Well, it finally happened. I�m deader then Tony Danza�s career. I�m not upset about this, it was inevitable. I�m not upset that my time on Earth is done, that I was no where near accomplishing anything worthwhile in my life. Hell I�m not even upset I keeled over just before Fernando was in full operation state.

Ok, maybe I�m a little annoyed by that.

Now what really pisses me off, really crawls under my skin and leaves me with that itch that you can scratch all you want, but can never seem to get rid of it. What really irks me is how I died.

Sure, I joked all the time how the strangest shit seems to happen to me. How it is never one or two strange things at a time, but more like a couple dozen piling up on me tell I�m standing there wondering what the fuck! Little did I know that was more then a joke, or at least that�s how it seems when you find out what the means of my death where. Or it could have been the finishing evidence to close the case on �life is just one big joke,� but let�s just save the philosophical debate for another time.

Seriously I�m going to explore into this after life shit and see if I was cursed on Earth. That or the leading character in an angelic version of �Funniest Home Videos.

I mean really I could have died like this instead�

Raising the remote control up, pointing it at the viewer, he pushes a single button. The scene changes with a quick flash and a soft scratching noise into the exterior of a lavish bedroom. A four post bed the size of a small stage sits in the middle of the room adorned with silk sheets of vibrant colors. On top of the bed sits a bevy of beauties and Margaret Thatcher�click, image changes back to Chrome sitting in the chair.

Wait, Margaret Thatcher!! What the fuck is she doing in this clip?! Who the fuck has been messing around in the editing room? Loki, you rat bastard. Would someone please send for security and have Loki removed from the premises.

I�m sorry folks, slight technical difficulty, but we have it fixed now.

Click of the remote control and the scene changes back to the lavish bedroom. The bevy of beauties weeping openly over the corpse of Chrome, eyes closed, large grin permanently plastered on his face.

Woman 1 : Oh God, I think he�s dead.

Woman 2 : No, please say it isn�t so. He can�t die, what will we do for a lover now?!?

Woman 1 : I�m so lost, this just can�t be happening.

Woman 3 : He gave and he gave to us�.oh GOD did he give to us. And now he is dead. Oh the sorrow.

Woman 4 : I think this has turned me off of men for the rest of my life.

Click of the remote control and scene turns back to Chrome sitting back in his chair, quietly sipping on his drink.

See, now that would have been a really nice way to die, don�t you think? Unrealistic, oh very much so, but a much better way to die.

Maybe instead I could have died a little more heroic like. Something kind of like this�

Click of the remote control and the scene changes to just outside a burning high rise. Burning cars, Fire trucks, and people fill the streets below in a general chaotic pattern. Screams of the injured and scared bleed into a cacophony of blaring sirens and the crackle of the burning building.

Fire Fighter : Don�t be insane Chrome! The building is going to collapse at any moment.

*struggling with the Fire Fighter desperately trying to keep me from putting myself back into harm�s way yet again.

ME : I have to go back in there. They�re still people alive in there, damn it! If there is even a small chance I can save just one more person from a fiery death then good god man I will do it!

Shoving the Fire Fighter back, he runs back into the towering inferno, battling back burning debris as he desperately seeks out the last remaining survivors. Minutes later a gasp falls across the crowd as the building collapses in on itself, no Chrome to be seen anywhere.

Fire Fighter : Oh the humanity!

Bright flash, soft scratchy noise, and the image goes back to Chrome sitting back in the chair, one leg kicked over an arm.

Then six months after that I�ll be found cruising the roof tops, thwarting evil doers in my oh so trendy and body molding outfit that doesn�t translate well from colors to real life.

Yeah a little to comic bookish for reality, but some how more realistic then the last possibility.

There are so many other ways I could have died that would have been an exceptional improvement on my own demise.

You see I had what will go down as the most rememberable death in the early 21st century. And this isn�t one of those good kind of memories either. It�s more like that Wide World of Sports shows that where on during the weekend and every week you saw footage of that guy taking a terrible tumble down a snow covered slope.

That�s the kind of legacy I left behind. All conveniently preserved on digital and VHS format for future generations of parents to play for there kids and say, �Don�t me ever catch you doing a �Chrome�.�

Yep, it�s so bad they actually used my name in reference to this kind of stupidity. I had a sinking feeling that one day this would happen, but never did I suspect it would require my death for it to happen.

