A Christmas Story

A belated one to this gal here. You know the one I'm talking about, the gal you want to dip in chocolate then slowly lick it off her while she spanks your ass and call you a bad boy.

Or is that just me....

heh, kidding.

Didn't see your guestbook entry tell just now.

So, as I stated in my last entry, I was becoming sick as a a dog just days from christmas. I was worried I spend all christmas feeling misearable as my head swims, my nose runs, and I cough tell I puke or I pass out.

I wake up christmas eve and the stuffiness is not nearly as bad as it was before, my nose isn't running anymore, and I'm not coughing ever two seconds.

Sounds good doesn't it, like maybe a bit of luck was on my side.

Oh, hell no!!!!

You see, as I was bending over to take off my pants, fondle my nuts since its a bed time ritual for me, I let out a yelp of pain befitting a catholic school girl after being told she will be in a all girls school at the ages she should be in the back seat of some random teenage boy's car being groped up. And oh, her roomate for the afirmention years will be a large gal named Berth with a pension towards latex gloves and crisco.

It felt like I just snapped my spine in half, the pain was that bad. Aparently I pinched a never in my lower back as I was bending over, and with my already existing back problems, things were not all coming up roses.

It was more like getting a box of chocolate as a president this christmas, only to find out after eating a piece of chocolate that it was all replaced with peanut filled turds.

Pain.bad.can't.breath.so.bad.

So I collapse in bed, panting cause I was in so much pain my lungs just seized up.

So I'm laying in bed, cursing often, cringes occasional from the pain and grimacing everytime I felt a need to cough, cause to cough meant sharp, intagonizing pain to break my will and spirit and tell my secrets to those dirty, comie bastards!!

So, being sick and pinching a nerve in my back is making me a wee bit delirious.

I'm not to worried, cause I'm going to sleep, sleep is rejuvinating to your body, gives it time to heal. Plus I'll be on my back for several hours and immobile, it should be fine tomorow, really it should.

I think this whole christmas spirit was fucking with my mind when I actually thought that.

The next day, I feel a need to piss so it wakes me up. So I slide down to the foot of my bed and try and stand up, only to double over to the floor in mind blowing pain, crying like a little bitch cause that is what I am when I'm in pain, a crying little bitch.

HOLY FUCK THAT HURTS!!!!

Seems not only did the pain stay, but it had gotten worse if you can believe that. So through clenched teeth, struggling steps with me bent over and leaning on anything and everything I could, holding my breath to releave a tiny bit of the pain, panting for air any time I can stop and lean heavily against something.

So, if I'm not awake when I was getting up, I'm sure as shit bright eyed and flaming bushy tailed then!

After taking what was the longest piss in the history of mankind, I seek out handfulls of aspirin with almost little mind to a glass of water, though not completely because even through all that pain, the taste of that chalky trail down my gullet was something I didn't want to add to my misery.

A half hour, the aspirin kick in and the pain is on a bareably level, still there feeling like someone stuck a metal clamp around my spine and tighten it up to near breaking point, but I could sit down and walk around occasionally without screaming out obsenities and cursing the day I was born.

So after a point I go to bed because struggling with more pain set upon me then the day I had all my wisdom teeth pulled AND the day I accidently threw a knife into my own foot PUT TOGETHER. Its exhausting I tell you.

I wake up in hopes things would be a lot better for this holiday.

Nope, not at all, I'm asking to much when I want to no longer be sick AND not in severe, piss my pants while weeping, pain.

Bent over again, weeping like I'm in prison and about to be initiated as Bubba's new prison bitch Deliverence style.

A dozen aspirin and a mouth full of water later, I'm sitting in my chair clenched teeth, panting heavily from the pain wondering who parked that fleet of elephants on my lower back.

Oh joy oh joy, what a christmas THIS will be.

Thankfully I was smart this year and had everything I needed to do for christmas already done, because the way I felt it would have never been done.

After a half hour and the aspirin has turned my pain from "Holy christ, I think I have been shot!" to "Holy shit this sucks, I can barely move."

So I try and cheer myself up right about now, cause I'm telling you I needed it real bad, and since there was no half naked woman in sexy lingirie offering me blow jobs and refills on Pepsi, I had to deal with watching A Christmas Story on TNT.

For a few years now, they have been running that movie from late Christmas eve, all the way through christmas over and over again for a solid 24 hours.

Makes you almost nostalgic for the days that every channel showed Its a Wonderfull life so many times you swear you could here him saying hello to Bedford Falls in your sleep.

Ok, maybe it DOESN'T make me nostalgic since I was about ready to go postal if I saw that movie one more time, and the only Mircale that would be on 34th street would be how are they ever going to remove that santa's helper out of Willard Scott's ass.

Ok, I know, this whole rant had not mention of Willard Scott up to tell the point of mentiong pointed eared, green coat wearing, holiday freak, toy making elfs out of his ass. I just don't like Willard Scott at all. I think its the fact he has some old people fetish, always giving a happy birthday to people old enough to have Jesus sign there year books. I personally think he started that so he can pick up chicks, cause no young woman in her right mind would have anything to do with his candy ass so he would have to hit the "older then dirt" senile ladies.

