But thanks to the inspiration of one super fly lady, I have two surveys I�m going to put up here and answer. Something I hope works in two fold. One, I hope it entertains my �audience� enough to keep from contemplating and end of there life via concentrated acid high colonic. And two, I hope it stirs my �creative juices� again while hopefully something interesting in my life happens for me to blow comically out of proportion.

Don�t hold your breath on me doing something interesting in my life.

And with no further ado, I bring you the surveys.

Survey 1: Questions better left asked after a couple joints.

Question 1: List three things that you would change, if you could, about your physical appearance and why/how.

1. First thing I would change would have to be getting rid of the tail bone. Not just mine in particular, but everyone�s tail bones. You can�t see them, what�s the point of having a tail bone then. Can you convey you are happy by rapidly wiggling it back and forth? Can you raise the tail bone in the air, tensely quivering, as a means of letting everyone know without out words that it�s best to leave you alone? Nope, not at all and even if we could see the tail bone, someone would make a genre of porn based around it. And really there is enough twisted porn shit out there as it is, we don�t need to see some woman being violated by stud boy #356�s tail bone.

2. My toes. I�m suspicious they hold secret meetings at night to conspire against me. That sooner or later I�ll bend to there freakish will when I finally give into all the stubbings against random objects and ridiculous long hang nails.

3. My whole body, can I exchange my body with stud boy #356 minus the tail bone?

Question 2: Now, three things about your personality, why/how.

1. I�d tone down my ability for witty banter and comical genius. Its getting so out of hand that women are tripping over themselves because my comedy triggers some deep longing in there �loins� and makes them go crazy for my body *or is that stud boy #356�s body?* I�m like the Tom Jones of comedians, panties being wiped at my head at all hours of the day.

2. For similar reasons of number one, I�d tone down my charming personality a bit. Really, my body can�t keep up with the demands of playboy playmates, porn starlets, the female cast of Buffy the vampire slayer, and the state of Nebraska.

3. Being highly delusional.

Question 3: It's raining and chilly out, a certain special someone drops by. How do you entertain her?

A refrigerator full of Ready Whip and naked Twister. Nuff� said.

Question 4: Exactly how long do you drive around lost before you stop to ask for directions?

That depends, when exactly does hell freeze over?

Question 5: Chivalry, is it really dead? If so, why?

It�s alive and well as long as you are attractive and/or rich. Got to love America.

Question 6: Is the price of eggs worth the wear and tear on a hen's ass? Why or why not?

No it is not worth it. You would think it was obvious eating anyone�s babies for the price of less then a dollar a dozen would not only be tragic, but also disgustingly morbid. On that note enjoy your scrambled eggs, folks.

Question 7: What's the one thing you haven't done sexually that you really want to do?

Eliza Dushku.

Question 8: Random acts of kindness - a cool idea or a dorky one?

Depends, do I get head if I do it? Hand job maybe? By one get one free pizza rolls coupon possibly? Damn, try to be kind and you get screwed.

Question 9: Panties - should they be peeled down slowly, revealing what's underneath or yanked off to get to the good stuff?

Well yanked off to get to the good stuff does have its advantages, but if you are with someone you never been with before you don�t want to get any surprises blindingly quick. Say for example she has an infestation of tiny little gnats or crabs. You don�t want to yank them down and startle the little bastards into flying at your face. How freaked out would you be then?!? Or what if it turns out to be a dude�not saying this could happen mind you, but just think about it. Slowly peeling them off you get a peak at �the goods� then you can stop and go �whhhoooaaaaaa is that cock and balls I see?� Where as the quick method its really hard to hide the shock, �AH FUCK! DICK, DICK, I SEE FUCKING DICK!!!�

I�m just saying.

Question 10: In the middle of sex you realize you and your lady are being watched. What do you do?

Remember I have to pay the studio audience after the show.

Survey 2: What your monkey ass wishes happens to you.

Question You are given a gift of 1 million dollars. There are some restrictions on how you can spend some of the money, as follows:

Restriction 1: $100,000 must be donated to charity. What charities will you support?

Now this is a tough one because there are so many good charities out there and a hundred thousand dollars doesn�t stretch as well as it used to for so many of them. So the entire hundred thousand dollars I would give to homeless shelters and the like. I figure that�s where the money would be best put to use plus I believe that no one should go without the basic necessities in life like food and shelter when it can be helped.

Restriction 2: $100,000 must be given to one person that you know. To whom do you give it? What would you expect him/her to do with it? Would you put any restrictions on its use? Would it make a difference if you could make the donation anonymously?

I would give that hundred thousand dollars to my mother. First off I wouldn�t put �restrictions� on this money, but suggestions for what she should do with it. My suggestions for the money would be to buy herself a good home, something inexpensive but decent. The rest I�d say get a new car and have some fun with the rest of the money.

Restriction 3: $50,000 must be spent on a public beautification project. You can build a park, commission artwork, etc. What do you do, and where do you do it?

I would have a sculpture built that is a reminder of the effects of fear, ignorance, and the idiotic actions that can be done in the name of �a better life�. A reminder that life is precious and that we all go through it wondering the same things, fearing the inevitable death we all know will come for us one day. Then I�d place that sculpture on the site where the Twin Towers formally sat.

Restriction 4: $50,000 must be spent studying something you have not formally studied. What will you study?

I would have to say I would study photography. I�ve always been really interested in taking it up as a hobby, but its kind of expensive hobby to take up. With this money not only could I set myself up with my own dark room and all the camera equipment I would need, but I�d also be able to take classes and learn how to properly use it all. Then finally I could go out and capture some of the most amazing sites I�ve witnessed in the most unlikely of places and with all this formal studying I could give them the justice they deserve.

Restriction 5: $200,000 must be spent doing as many things as you can on your "lifetime to do list."

Always wanted to see Alaska? Take a boat trip on the Rhine? What things would you do first?

I would take a trip through Europe. Starting off at England where I would look up family from my father�s side, see if any of them are still around and alive. After sometime with a small family reunion I would then buy a car and just explore all the fabulous sites of England, take the tunnel to main land Europe and hit all the spots I�ve heard so much, but never thought I�d see. France, Italy, Spain, then heading over to Germany. With that much money to work with I�d spend at least a year there, living a few months in each country. Soaking in the culture, tasting there life, not just getting a sense of it if I was just a regular tourist there for a couple weeks.

Restriction 6: The rest of the money is yours to do with as you see fit. What would you do with it?

Well half the money would go to buy and furnishing a comfortable sized home and pre-paying all my balls for a solid year. I�d get a new car, something decent and comfortable that has a little bit of flash and a lot of reliability. I�d tuck around a hundred thousand in a bank account of emergency purposes. Then the rest of my money I would have work for me. One of the ideas I have is to build another video rental store here. Which might sound a bit ridiculous, but it�s something seriously in demand in a decent sized town with only one rental place. I figure I have enough ideas and a grasp what to bring to the town to draw in a steady flow of customers that then all I would need is an accountant and someone to run it to keep the place running professionally. That would be my stable fall back monthly cash flow. With the remainder of the money I would hire the advice of a stock analyst and invest the money.

Well that�s the end of the surveys.

Hopefully I�ll have something more to say next time as long as there isn�t a bunch of drama in my life killing anything interesting I�m doing.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003