Gladiator

Well, as many of you read from my last posting, I decided to let things loose, to release a lot of my past. To some it is probably preaty horrorific and to others its what happens over breakfeast of 40's and free basing. Either way, its my past and I got to live with it and move on, which I'm doing.

I want to thank everyone who signed my guestbook and gave such encouraging words. And to verge, yes I do accept hugs, but carefull, I bite. I truelly apreciate all of it and am happy to see such warm support. Hell, even Uncle Booby signed my guest book. Which means either he clicked through Anenigma's diary, or he occasionally reads my diary. That or he found paying a midget by the hour to kick him in the balls repeadetly slightly less apealing then reading my diary...heh heh

Either way Uncle Booby, thank you for the sentiment dude, you rawk!! Like I need to tell you that, everyone else already does heh. The stand up comedy thing I have been contemplating for many years personally, been told by many that I should. Though being funny in front of friends in the comfort of your own home is easy, standing up on stage with a spotlight and people paying to see comedy, totally different thing. Despite all that and a lack of self confidence, a decent act, a pension for stuttering, and not a comedy club in a three hour drive from me, I'm still thinking about it. Just have to work out the act and the courage for it, which is becoming less and less of a problem. Couple questions for yeah Uncle Bob, that is if you see this. I want to know if Emo Philips was as quiet back stage as on, and if Judy Tenuta still held a pension for being loud mouthed, crotch grabbing, logie hocking, graveled voice off stage as she does on. I'm guessing not, but a good behind the scenes story is always good to hear. Plus, have you ever opened for Bob Saget. You know the guy with the Disney approved show, and the "watch guys take it to the nuts" aka America's funniest home videos. I heard he had the foulest mouth and told the dirtest stories. Just wanted to check with yeah.

Well, back to some semblance of normal. Well, whats normal for me anyway.

I'm fucking cursed, I swear. I have the wierdest bad luck and it sure as shit doesn't help my case when I try and tell people I'm normal.

To give yeah a few examples before I describe the most recent incident, here is what I'm talking about.

Example One

This one has happen to me on many occasion. I will be sitting in my chair, stacking shit on my end table, not really paying attention sometimes. Some how, maybe sub consciencely, I set it up to create this wierd domino effect. So, with a misplaced jerk of my elbow, or just plain being clumsy as I reach for something. I knock over one thing and WHAM! It slides into something else, which topples into something else, and etc. So in the end I have and ash tray tipped over on the floor, my drink spilled all over my carpeting, and shit strewn everywhere.

Not wierd enough for yeah, well lets try another one.

Example Two

One day I was cleaning up all the paper work and pencils that had spilled off my book shelf. As I am finisnig, I stand up and everything goes black. I freak out cause I can't see anything, feeling a bit like Curly from the three stooges. Then I stop, feeling like the complete dumb ass that I am. It seems as I was standing up, one of those note pads with the metal spiral binding hooked in my hair and had flopped down in front of my face. The girl sitting on my couch was laughing so hard it took her ten minutes to get the damn thing out of my hair since I couldn't do it myself.

Example Three

Spanky, who is also a semi-truck driver, took me on one of his trips one day. Well we stop by Hardy's for breakfeast, and as I'm trying to get out of the truck, I mis judge how far the step down is. SO I'm thinking my foot is a mere inches above the step, so I shit my weight back and reach out for the handle bar on the side. Well it turns out my foot was a mere several feet above it, so I came crashing down. My hand reached out for the handle bar and I completely missed it. Next thing I know, I'm laying in the Hardy's parking lot seeing nothing but the sky above me and wondering how the fuck did I get here.

Well thats enough examples of my wierdness for yeah all, there are plenty more I can't remember, or have written already *like the time I managed to set my hand on fire and nearly blow up my apartment*. All I know is, with the friends who know me well, when they are around for one of these wierd ass accidents, all they can do is laugh and say, "Only you that could happen to."

So here is my newest adventure in wierd ass bad luck. It was real late at night and I'm sitting on my computer when a loud crashing noise happens down stairs on the street. So I'm a bit freaked and pissed, probably some drunk ass down there smashing windows or something. So I stand up and take a look and nope, no drunk. It seems one of my front window screens fell out of the frame and crashed on the ground below. Now it wouldn't have been so bad IF I didn't have such wierd ass bad luck. First off, the storm window is so old that its actually glass instead of plastic. Ok, so I got a mess to clean up......

BUT wait.....theres more!

You see, a few years back in order to give downtown a more friendly beautiful look, the placed old stye iron lamps and plant trees every twenty feet. Now I'll admit, this does look preaty damn good. Especially late at night during the winter with a fresh blanket of snow, the lamps glowing in the night. Would make for one hell of a picture. Some day when I finally get a good camera I'm going to snap a shot of it and I already have the perfect spot for it.

but anyways......

Well, one of these trees is right under my front windows. A cement block is missing for the tree, and the small area is covered in wood chips. Now in this particular one, there is a all weather power out let box sticking out of it.

you see where this story is going....if not I know its freaking long but work with me here.

So, not only does the glass storm window fall out, it lands glass side right on top off the power box. So I go down stairs to see the extent of the damage. The glass is shattered and scattered everywhere. Now the glass all over the side walk and on the street wasn't bad, but like half of it was spread out all over the wood chunks. You know how freakin hard it is to try and clean up small pieces of glass from wood chips??? Well I do, its a pain in the arse!!

So there I am, five in the morning with a broom and a dust pan. Standing there cleaning this shit up with the wind blowing hard, me freezing my nuts off, and it still wet from all the freaking rain.

WHOOO HOOOO talk about a rousing good time buddy!!! Where do I sign up for some more of this shit.

So I was thinking.....

I know, kinda hard to believe, but work with me on this one.

I was thinking how many lines from the movie Jaws you can use during sex. Now just think about it, sure it aint exactly a sexy thing, but it will make you laugh your balls off.

Example One

Your boyfriend reveals to you his goods sack to you for the first time and its a bit....ahem....under developed.

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT!!

Example Two

You look around at all the mess left over from your hot monkey lovin.

THIS WAS NO BOATING ACCIDENT!!!

Example Three

You get drunk and wake up laying naked next to someone you REALLY don't want to be buck naked with let alone done then diragado with them.

*sings* Show me the way to go home.....I'm tired and I wanna go to bed......I had a little drink about an hour ago and it got right to my head....

Example Four

You are going down on your girlfriend and she is less then thrilled with your tongue acrobatics.

HOW ABOUT YOU COME DOWN HERE AND SHOVEL SOME OF THIS SHIT!!!

Example Five

When BDSM goes wrong....

YOU GET IN CAGE, CAGE GOES INTO WATER, SHARK IS IN THE WATER.

So there yeah go, Jaws the porno version.

LATER

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003