Fuck Nut has been officaly stolen from one crazy cool and lovely Ms-M.

As many of you know Fernando aka "currently a glorified paper weight" and I have not been getting along well. You see I ask for a kick ass computer that runs. Fernando insists on being a kick ass computer with more instability problems then your average mutli-personality inmate.

It becomes a serious conflict of interest.

To start off my floppy drive was acting fucked up. Anytime I tried using it, the computer completely locked up on me. Forcing a hard reboot of the system which is oh so bad to do.

Ok, no floppy drive for me it seems.

Ah, then the modem problem arrives. Seems I'm having a driver interface problem every 2.3 nanoseconds which makes the interface shut down. Which then means I have to reboot the computer in order to use the modem again.

At one time I had to reboot the computer twenty times in two hours.

Twenty.fucking.times.

So I get me a new modem, that should solve my problem. Yep, no more driver interface problems. I mean it IS new hardware, we must then have absolutely new and creative problems.

Shouldn't we?

At least thats how Fernando sees it. The new modem for some gawd awfull reason made doing anything a "bash your head against the brick wall in hopes you punch a hole in it" kind of fun. You see for some reason when the modem was running on the internet, any program I ran effectively locks up my computer tell its down loading.

Ah, but there is a helpfull 800 number on the box that I can call. Well gee, isn't that nice.

*tries not to violently smash something at this point.*

Oh, well it seems they are completely baffled by my problems and have NEVER heard of such a problem EVER! Well isn't that nice, I'm now in the offical record books of Multi-Tech for having the most fucked up modem problems in company history.

And should I mention my brand new 64MB Gforce2 video card for unknown reasons doesn't work. That I can get my device manager to recognize my video card, say its running properly, but when I actually try and use it the shit doesn't work.

Yeah, thats a nice option. Video card with no video.

Frustration abound, I'm ready to kill the first breathing thing that isn't me. A few hours with a meat clever, a semi truck battery, and Tom Green would be fun right about now.

Ok, so I finally make some progress with my computer. Only after for some unthinkable reason losing my CD-ROM and CD-RW and unable to locate it with Windows for several hours. I finally manage to get my floppy drive working right, and it seems tinkering around enough I finally got my modem working properly....the orginal one, not the record book making one.

But the fun doesn't end here folks!

Thanks to all the forced hard boots of the computer, the unistall and reinstall of hardware and software with dificulites, my WinXP has become severly unstable.

Well, isn't that just special.

So I decided today I was going to splurge a little, make me and Fernando happy. So I went out and bought a 256MB strip of RAM, effectively doubling the RAM on my computer.

You'd think that would make any computer happy, wouldn't you?

Nope, cause now I'm having pci.sys problems that make impossible for WinXP to load. Not only that, but the problem carries over to reformating the hard drive. Seems the file is either missing or corrupt which means the OS and the reformating won't run.

urge.to.kill.rising.

Ok, so after several hours of talking to people who know more then me, which conceviably isn't all that hard. I have to options ahead of me to fix my problems.

Option 1:

Take the hard drive out of my pre-historic computer *the one I'm on now*. Make the big ass hard drive of Fernando's the slave hard drive so it boots up from the signifigantly smaller hard drive. Then reformat the corrupt hard drive that way.

But here in lies the problem.

Seems there are metal plates inside my archic computer that make it impossible for me to reach two of the screws holding the hard drive in. Short of ripping it apart, I can't get the damn thing out of there.

Option 2:

A tutorial on how to start from the begining, wiping your hard drive clean and reformating your computer. One of the early steps is you have to get this tool that will wipe your hard drive clean and set it back to factory specifications.

I can dig that shit.

So I download the program and when you run it, it will prompt you to put a floppy disk in which it then will make a boot disk for you to clear off your hard drive. I try this, it stops and tells me the floppy in the drive isn't properly formated.

Oh, oops, forgot to format my floppy. My bad.

Ten minutes later and three freshly formated floppys laying around me like the dead bodies of my future victims. The damn program is STILL giving me this shit about the floppy not being properly formated.

Now I'm just to tired mentally to deal with all these problems and feel like going to sleep to get away from this shit.

I hate that feeling, where life gets so rough, that everything gets to be so overwhelming that the first thing my mind wants to do is take a damn nap.

As if thats going to miracolously fix all my god damn problems.

And the worst thing is this isn't even the biggest frustrations in my life nor my biggest worries. Its the distraction I'm trying to use so I don't think about the other problems.

Bills need to be payed and soon or I can expect a very cold, very dark, very un cable like couple of days. The house is in serious dis-repair and I can't seem to muster the energy to get around to fixing this problem. I'm in such a desperate need for new clothes I'm borderline pathetic/homless chic.

And all of this is tiny to the the thing I've been trying to avoid thinking about, but find it there at the corner of my psyche anytime I look. Something so difficult to deal with I don't even know how to grasp it all.

