My heart is broken...I am broken inside.

I feel so numb right now...I can't even feel myself anymore. I can not feel my heart without recoiling in pain and fear.

I loved someone....I loved her with all my heart and soul. I would have done anything and everything for her. I would breath for her, live for her, die for her.

What ever she wanted, I would be that person. What ever she needed, I would get for her.

My life means nothing to me without her. I exist for her, I feel all my self given to her, I am only happy because she loves me.

Now, I'm lost in a sea of dispear and sorrow.

Somehow, everything has lost that brilliant color it once had. Nothing is as good as it was when I had her in my heart, and she held mine in a pendant around her neck.

Oh god...I never knew the pain and sorrow the heart can bring tell this very moment.

I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I had it worked out inside. Don't get close to anyone, no one wants you, its just easier to be alone then to go out and be broken over and over and over again.

I held back....I closed up inside, I gave only what was safe for my heart. I put a solid wall around my heart and I defended off all the possibilities of things that could hurt it and I was good at it damn it.

I was so afraid to do anything to allow someone into my heart. To let them pass my defense, to see the dakrness that is in my heart and see the truth of what I am inside.

It meant some real sacrfices in my life. It meant not knowing the feel of a woman's touch. The taste of a woman's lips. The warmth of a woman's embrace. It meant I had to live vicariously through people for that kind of love, never have it for my own.

It meant being alone for the rest of my life.

Then......

I met her. I met the woman who would change me for the rest of my life. A woman so amazing in heart, mind, and soul. A woman who saw all my flaws, saw everything within me and she did something I never thought possible.......she loved me....she loved who I was, who I am, and loved me for the man I could be.

She was the light within my heart. She was the hope in a plane of sorrow I though I was destined to trapped in for the rest of my life. She was the gaurdian angel that would protect me from me.

And now.....she is no longer mine. She is no longer the woman who popped from my dreams and my fantasy's.

And now....I'm back to the destiny I always feared I was going to have.

I ask you, my readers, to please please don't ask me what happened. For I can not bring myself to think about it.

Please do not worry about me. For I will live to survive another day.

I will not end this..I'll be back shortly with a brave face and be the sarcastic smart ass I am.

Just please, be patient with me.

I will live....I always have, always will.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003