Ok, I�m not going to keep you in suspense over this anymore. And since explaining it takes to much time. I�ve instead compiled a series of news broadcasts, and personal home videos to show you instead.

Click of the remote control and the scene changes to a anchor woman sitting at broadcast desk, shuffling her papers as she waits for the count down to hit one and the red light to turn on.

News Broadcaster Gina Johnson : Good evening, I�m Gina Johnson and this is tonight�s headline. A twenty seven year old man found dead in a Elias Brother�s parking lot crushed by the company�s mascot �Big Boy� statue.

Click of the remote control, back to Chrome sitting in his chair, fumbling with the remote control with a slightly stupid/guilty look on his face.

Alright let me stop this right here for a second and give a little explanation. Yes, that was me they where talking about in the broadcast.

Let me just say at the time it sounded like a good idea. Then again this after someone slipped a ten strip of acid in my drink so really, my judgment wasn�t exactly up to par at the moment.

bright flash, soft scratchy sound and the scene is back to the news broadcast.

News Broadcaster Gina Johnson : Today a man was found in a Elias Brothers parking lot, a popular chain family restraint found in the Midwest. Eye witnesses say the twenty seven year old Michigan native was found climbing the restaurant�s sign to what can only be described as the most disturbing prank in the last several decades.

We now bring you live on scene with Megan Sanchez who is currently standing buy with the waitress that served the man�s dinner.

Megan Sanchez : Thank you Gina, yes we do have the waitress here who served the man his dinner before climbing the sign. Could you please best describe to us the circumstances that lead up to these events?

Waitress : Um yes, I�ll do the best I can, but I�m really shaken right now. Him and his friends came into the restaurant around seven o�clock. His friend�s looked pretty plastered, but he seemed to perfectly alright. About an hour later he leaped out of his seat, tore off his shirt, and screamed at the top of his lungs �I shall mount thee mighty symbol of consumerism!�

Next thing I know he is running out of the restaurant drenched with sweat with a fevered look on his face. By time I got outside he was already to high up the sign for everyone to stop him. Then�.oh god then�.he fell off on to the parking lot below. I don�t know if it was him squirming around up there or he purposely knocked something loose, but a little bit later the Big Boy statue came crashing down on top of him, crushing him to what I can only hope was a quick death.

Click of the remote control and the scene changes back to Chrome sitting on the chair with a slight pained and annoyed look on his face.

Fucking hell, I so didn�t scream that shit. And sweat covered with a fevered look on my face?!?

I can already see her calculating the money in her little head she will receive going on the talk show circuits with this shit. Eventually write a book about me full of inflammatory and very false information that paints me as my generation�s answer to Michael Jackson without all the sexual scandals.

From the shadows above a hard copy book falls down into Chrome�s lap. Issuing a small grunt followed by a whimpering moan. Picking the book up he reads the cover of the dust jacket. Eyes go wide, jaw drops open, indignant look on his face.

Sumabitch, she DID write a fucking book about me!

Opening up he quickly skims through the pages.

Holy shit, there IS sexual scandal in here! Trading Space�s Paige Davis, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica Alba, the 1984 Dallas Cowboy�s cheerleaders?!? Fucking hell she has me screwing everyone but a god damn priest in here!

Keeps skimming through the book.

No wait, I spoke to soon�

Raises the remote control up without looking up from the book. Click and scene changes back to the news broadcast.

News Broadcaster Gina Johnson : This just in, it seems we have actual home footage of the accident in question. We will now turn you back over to Megan Sanchez who is with the man who shot the footage.

Megan Sanchez : Thank you Gina. We have here Chuck Wilson who happened to be eating at this Elias Brothers chain restaurant. Mr. Wilson, could you please tell us what prompted you to bring your video camera with you on this particular night.

Chuck Wilson : Well ya see, me and my wife spent the day at the local air show so I brought my camera along to video tape the air balloons release. As I told my lovin wife, I�ll be damned if I live that camera in the car to be stolen. So I brought it into the restaurant with me. Got to say it was the best damned decision I have ever made.

Click of the remote control and the scene goes back to Chrome in his chair, slowly shaking his head back and forth. His brow furrowed with a look of �barely tolerating the masses� written across his face. He opens his mouth several times in attempt to say something. The words failing him, so instead he raises the remote control up and clicks it back to the news broadcast.

Megan Sanchez : Mr. Wilson could you please tell us what we are seeing as we run the footage for the audience?