Let me start this with a little back history. There is this family I've known since I've been in junior high school. Divorced parents who are career alcholics to the point of being sad. The mother being one so long she looks roughly fifteen years older then she actually is. I was quite suprised to find out a couple years ago that she is still in her thirties when she looks to be in her fifties.

And on the fast track of heavy alcholism and mental instability is three of her kids. Three people I consider to be friends, but at the same time avoid like the plague because the "need to party" all the time is crushingly overwhelming.

All three of them having been in drama filled and abusive relationships with several people. Alchol being the catalyst to all there problems and fucking hell do they consume a lot of it.

Well I hadn't seen any of them in quite awhile when one of them, she is about my age, stopped by my house about a month ago. She had a big smile on her face and a certain air about her I had never seen before.

She wanted to show me this new truck she got and tell me the wicked deal she pulled off to get the truck. We sat there in her truck and talked for a good solid hour and I come to find out she has changed, a lot. The drinking was all but gone, to the point she can get buzzed on three beers rather then having to wait for a head change after a fifth of vodka.

This is the woman who introduced to me the concept of Mohawk Vodka and Kool Aid. Of course the time she did this when I was around is when they where out of sugar so really it was colorfull, even more nasty tasting cheap vodka.

Not only was the drinking gone, but she was in an actual loving relationship. No abuse, no screaming matches that turned into knife and hatchet fights *which has happened*. He had a really good job, she has a really good job. The two of them talking about marriage, a kid, looking into buying a home.

Everything I had come to not expect from her. A normal, and stable kind of life.

This is all what makes what happened even more tragic.

As history with this family has proven, when a family get together happens the alchol pours. And as following the natural order of all that is this family, a argument which turns into a bloody fight happens during there "festivities of fun".

So drunk she can barely walk, she got up pissed off ass hell and not wanting to be there. She jumped in her truck and sped off.

She was found later, the front end of the truck wrapped around a tree. She, by what I've heard, hit the tree head on going roughly eighty miles per hour.

For the past week she has been in ICU, undeterimened if she will live or not. Punctured kidney and liver, every bone and piece of cartilage in her head is completely shattered. If she manages to live through this she will spend the next several years getting major head reconstruction.

As I had feared, something seriously tragic has changed the rest of her life.

I was mortified when I heard that this had happened to her. Saddened to find out how it resulted in her crashing her truck. Disapointed she fell off her wagon and destroyed the happy life she was building.

There is only one thing that could be good that comes out of this and it doesn't even deal with her or her family.

A close friend of mine, and a friend of hers, I've been seeing her turn into a serious alcholic. Dependent on alchol and weed to make it through her day. It was steadly getting worse, but now its become a day to day habit.

I've said things to her and her boyfriend. That this isn't good for her, that she is taking this all to far. I've asked her why does she feel the need to sedate herself on such a regular basis. Commented on the fact that not a year ago she was feeling bad for someone else they know who has gotten so bad himself that he can't start his day off tell he drinks his first fourty ounce of beer.

Now I see she has the same habit. She lies to her family constantly, hides her addictions from all of them to the point that she seems to be living one big lie.

And what can I do about all this? When I've pointed out the reality of her situation from cutting humor to flat out telling her the truth. Talking to her boyfriend one on one and telling him "your girlfriend is a serious alcholic and co-dependent and she needs help, bad."

So they both give me this grand speech about knowing how bad it is, how they are trying to fix this problem. But instead they hide there drinking from me now. Thinking I don't see it, thinking I don't notice when they have been drinking or smoking weed. Generaly insulting my intelligance like only a true alcholic can do it. One in so much denial that they have come to believe in in there own batch of lies. Where lies become so easy that the truth becomes a burden best left for others to handle.

What do I do?!? What do I do when I see one friend destroy her life, quite possibly kill herself because of her stupid habits and bullshit drama. Then watch yet another friend delve deeper and deeper into the abyss and no matter how much I fight I can't pull them back or even slow there decent.

I guess my computer breaking down was the catalyst for me to finally snap and feel completely helpless and out of control.

And to add insult to injury, her problems she pushes onto her boyfriend which is steadly driving him insane.

These are some of the closest people in my life and I feel like I don't even know them anymore.

And what pains me most is I don't even WANT to know them anymore. They won't listen to reason, they choose to completly fuck up there lives, lie to everyone they know.

I'm afraid I'll get dragged down with them by assocation and I fucking hate that I feel like that.

So now my only hope is the complete destruction of one friend's life will be the wake up call my other friends need very badly. And I thought it did since she actually stopped on the way from the hospital and said to her boyfriend "I think I need counseling, I think I might be an alcholic."

Words that are heaven to my ears...but her actions scream "fuck that, I'd rather be drunk" as I witness bottle after bottle of empty booze around them. Watch them act like complete idiots. I can actually see where this is becoming a disease for them, watching it unravel there mental stability.

And there isn't a damn thing I can do about it.

And I'm very fucking pissed.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003