2001-05-29 - 12:48 a.m.
Drunk at The Memorial Day Extravaganza
Well I particapated in a Memorial Day extravaganza last night. Which is a first for me, since I really don't give a shit to celebrate that holiday. Well, my bass player friend was going to be one of three bands to play out at this big farm. There were estimated to be somewhere from 500 to 900 people to be there. Of course, shitty weather killed that, so only like 60 to 70 people showed up. Ah, but fuck it, more beer for the rest of us. The farm was owned by the same guy who owns KROCK, some big time radio station I usually don't listen to. So, as per usual, my friend gets the times fucked up. So when I arrive, I am like two hours earlier then any one. There where a half dozen people there, and one half barrel of Busch. The second I saw that half barrel, I was on a mission. First objective: is the beer free. Second objective: where are the cups. Third objective: drink so much beer that my body screams, "Whoa there big boy, much more of that and we will be sweating beer". Proudly I had all my objectives done in a record time. Grabbed me a cup from inside then proceed to park my candy ass no more then five feet away from the keg all night. By time the crowd arived, I was three sheets to the wind and loving it. See, I drink but rarely, but when I do, I am going for the gold baby. This can be confirmed by Gawain, but choose not to tell that story. Lets just say I don't come across very well in it *laughs*. So there I am, practically sitting on the keg with the nozel in my mouth. By time any of my friends show up, my brain is marinating quite nicely in a bath of beer. Oh, did I fail to mention, I didn't get a chance to eat anything that day. So I am feeling preaty god damn good, and I want others to join in the spirit. Well conversation soon leans towards some of my more classic nights of depravity. Since I am goofey drunk, it soon has all the people listening laughing tell they puke *ok, over egaeration on my part there, they weren't laughing, just puking*. So I am going to take a little brake from my Memorial day extravaganza to tell you about the tail of the two faced dog boy.The tail begins some three years ago, a week before Halloween. As per usual, my bass player friend has gotten the time wrong. So me and The Ghost Lordwhere there about an hour and a half before the doors was open. A BYOB party prompted us to by a fifth of the cheapest vodka we can find and a bottle of orange pop. So when the band finally shows up, me and The Ghost Lord have three quarters of the bottle finished off and are preaty fucking plastered. So I try to have a coherent conversation with the drummer. Which is more like I try to talk and he laughs a lot. Well I come to find out its a costume party when he asks me to pick which mask he should wear on stage. I tell him to pick the Scream mask, since it would glow in the dark and that would be cool yeah. So I ask for the other mask, a werewolf mask. Since my head is the size of a ripe watermellon, I can only get it on the top of my head. Well, blitz out of my mind, I turn it side ways and yell out on occasion "I AM THE TWO FACED DOG BOY OOOOOHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!". Well The Ghost Lord, the bass playing girlfriend, and me spend most of the night drunkely dancing on the tiny little dance floor alone. I end up head banging tell my head nearly falls off, howling, and hitting on the now wife of the other bands lead singer. Well the night has wrapped up, we managed to score another pint of vodka and drank it straight on the dance floor. Well the building we where in had only one unisex bathroom. So many people decided the back of the building was good place to go. Well I decided I needed to piss, had every attention going back there to piss. So I get back there and what do I do. I puke my guts up tell I see my liver quiviring on the wet grass. As my stomach was stagging a revolution, I noticed this guy standing right next to me pissing and swaying back and forth. I stop puking and he stops pissing long enough for me to pull back my hair and say "Hey, hows it going". He repeats it back to me as slured as I am sure I was. Then back to the revolution. Well we couldn't seem to catch a ride and there was no phone around. So we had to walk. Well my bass players girlfriend is so tank she can't walk, so I have to carry her on my back. Well two staggering long blocks later. She is leaning back so far she is choking to life out of me and I collapse in a heap begging for death or my bed, which ever was easier to get to. Drunk off our ass at 3 in the morning, I am elected to knock on someones door and drunkinly beg them to let me use there phone. If I wasn't so exhausted, I would have laughed my ass off at the site of four drunk long hairs and one very freaked out woman. So scared was this woman, she barely cracked the screen door, tossed her cordless at me, then yelled out "leave it on the steps when your done" while slaming the door on our face. Luckily, we find a friend with a car still up and willing to pick our slacker asses up. End of anticdote. Now back to our regurally scheduled program, the Memorial Day extravaganza. Well, being the only one drunk that early other then my close friend Jinx. I decided to declare myself the offical obnoxious drunk of the party as I drink my beer and yell out on occasion. Well, two dozen or so glasses of beer *not sure on that one, lost count on how many I had* later, the bands are playing preaty good despite the weather. By time the third band is almost finished, a new keg had to be shipped out to the farm. This is about the time the beer starts tasting like some one dropped some alka seltzer in it and my body is begging for mercy. So after I have drank my body weight worth of beer and have made a complete ass of myself *as per usual* we decide its time to leave and crash at our respective pads. Well for some stupid reason, I get my ride to stop by Meijers to pick up a few things. Well a drunk man with a bank card and a ATM machine is a lethal combination on ones monetary value. So 20 minutes later and 50 dollars worth of groceries in my hand. I finally get home, and pass out faster then Billy Idol outside the Viper Room. Well waking up ten hours later was a joy. My whole body aching, my throat horse from all the yelling, and the muscles in my neck burning with pain from all the head banging. I proceed to curse more then a trucker after a 18 hour angel dust bing. As I am wondering why the fuck did I buy fifty dollars worth of groceries when I already had food at home. Once again, I promise myself to never let myself go shopping when that blitz out of my mimd *cours truth be told, the only way I aint going to do that is if I don't have money and don't carry my ATM card with me* So..thats the end of my story...hope you got a chuckle at my usual dumb ass. Maybe some day I will post my night I refer to as "The pole dance and the Wet drem".....or maybe not...got to keep some dignity here. Oh as a finaly note. I might have been real drunk, but my boy Jinx made me look preaty god damn normal. Hey, next time Jinx, lets start drinking at the same time and we can head bang and Yell shit at the band together *laughs*
  
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