Chuck Wilson : Uh, yeah sure. Ok, this is where I got the camera started up. Damn new fangled technology has to many damn buttons. Anyways as you can see here he is about half way up the post. A crowd of employees and other people from the restaurant screaming for him to climb back down.

Megan Sanchez : What�.what is he doing now?

Chuck Wilson : I�m not quite sure, he seems to be beating his chest while swatting at�.something in the air.

Click of the remote control...

Alright, I�m a bit hazy on this part, but I think I was re-enacting the famous building climbing scene from the movie King Kong. That or I was swatting at the pink elephant with purple poka dots so he wouldn�t piss on my head.

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Hell did I mention I was tripping my balls off at the time. I could have seen Sammy Davis Jr. and Frank Sinatra rise from the grave at this point and think, cool, rat pack reunion. I wasn�t what you call, �in control of my mental faculties.� If the fact I�m climbing a post to get to the giant Big Boy statue wasn�t clue enough for you already.

Click of the remote control�

Chuck Wilson : As you can see at this point he had reached the right leg of the Big Boy Statue. This is where I think he turned chicken shit and realized what he was doing. Cause you can see him there clinging onto the statue�s leg for dear life.

Megan Sanchez : *eyes go wide*Oh my God! Is he�

Chuck Wilson: Yep, he�s dry humping the statue�s leg.

Click of the remote control�

Um�.ok��I�m not really dry humping the statue�s leg. I�m�..um�.trying to reach a �um�.scratch! Yeah! I can�t let go of the statue so I was forced to grind against the statue to get rid of the itch.

Yeah�..

Sees that the audience isn�t falling for this line. Clicks the remote control back to the broadcast.

Chuck Wilson : As you can see this is where he loses his grip and plummets to the parking lot below.

Megan Sanchez : Oh my�

Chuck Wilson : Yeah, but after a few minutes he gets up and just dusts himself off. That�s when the statue fell on top of him.

The shaky camera shot shows Chrome bent over in the parking lot, dusting off some errant dust on his pant leg. A loud shrill from one of the patrons breaks the sudden silence followed by a loud crack noise. Looking up Chrome sees the statue crashing down on him faster then he can move. His final words barely audible on the video�s sound track, �Fucking figures.� Click of the remote control and back to Chrome sitting on is chair.

Fuck, I still cringe every time I watch this part. If you pause the tape in just the right spot I have this look on my face like I just crapped my pants and the smell has finally wafted up to my noise.

I didn�t really feel anything but completely stupid when it crashed down on me. Just sudden pressures on the back of my skull then complete darkness. I awoke to find myself here, in the after life.

You haven�t experienced the after life properly tell the day you wake up with the Angel of the Death kneeling over you desperately trying to not laugh at your monkey ass.

Well it�s a good thing you are here cause this just so happens to be the day of my funeral. Media coverage and all, it�s the biggest funeral since Princess Diana died. In this case it�s not something to be proud of.

Click of the remote control and the scene changes to a large, open graveyard. Dark, thick clouds fill the sky, drizzling down a constant mist of rain. A pile of dirt concealed by a piece of green turf sits next to the open grave waiting for the coffin to be lowered down. Family and friends surround the plot, all at different stages of grief as the preacher leads the last words. About twenty feet away sits a line of camera men and field reporters yelling out questions to the grieving people as they are barely held back by a police barricade.

Well, here it is. Where they bury my dumb ass in the ground with a piece of Big Boy stuck in skull. Jesus its really tough seeing how sad all my family is.

Dad, I�m sorry I was always a disappointment, no matter how much you denied.

Mom, god mom I�m so sorry for this. I know you expected so much more out of me.

Man, I didn�t even realize this many people cared about me. So many of them there, crying over me. And why, cause I thought it would be funny to climb the damn Elias Brother�s sign.

So now I officially now go down in the history books as the most retarded death known to the history of man. That�s just fucking great. I really left a mark on life, or more to the point in that parking lot. I hear there�s a permanent left butt cheek imprint in the lot that they are going to set up a memorial for me around it.

Oh hell, I got into heaven just for sympathy�s sake. That and it seems I�m the first person to give God a real good laugh since the Roman Empire.

Well that�s the end of my�.very awkward story. Now I�m going to spend the next millennium or so trying to let this one down.

I�m not exactly holding out that I will.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003