just wishing I would get on with this before start cashing your social security checks.

Either way, here is the winnner...

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ANGELINE!

Ok, before I hear anything about being biased because she is a cutey, let me 'splain.

She cheated.

Thats right, she cheated, and probably didn't even know she did. Or did she??

The line she choose to translate comes straight from a Kevin Smith film. In fact, one of my favorites of the movie.

So I don't know if its a matter of coincedence or the fact she remembers I'm a member of the Diaryland loves Kevin Smith web ring.

Either way, it was the clencher for the win.

Ah hell, I'm feeling generous, I'll even give a link to the man who came in second place........of three people.

BDC the quirky Weezer fan who has some prediliction towards snakes.

Freudian?

Quite possibly, but I'd rather not explore that.

I live in Michigan, the mid-west, and its a tiny ass town. Reading is not for fun, its a requirement in school kind of mentality. So it comes to no suprise that we have only one book store in town.

The name of it, quite ingenius really, is The Bookmark. Ok, not so much ingenius, but more like simplistic cheese. Though it is better then what it was called for many years, Read Mor.

And no, thats not one of my multiple typos/bad spelling. It actually was called Read Mor, no e at the end. I know this for sure since it was a small chain store around the western coast of the lower penisula.

And the irony of living in the mid-west and having them spell a book store like that has not escaped me. Though it did seem to fly right over the head of the owners.

Then again I do live not a block away from a dark brown building with the letters BM on the front of it.

So there not really alone in this.

Well, I haven't actually been to The Bookmark in several months. Seeing all those books an not having the money to even get one is just torture. So, I pretty much avoid the place.

Unfortunetly I've come to some....needs I just couldn't avoid any longer.

Alright, lets not pussy foot around this. I needed porn, its as simple as that. My inagination is very active, so that works for the majority of the time.

But, sometimes I need a little fuel for the imagination, a little inspiration. Eye candy for my preverted needs.

So head down the only place I can pick up a magazine, The Bookmark.

Come to find out, they have made a few changes in the place. IN fact, a lot of changes. Seems the knocked down the back wall and completely remolded the place.

Now there is little featured artist tables, more room for shelves of books, tables and chairs near the big windows, and they sell coffee for your drinking pleasure.

Very trendy of them, though a few years late to join the trend.

I'm looking around admiring how good it looks, apreciating hwo there is so much more room for books. But...there seemed to be something missing....I can't put my finger on it, but I swear there is something missi......

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!! WHAT THE HELL DID THEY DO WITH THE PORN!!!

I'm in panick mode her, imaging the religious right of the town finally getting there way and eliminating yet another faction of sinful self gratification.

Ok, thats a bit to articulate for the thoughts that where running through my head at that moment in time. It actually was more like this...

YOU GOD DAMN SUMABITCHES!!! I SWEAR, IF I DON'T SEE IMAGES OF NAKED FLESH AIR BRUSHED TO MY SPECIFICATIONS SOMEWHERE IN THIS STORE, I WILL RAIN DOWN WITH FIRE AND BRIMSTONE AND BURN YOUR FUCKING MONKEY ASSES RIGHT OFF THE FACE OF THIS.....

oh, there it is.

Tucked in the back of the store in its own little inclosed room sat the shelves of dirty magazines, erotic books, and anything that deals with graphic images of tattoos and marijuana.

Or as I like to call it........heaven.

Truth be told, I'm kind of happy the tucked that room back there. Before they remodeled, you had to sneak past the counter into this little alcove right next to the big windows.

So not only would the cashiers have you in full sight the entire time, but unless you where really short or ducking down, anyone passing the store would know what you are looking at. Well, anyone who knows that little corner is the porn section that is.

Being more of a closet porn lover. Though not a very good one sense I'm talking about it on here. I like to be as descrete as possible when purchasing porn.

Here is a few tips for those of you who are on the prowl for a little bit of porn, but would rather not anounce it to the world.

Step 1: Never walk directly to the porn section.

What you have to do is walk around casually through the store. Browses various books on the shelves, pick up the occasional one. Make it look like an accident you just hapen to work your way over to the porn section.

Now this requires a little bit of acting on your part. Your there for porn, you know this, but you don't want anyone else knowing this. Your mind is pre-occupied with half naked porno stars frolocking in your head, wielding various sexual toys.

Its good if you actually see books on the shelves you want to read, but you may come across he self help or business section of books on your way to said porno section.

You NEED to look like these are they very best books on this particular subject you have ever witnessed. BUT you can't go over board or you'll call to much attention to yourself.

Just furrow your brow in concentration, pick up a book and flip through the pages as you nod your head as if you agree with the book.

Step 2: Make sure the store is as clear as it gets.

This one requires patients on your part and some time to waste.

At times of the day, there is usually a regular flow of people in and out of the store. You got watch these people, see the ones who grab a newspaper or look through the magazines with a purpose.

There the quick in and out people. They know what they want, its easily acessable. They'll grab what they are there for, pay for it, then leave.

The draw back to this one is the "desperate for human attention gabber." This breed of person obviously is a very lonely person. You say hello to them, five minutes later they are giving you there life story. If retired, complete with stories about broken hips and triple bypass surgery.

