You know, big guy in the sky. He who watches over you. The Father of all creation. The almighty One that atheists love to hate and hate to love.

Yeah, that guy.

So, how has it been down there?

I know a lot of you are very confused at this point and have millions of questions to ask me. Just sit back and chill. I got a few things to tell you and then we�ll get to the Q&A part of this.

First off let me say sorry about not answering any of your calls for oh�.a couple millennia now. Ever since the dark ages my answering service has gone to shit. Lost messages, long periods of down time, it being several hundred more years tell someone invented things like electricity or phones.

Plus I�ve been really busy trying to keep you people from completely destroying yourselves thus ending my �great plan�. I�m sure you�ve heard about it. After all, my book is the most publicized book in the history of man. Though I�ll tell yeah, that�s the last time I use ghost writers to do that damn thing.

Burning bushes, incest, and the plague?? Sounds like a movie Charlton Hesston should star in.

Oh yeah, Charlie, see you in about a year and three months.

Now let me tell you I�m quite impressed with some of the things you have done with the gifts I�ve given you. Makes me real happy I allowed you humans to have free will. Of course then there is a large portion of you that abuse the living hell out of it.

Like the fact so many of you segregate yourselves based on the color of your skin. Look, people, I didn�t give you diversity just so you can all clutter together with the rest of your shade of skin.

Really it makes me wish I had left all of you blue skinned like I originally had you. Though I listened to Michael who was going on and on about how much blue I used on the planet already. That one day I�ll regret making everything the same color.

Yeah, good point Michael. If I did leave them like this they�d all look like a bunch of smurfs anyways. He looked at me kind of confused when I made that smurf�s reference. Then again he isn�t omnipotent and all knowing like me so really I probably should cut the guy some slack.

As your Father I say this with all the love in my heart. Knock that shit off! Really, I created you all to be the same, but diverse in personality in your own quirky ways.

Really when I developed that sense of fear it was intended to give you enough sense to run from the fifty foot dinosaur looking to eat you. Not to fear each other because someone doesn�t look like you. Thus separating each other into a who�s who of the color palette.

It is as simple as this. There where two molds made during your creation. One for the male and one for the female. And don�t listen to that �woman made from Adam�s rib� shit. That�s a direct insult to my intelligence. Make a one half of a race of people who need two of them to procreate and populate this planet. Yeah, that makes sense doesn�t it.

Ok now we move on to religions. Can you guess which one is the right one?

Nope, not that one�or that one��oh no, not that one either.

I�ll tell you a little secret. All of them are and all of them aren�t.

Oh, confusing isn�t it. Well that�s why I�m God. I know all the answers in the universe from unlocking different dimensions to what really are the seven secret herbs and spices in KFC �chicken�.

I tell ya I can really rip some shit up in a game of Trivial Pursuit.

You see once again I gave you something essentially easy and what did you do. You complicated the living hell out of it. I know, I shouldn�t of expected differently knowing how your mind�s work. Especially after losing touch with you all for so long.

So lets just clear this shit up once and for all. Yeah, I appreciate the props you people give me on a daily basis, but I got shit to do you know. Do you have any clue how time consuming it is to develop a whole new species? I�ll tell you its no walk through the park kids.

And you football players who thank me for winning your games. Fucking hell I didn�t do shit to win you that game. Let me just point out a little line in my own book to show you what I mean.

�And on the seventh day God rested.�

Yeah, that�s my day off. You don�t see me coming around to your house on your only day off of the week and asking you to win football games for me or to check to see if that hooker from last night gave me crabs.

So this is what I want you all to do with the religions of the world. Take up all your holy scripts, your religious vestments, your velvet paintings of my son. Take them and chuck them in the fire cause they are distracted you from what you really should do.

Listen, what I�m saying is just do what you would want done to you. You don�t like someone shitting on your front lawn? Yeah, me either so don�t shit on my lawn. You get my drift?

You want respect then you have to give it back. Life is a big enough hassle as is so you segregating each other on the basis of your beliefs and shunning others who dare not believe what you believe or worse yet. Believe in something that is the opposite of me.

That, my child, will get you on my shit list real fast.

I don�t care if you pay homage to me on a daily basis. Hell you don�t even have to do it at all. That�s not the point of life and being a good person. Just remember that there is a right and a wrong thing to do. Do the right thing and you�re sure to have a seat on my couch in the after life. Keep doing it wrong and I�ll send you to Lucifer�s basement apartment. Trust me, you�ll hate that. It is always cold down there and you get really shitty television reception.

Just remember I love you no matter what. Come on, you�re my children. How can I not love you all. Even you little dark clothing wearing Satan worshipers. You need to get a grip on life, but I love you none the less. By the way you guys don�t impress Lucifer any. Those antics make his whole world look like a bad Halloween party thrown by your local Southern Baptists. Makes him somewhat of a joke amongst the other angels, but he�ll get over it after he stops insisting on caring that damn pitch fork around.

Where the hell he picked up that trend up I�ll never know�..Ok, so I do know. Still doesn�t mean I like it.

Hell I even love this angry bastard here. As much as he bitches and holds up that cynical tough guy act. I know the truth and quite frankly I�m much more impressed with how he handles himself then a lot of you do.

Alright since I�m in a real �reveal the truth,� kind of mood. Let us clear up a few other myths you all cling to tightly to.

Sex

Go ahead, fuck your brains out. Fuck your neighbor, fuck your best friend, and if it trips your fancy fuck your damn dog. Do you think I made it feel that good just so you can feel guilty about it?

Look, I like a good joke like any other deity, but come on.

There are only a couple things you need to keep in mind when it comes to sex. You make a commitment with someone to be with them and them alone. Yeah, I�m goanna have a problem if you go out and fuck the first thing that moves.

Just remember love and respect is the glue that binds you all.

I don�t care if you who you want to fuck. Your sexual preference won�t matter in the end. I don�t care if you are straight, bi-sexual, lesbian, gay, hell any of the other millions of preferences. You are all my loved children and how you choose to love my other children I could give a fuck all about.

I don�t care if you want someone to spank your ass and call you a dirty girl. I don�t care if you want to get a blow job from your girl friend in the back of a theater. I don�t even care if you want to stick your privates through a hole in a curtain and have someone snack on it like pot head with the munchies.

Are you happy with what you do?

You are, well then good. Go ahead and do it. Just respect the fact not everyone wants to do what you do. And that goes for everyone, not just the �vanilla� lovers.

Now I�m going to clump a lot of things here because essentially they all full under the same category.

Drugs, food, caffeine, nicotine, etc.. All of them you can do as you wish, but the key is moderation. Some of you just need to face reality and show some damn restraint. Some of you can�t control your addictions and I very much sympathize with you. I know life can be hard, but excess isn�t good for you. I say this because I love you, but you need to get it under control before it sends you to me. And I�m not mad at you. I just wish it didn�t require some kind of sign from me to get your shit together. Until you do I�ll be there with you every step of the way. After all it is not easy doing these things alone. I�m there for you when you need the strength or a shoulder to lean on.

Hey, what are Father�s for, huh.

And one last thing I have to get off my chest cause it�s been irking me for quite a long time.

You self righteous, high and mighty know it alls who look down on others. Guess what, you are just like them, your ego is just too big to realize. You see when you finally get up here that is if I don�t send you down to the basement apartment. That shit isn�t goanna fly up here. I don�t care if it takes a lighting bolt up your ass, you are goanna drop that attitude fast.

Alright I got a loaf a bread in the oven and an Apocalypse to plan�.just kidding.

So I�m gone for now.

Just remember��I know what you are doing. So knock it off

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003