Now exploring your own body though, thats some scary shit.

Like you are casually feeling around somewhere and you feel a bump you don't remember being there in the past.

Uh oh....what the hell is that?!?!

Of course, it becomes a hell of a lot less scary if you can find a matching bump on the other side of your body.

Ah, ok, I see thats how its MEANT to be. Phew, thank you and come back and shop at phobia's-are-us any time.

I mention this because I've come to the conclusion that my body can not make up its fucking mind if it wants to be a hairy behemoth, or bare as a baby's ass.

Let me explain...

Lets start with my chest which has steadly grown hairy over the years. Now we aren't talking about Tom Selleck, Magnum P.I., oh my god some one shave him before it chokes him to death, kind of hairy chest.

Its more like I look like Sasquatch's younger, furry brother. A partialy shaved Woki, trimmed by a barber with a wicked sense of humor.

Its thick and its black, giving the illusion of being a full chest of hair. But nay I say, cause the fact is I've starred at it long to fall for that particular illusion.

I've noticed that the hair growth leans more heavily to the right side of my chest and stomach. Where as on the left side, there are areas left to be desired. For some reason, I can see it doesn't grow as far over on the left side as the right. And for some reason, there are tiny patches on the left side of bare, hairless skin.

What the fuck is up with this?? Is the left side of my chest prematurely balding??

Well I have to spend nights rubbing Rogaine into my chest to keep the patches from growing. Or am I going to have to do a comb over of hair from the right side of my chest to my left. How strange would that look.

Random Person: Did you hear about that crap about the Pledge of allegiance rec.....what the fuck is up with the hair on your chest?!?

ME: *subconsciously reaches down and tries to push the hair further over* Why, what ever do you mean?

Random Person: Your chest looks like the top of Bruce Willis's head! You don't think you are fooling anyone with that comb over shit do you. Thats just not natural.

ME: *Runs crying to the refuge of the hair club for men*

Let us not forget the dozens of crazy ass hairs sporadically sticking up off my chest. Its like they are standing up to get my attention saying...

Lookey here space monkey. We will not be ignored. We will stand here in strange angles in defiance of your need to push us down. Nothing short of water will keeps us down, fighting the good fight. Even when wet, we will dry, and we will be back up standing like strange, attention starved contorionests. Go ahead, pluck me. I will only grow back thicker, longer, and stronger. VIVA LA CRAZY ASS CHEST HAIR!!

Christ, as if it isn't enough I might need to do a comb over, now I'm gonna need to apply moose to my chest just to get my hair to obey.

Ah, but the hair madness does not end there.

Now my forearms have always been evenly, and decently hairy. Very conformist to the other hairs, falling to a uniform angle that they all confide to. Of course, there are the ocasionaly crazy ass hairs that stick up like my chest hairs. Only a lot less common, and not as crazy looking.

The problem is, these particular areas of hair are not content with just the forearms. I have watched over the years as it has committed new troops to travel north of the border to wage war against the upper arms. It has persistently been winning this battle. A uniform line working up from the elbow. You can see advanced troops sporadically working there way up. Thick, crazy ass hairs setting up base camp at stratigic spots on my upper arms, working to reach the shoulders.

The only refuge for the bare skin on my left arm, my single tattoo. Now I don't know if its because they fear the yin and yang symbol. Something a kin to humans worshing God "just in case" there is an afterlife, don't want to find yourself in the wrong place cause you fucked around. Or it could be the flames surrounding the symbol, fooling the on comming hair army into believing there is danger there.

Thank god through all this craziness with body hair, I have yet to grow any on my back. I can see a hint of peach fuzz back there, but as of yet I have not seen hide or hair *pun intended* of the thic, black, crazy hairs.

Now lets move on to facial hair. The hair that defines your manhood from a very young age. As soon as you can grow a decent beard, you have stepped in the boundries of true manhood thanks to social preasures.

I can grow a very thick, and decent beard. If you ignore the fact it creeps about a quarter of the way up my cheeks and stops dead in its tracks. I look like a crazed Amish with my long hair and my dark clothes when I let this beard grow out. Its like I was given the ability to grow a thick beard, but shaked my head a little to vigrously, causing the beard to slide down my face.

And for some strange reason, there is a gap of bare skin between my chin and a little below my lower lip. And just below my lower lip, this strange v shaped patch of ligher hair.

And let us not get into the fact my mustache grows at a exceptionally slower rate then my beard. My god, its like its trapped in stasis. I'll have a thick, dark beard gowing while my upper lip looks like I got some dirt smudged on it.

The only thing I've seen cool about my beard is one thing. I've noticed, after I let it grow long enough. That there is a small patch of blonde hair on either side of my chin. Its strange looking amongst all that dark, thick hair to see those thin, very light hairs there. Though I must say it does give me a somewhat unique, distinguised look when its in full affect. And at this point, just about anything good happening with my facial hair is better then nothing.

And lets just discuss the strange phenomenon that is my eyebrows. Now they are pretty wide, and thankfully not a unibrow. The thing is, the hair there is so fine and light that in the right light, it looks almost non existent. I have been asked if I die the the hair of my eyebrows or do pluck them. Nope, just cursed with strangely light and thin eyebrows. At least it doesn't look like I have a catepillar stuck on my forehead though.

Now for the finality of my fucked up story about my body hair. I'm going to discuss the hair growth south of the border.

And no I'm not talking about my pubic hair.

Jeez, get your minds out the gutters. Thats just wrong.

It seems at a very young age, the hair on my lower legs have proven to be a bunch of slackers in training. A few of them popped up, looked around, formed a small community and didn't bother to procrate to further its species. Which has resulted in a disturbing lack of hair on my lower legs.

If you didn't know any better, you would swear I do a half ass job of shaving my lower legs. Its quite disturbing actually, which is one of the reasons I avoid wearing shorts in public.

In comparison, my upper legs are exceptionally hair. Its like someone fucked up the blue prints to my body before I was born, accidently putting the hair folicles upside down on my legs.

Its very, very confusing to look at my legs sometimes.

Well, I'm done obsessing about my body hair. I'm gonna go and try and do something constructive like glue patches of my upper arm hair to my lower legs.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003