Avoid eye contact at all costs. You lock eyes on this person, you'll be there for the next three hours lost in a hellish haze of grand children's pictures and stories about how damn interesting there work is. Also, try not to actualy talk to them. If provoked to speak a greetings, make sure you mumble it then look away at something intently as if it holds all your attention.

Trust me on this one, its not just a tip, its a survival technique.

When the quick buyers are all gone, wait out the casual browswers a bit. Five, ten minutes, they'll get bored and leave as well.

Its the ones who are there actually looking for a book, but not sure what they want you shouldn't bother waiting out. If you do, you will be there all day. That and there all to busy to actually notice you.

Besides, how many of them are actually there on a quest for a good book, or are really there doing what your doing. Walking around checking out books, waiting tell the store thins out to grab some porn.

You waiting for them to leave to buy some porn. Them waiting for you to buy some porn. Its a stalemate, just make your way to the porn section and be quick about it.

Step 3: Make sure the porn room is empty before entering.

Sure, they're in there for the exact same reason you are, to buy porn. Hell, there IN the porn section, I'm sure they didn't mistake it for a bathroom.

Yet, this still does not help from feeling the embarassment of aknowledging your carnal desires to the public. Plus, you never know if there one of the "creepy" types who persue the section. You know the ones, there checking out the barely legals and teen like porno mags with a malicious gleam in there eyes. Its quite disturbing, so just let them have the room for awhile and wait your turn.

Step 4: KNOW YOUR PORN!

For complete descretion for your porn purchasing, you need to do a little research. Find out what magazines fit your needs the most and stick with them.

This usually means hitting the stores at times no one is around. Just after morning workers and just before lunch hour is the best time for this.

This way, when you get a feel which mags become your favorites, all you have to do is walk in, spot it on the rack, grab and go.

Its like mission impossible......only with porn.

Step 5: Purchase the porn then get the hell out of there.

Wait tell the counter is free of anyone either talking or purchasing anything. This might mean walking up and down the empty aisle, keeping the porn low and at your hip so as to not be so visible.

Once its clear, walk up with your money ready for the purchase. Drop it on the counter and say as LITTLE as humanly possible.

Few taps on the cash machine, a brown bag, and money exchanged you are on your way out of the place with porn in hand.

mission sucessful.

Problem is, this doesn't always work this smoothly.

Like when I went there after the remodeling.

You see, right in front of the counter sits a very large open space. Its very visible to anyone at the tables, looking at the featured artist table, or anyone else persueing the store.

On top of this, the ceiling are pretty high. Resulting in anything above a whisper echoing off the walls and easily heard anywhere in the store.

So, I get through all the steps up to purchase the porn. I'm almost home free..........except for one fucking woman.

Seems she REALLY liked the little bird houses on the artist of the month table, but just can't decide which one she wants more. Oh, good idea, lets talk to the cashier non stop and get her opinion on each bird house.

Oh, well while I'm at it, lets see how she feels about politics, the weather, the economy, and religion in its entirety.

Fucking hell.

So I'm walking back and forth up the aisles, checking out boks while keeping an eye open for the lady to move away fromt eh counter.

Ah, she has finally moved away and back to the artists table. This is my window of opurtunity.

So I move in quick only to find it must have been a feign, a ruse, a scam this woman was pulling. Before I got to the counter, she had slide right back up to it, asking the cashier's opinion on yet another bird house.

Crap, I'm trapped.

So I'm standing at the corner of the counter, a very large island. The cash register is RIGHT THERE, only the place you purchase anything is several feet over to my left.

Well, I stand there and try and act nonchalant while flipping out in my head. I guess I must have been sending radio signals out with my thoughts cause thats when the lady looks over at me and says...

"Oh, don't let me get in your way. I'm going to be here awhile anyways."

So she steps aside a bit to let me up to the counter, but stays right there gabbing with the cashier.

There is no place for me to hand the mag to the cashier from where I'm staying without fling it over the computer. So, I forced to stretch over and set it right down.......where EVERYONE can see it.

The cashier looks down and doesn't even cringe, she is obviously used to this. The indecisve bird house woman looks down, sees plastic wrapped around it to hide the naked woman on the cover. Her eyes widen a bit, her speech stutters.

Yep, I'm busted. Thats right, its porn, you got a problem with that!

Hanging my head down, I try to get through the rest of my purchase incident free. I grab my brown paper bag of sin and make my way to the door.

Just before I get to it, someone on the other side apears and opens the door. I look up and I see a wonderious sight......

A FELLOW PORN PERSUER!!!

The down cast eyes, the mumble to his speech, the over all "please don't notice me, I'm really a nice guy" deameneor.

He is there to purchase porn god love him.

I wanted to hug the man, but then I'd be the creepy porn purchaser. A role not easily shrugged off.

Shake his hand instead?

OH hell no, I know what he is going to do with that hand. I'll pass, thank you.

So as he held the door for me, I tried giving him this look that said...

Greetings fellow porn lover. Thank you for being so kindly to hold the door open for me. Its so fantastic to know I'm not alone in this one horse town here to purchase the lovely porn with the graphic images of woman in very uncomfortable and comprimising positions. Be well my porn brother, you are not alone.

Though something tells me the look came across more like, "what the hell is that in your hair?!?"

Christ, I've put WAY to much thought into this purchasing porn descretly crap.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003