They get to one with Adam and Chris Farley with a spoof on beer comercials called Schmitts gay. I've seen this one a few dozen times before, but tonight something acured to me.

Now we all know the general prejudices homosexual men have to deal with on a regular basis. People not understanding there way of life, why these men choose to go against what they think is "natural".

Lets put those problems aside and look within a little explored problem for the homosexual man in the twenty first century.

Now as we all know, there is a lot of men out there who are very senstive about size issues with there penis. So what happens in a relationship where there are two penises?

Let me give you an example. Say one man is a bit on the thin and stubby side. Gets real hyper sensitive at the words "hung like a gerbil" or "oh, how cute, its like a baby's." Say he is dating a man who is very well hung. Horses come to mind.

Ok, so he has to be happy, his man could be all pornofied with a penis like that. But does he have issues with this? Does he feel like "the lesser man".

Just think of the turmoil a homosexual man with size issues has going on in his head.

He is happy his man can make him scream like someone squeezing Pavaroti's balls on a high note. On the other hand, he is probably freaking everytime his lover gets quiet when he is ridding him like a bucking bronco.

Jesus, this would be way to much for me if I was a homosexual. Thats just WAY to many conflicting issues to deal with all at the same time.

So I'm thinking, there should be some kind of reprise, a "get out of jail free card" for the not so well endowed homosexual man. Something everyone can recognize so these said men would be given a little leway, maybe not fucked with so much.

I even got an idea what this symbol should be. As it is known, the rainbow has become a symbol for the gay and lesbian organizations coutry, possibly world wide. So how about we modify it a little bit.

I say we put with the rainbow a little, bright pink, shaved gerbel frolocing through tall grass, sportin a baby chubby.

First off, people would be to distracted at how cute and funny this little image would be. How can you be angry with someone when your to busy laughing? I think not.

Next, any man with a size issue themselves would probably give said homosexuals a bit slack.

Billy Bob: Say, there is one of those gay homosexual queer guys over there.

Jo Bob Billy: Yep, dat be one of them.

Billy Bob: Hey, how about we go over there and pound the shit out of him.

Jo Bob Billy: Wait, he has one of those new fangled stickers on his car.

Billy Bob: Well would you lookey here, dat be one cute little naked gerbil sportin wood.

Jo Bob Billy: And he seems so happy runnin through dat grass.

Billy Bob: Jeez, doesn't dat mean he has a small penis or something?

Jo Bob Billy: Um, I think it does. I think we should just leave him alone, I think he has enough problems as it is.

Billy Bob: Damn, I actually feel kind of sorry for dat there gay homosexual queer guy.

Well.....it was just a thought.

Ok, I don't know if any of you took my suggestion and started watching Contest Spotlight with Denis Leary. If you haven't, your missing out on some funny ass shit.

Its on the second episode, and it seems Denis can't be found anywhere. It seems he has gone to rehab for his drinking. So pretty much the executive producer, Serpico, is in charge of shit.

So they bring in this kid who won the contest, the other producer Lenny shows him around the office. Then they take a call from Serpico who drops a bomb on the kid. We've changed your show.

His idea starts off with five friends in New York, very cliche, but it seems to work for them. Its totally improved siticom called Shoes. Now that is something new and interesting.

The thing is, it seems Denis and a few other people liked his idea and the idea of another contestants. A contestant, might I add, that Denis seemed to be geeting wood over cause she was a serious hotty. Her idea, some shit about Jesus hanging out with his friends.

So Serpico lets the kid know, the new main character of this show is Jesus. And we are calling it Jesus and gang, formely called Shoes.

This kid, who judging by interviews, came in with a lot of hopes and dreams. Only to have them squashed as just about everything about his show gets vetoed and tossed aside.

He obviously is not happy about this, but he tries and roll with the punches.

So there at a sit down meeting discussing the different celebrities they want to have play the Jesus role in the show. It would change often, who is playing jesus because after all, he is the son of freakin god, who says he has to stick with one look.

First, they give the kid a shot at mentioning a few possible celebrities to play Jesus. Every last suggestion he makes they're chewing it up and spitting it out. There is no way in hell we will get that person, thats just insane, quit wasting our time here.

Right off the bat you got to feel sorry for this kid. He obviously has absolutely no control over what happens with the show. They begin recognizing this, so they decide to throw him a bone. They'll shoot his opening scene as he wants.

So they have to get some celebrity to play jesus for this opening shot. There idea, lets ask if Peter Galagher will do it. Some are happy with this idea, but some express worry that he won't do it.