So I watch it for awhile, but seing as they have showned it enough in the past that its permanently burned into my brain, I quickly change the channel and watch The Replacements instead.

Oh yeah, talk about a must see holiday movie, a real tear jerker, pulls out the ol' heart strings.

*sniff, sniff......hhhhhhhonnnnnnnnnnnkkkkkkkk!!*

Sorry, I get all weepy eyed when I see Keanu Reeves stiff arm that defensive player to get a touchdown only to have it called back on a holding charge on his offensive line.

but anyways....

I'm thinking if this pain doesn't get better by tomorow, I'm going to go see the doctor now that I no longer need to hit an emergency room and not have my insurance cover it because one of my major arteries was not punctured and I'm painting the walls with blasts of dark red blood.

Despite the pain, I did have a great christmas, though the hand full of aspiriin a hour before did wonders to help that.

That or the bottle of Robotusin and the ten strip of acid helped distract me from the pain.

Whoa, the colors man!

So I spend this christmas with my theater, painter,drawing renaisance woman of a mother and my estranged brother.

My brother, who I have had a tedious relationship with for the past fifteen years, and the years before that a "ow, ow, that hurts, quit doing that!" kind of relationship.

Time really does help cover up old wounds as each christmas we spend together things get better and better, this being the best year to ever be.

So, earlier this year he graduated soda cum loudly or some shit like that and imediately gets a job in a accounting firm which pays him good to travel from one client to another across this country to look over there books and audit there company.

As we are waiting for the freshly ground coffee to finish perculating, we exchange gifts in the living room, my brother insisting I open his presents first, one in particular.

I open it to find a DVD of The Mummy which I have been wanting but.....uh, I don't have a DVD player.

Which I don't say I'm thinking that, but it was written all over my face aparently.

Grining from ear to ear, he pulls out a large package and hands it to me and what does it turn out to be?

No, not a food procesor!! My god, do you even listen when I'm talking anymore!?

Now pay attention.

IT'S A FUCKING DVD PLAYER!!!

Holy shit, did I never suspect this one.

So not only did he get me The Mummy with eight hours of bonus features, a DVD player, but he gets me The Mummy Returns, a hard copy of Stephen King and Peter Straub's Black House and a fifteen dollar gift certificate to my local movie rental joint.

My god, it was a good thing I was wearing adult diapers at the time cause I instantly dropped a load in my pants in complete suprise.

Add on several other books from my mother, a plethera of bathroom accessories, an assortment of new clothes to add to my tiny wardrobe, a ring with a celtic knot running all the way around it, and Incubus's Morning View CD.

In totally I'm a very happy suprised man, I'm especially happy since I seemed to give both of them gifts they really loved.

To list off I got.....

BROTHER

DVD's of: The Man with Two Brains, Jane Eyre, Amadeus, Full Metal Jacket, and some other one I can't remember the name of it but it had Anthony Hopkins in it so you know its going to be good.

MOTHER

VHS (cause little did I know she would have a DVD also): Unbreakable, Oliver Stone's JFK, and Stephen King's IT.

A set of 10 karrot gold earrings *which I didn't know they where actually gold tell I took it home and was about to wrap it up when I saw the label say it was 10K gold, imagine my suprise*

A handfull of classical music CDs I had gotten for dirt cheap prices.

A large cork board to put up above her drawing table to pin all her latest work on instead of tapping it to the walls.

All in all it was a festivous for the rest for the rest of us in my home of happy familyhood.

Several hours of intense conversations about movies, a game of Trivial Pursuit which I lost but I was only one pie away from winning, a round answering strange word problems from another game my brother owns, breakfeast then a feast of glazed ham to die for and thick, tasty pumpkin pie, we all parted ways with hugs and smiles that wasn't common ground for all of us ten years ago.

Oh, and as a added extra gift, my brother's old comp was brought up in the conversation, the one he was suppose to give me many months ago but hasn't.

Well, it turns out it has a virus that everytime he tries to start up his computer, it tells him it can't find the operating system.

So he figured it for loss, since he is even more clueless about viruses and hardware then I am and I'm freakin hopeless when it comes to that.

I tell him that I can take that computer to a shop and they will completely erase the hard drive and reinstall a new OS in it and its as good as new.

So, this week he is suppose to bring it down to me and I'm suppose to call up some computer shop and get a estimation on how much that will cost and see what some strange knocking noise the comp has when started up is and how much it will cost to fix it. He is going to pay for it all and just flat out give me his comp.

WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!

*waves bye bye to my piece of shit computer, and welcomes on a much gratefull step in technology*

He says if all else fails, he will just pay to have a new hard drive slapped into the comp and be down with it.

Oh damn, I could cry.....I swear......I could....really I could.

Ok, so I'm not crying, but I'm as giddy as a school girl I tell you.

No more five hour load up time for my OS.

No more tiny ass hard drive space.

No more bottle necking my fucking 28.8 external modem.

NO MORE ONLY ABLE TO PLAY SOLITARE AND YATZI ON MY COMPUTER!!!

I can play REAL games now.......

FUCK YEAH!

MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS ALL!!

Oh, and check this shit out, Lord of the Rings retold by Kevin Smith

Some funny fucking shit I'm telling you, nearly needed to get some duct tape to tape my balls back on after laughing them off.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003