Which results in some guy running up to Lenny, the other producer/host of Contest Spotlight with Denis Leary. He thinks the possibilities of getting Peter Galagher are slim to none. So how about we get Colon Quin to do it instead. He is one of Denis's friends, his show was just cancelled recently. I'm sure he would be willing to do it.

Lenny gives him the go on contacting Colon Quin. Which ends up starting off just a seriously disastrous day on the set.

On set, they actually managed to get Peter Galagher to play the role of Jesus. Only, he absolutely hates the costume they want him to wear. I can't blame him, it looks like a retarded cowboy outfit. So he demands this director come in and explain to him his vision and why this costume is necessary.

So the kid comes in the trailer, Peter throws a bunch of hard ball questions at him, the kid stands there stumped for anything to say. He REALLY has no control over this show, even when he is given an opurtunity to have just a little bit control.

Well Serpico has a conversation with Galagher who is still refusing to wear this costume. Serpico basically tells him hey, we have crushed every other idea he has given him. We are throwing him a bone here so he doesn't feel like he has no say in this show. Galagher being a sport, he puts on the outfit, brown leather chaps and all.

As he is lounging in his chair, waiting for the scene to get started. Who should walk up expecting to be filming today?

You guessed it, Colon Quin.

It seems the guy more then offered him the job, but flat out said its yours and this is when we are shooting. Since he couldn't get a hold of him, he left this on his answering machine. Colon claims he called back to confirm, but the guy denies ever getting a message.

Then Serpico, the angeriest little bald man in America(TM), begins giving him shit. Trying to bully him around, flat out being rude and insultive. Colon is not having any of this so the two of them try seeing who's head can withstand the most punches.

Personaly, my bet would have been on Colon if the fight didn't get broken up.

Alright, its already not starting off good. Your celebrity actor hates his costume and the director can't seem to get any words out to convince him why he should wear it. Then a fight busts out with the angeriest little bald man in America(TM) and Colon Quin.

And to think, these problems are the smallest problems they end up having on set.

So the shooting is about to begin, the director wants all the actors to converge onto this stoop at the same time. One of the actors is to drive a car into the shot, get out and join "Jesus and his gang".

The thing is, this actor doesn't seem to know how to drive a car. I'm not saying he is a shitty driver, he REALLY can't drive a car. He doesn't even know which pedal is which. SO he looks over at the assistant giving him instructins and asks, "the pedal on the right is the break, right?" The assistant laughs and says right, thinking this guy MUST be joking.

Nope, he is that clueless.

So all actors are merging together on the front stoop, Peter Galagher is casually jogging across the street. Thats when the car comes flying into the shot and slams right into Galagher. He flies up onto the hood, crumples like a rag doll, then rolls off the car onto the street.

People are freaking, running up to him to check on him, screaming for a ambulance. Peter is laying there cringing in pain as everyone is standing there in shock. His leg is broken and the on sight medic worries about internal bleeding.

By now the kid has lost it, he knows this is his one and only shot to get what he wants done with the show. So he gets this idea to change it into a little picnic, right next to Peter Galagher cringing on the ground. He screams for people to grab trays of food as he snatches the blanket off Galagher who looks to be in extreme pain.

Gathering up all the actors but one, sits them on the blanket next to Peter and tries to make it look as casual as possible. Which is just not working. Peter is in so much pain his face is red and he is cringing his teeth. The actresses are crying while sitting on the blanket just unable to get it under control.

The new idea, grab the guy who was driving the car and put him on a bicycle. Have him ride up into the shot and join "Jesus and his gang."

How can you fuck up riding a bike into the shot?

Wait, you'll see.

So he gets a good distance and begins peddling up to the blanket. Thats when this guy in a red shirt flies out of nowhere, grabs him by the shirt and physically rips him right off the bike.

It seems that was his bike the guy was ridding and he was quite pissed about it. The prop people didn't have a bike, so they found one around the corner and just stole it.

Thats when they decide to call it a day. Everything and anything that can go wrong did go wrong. The kid is tears trying hard to keep his head straight.

The entire time I watching this show, I'm laughing my god damn balls off. I've never seen something so insane in my entire life.

Which leads me to believe Contest Spotlight is not actually a contest. I'm thinking its all rigged with actors and all of this was done intentionally. That they disguised it as a "contest" to freak people out with the outrageous shit that happens behind the cameras on television shows.

Hell, I recognize a lot of these people from other shit they have done. Every last one of them I can connect to Denis Leary in one way or another.

So if by the end of Contest Spotlight they announce that this wasn't really a contest, but a show disguised as one. You heard it here first folks.

Now go watch the first two episodes which I'm sure is going to rerun often on Comedy Central.

If not, you are going to be missing some seriously funny shit.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003