Old Navy, to be more specific Old Navy commercials with Morgan Fairchild.

At first I didn�t mind these commercials, not because I liked them, but because they where so inanely stupid I assumed they wouldn�t catch on and at best we would see one or two of them.

Five hundred thousand commercials later and the shit won�t stop. Cutesy retro-commercials based off of old popular seventies shows that are so perky and chipper and up liftingly happy.

Makes me sick.

Before this all started, I thought Morgan Fairchild was seriously hot and time was just not going to change that fact. Now I just want to strangle the woman within an inch of her life, resuscitate her back to the land of the living, run her over with an Mac 10, and THEN maybe let her die a long miserable death after I cover her in paper clips and give her a lemon juice bath.

Can you tell how much I despise these commercials?

See its not violet video games or movies that will turn me into homicidal manic #2,432, but Old freakin Navy commercials if I see that Brady Bunch one just one more fuckin time.

Seriously who in the world are they appealing to with these commercials? Is there people sitting out there watching these commercials, bobbing there heads to the cheesy music with a big happy grin on there face who run out of there house screaming �I need me an Old Navy pull over fleece!�

Or is it how I suspect, that NO ONE likes these commercials and are only buying Old Navy crap in hopes they end the terror.

Please, I�ve bought one of everything in your store! Make the commercials stop, please for the love of all that�s good�my ears are bleeding�oh god the humanity!

Seriously they are like the Beverly Hills 90210 version of 1940�s Nazi Germany.

I can see the concentration camps now. Everyone wearing matching Old Navy Cardigan sweaters with nifty Old Navy Dockers pants, big plastic grins stapled onto our perfectly manicured *and sculpted� faces, enough gel in there hair to choke a good sized horse. Every night they would eat foods color coordinated to there outfits with little bottles of water clutched in there hands. Then television hour comes where every show stars Morgan Fairchild *hail to the new leader!*. From game shows to comedies to drama, every show would have Morgan Fairchild smiling brightly into the camera, the scripts written so that every show she is on she can pimp herself out even more for whatever is new at Old Navy.

Even the classic shows wouldn�t be saved by this unmerciless commercialism. All the old classics from The Honeymooners to the Dick Van Dyke show, from The Donna Reed show to Mr. Ed. Each show would be digitally re-mastered with clips of Morgan Fairchild singing the re-written theme song written to mention Old Navy�s sale on crew neck t-shirts for $4.99.

I�m scared shitless people and not of potential terrorist attacks, but the total global domination by Old Navy.

Be afraid people, be very afraid.

Speaking of commercialized products, I have yet to understand the fad of bottled water.

Maybe it�s just me. Maybe it�s because for my entire life I�ve lived in a state three quarters surrounded by the largest source of fresh water on the planet. Maybe because I haven�t ingested a single Starbucks brand �coffee� in my life I�ve not had my brain re-programmed to believe buying a product I can find thousands of gallons of for free all around me is a good idea.

Hell if I know, I just don�t get it.

Probably isn�t the Starbucks thing cause Weetabix sure seems to love the hell out of it and she is what I call �uber cool�.

By the way that�s my favorite foreign word of the month, uber. I have way to much fun saying that word. Case in point, I don�t even have a �favorite foreign word of the month� thing going on, but I sure as hell will start it up for the word uber.

Anyways�

Now on a more logical level I can understand why people buy bottled water. Let�s face it, city water sucks. All that chlorine in there makes it taste like you just licked clean an Olympic quality pool. In fact recently the shit I get from my tap tastes a little to much like watered down Mohawk Vodka, which has me a bit worried.

And in case you are not familiar with Mohawk Vodka, let me just try and get you familiarized with this particular brand of potato alcohol. You know what rubbing alcohol smells like, which indirectly means you know how it tastes since the sense of smell is strongly linked with the sense of taste. Now imagine that taste only add in a burning sensation as it goes down and a serious kick in your ass that will later have you spewing stir fry on your front porch that smells mysteriously like fresh water trout when you haven�t eaten a single fish product in over ten years.

Or, that could just be me.

Still no matter how nasty city water is to me, I still can�t get myself to go out and buy bottled water. I�d rather risk my health by taking a few buckets down to Lake Michigan then spending cash on a fancy label.

Of course this could have a lot to do with me being caffeine�s bitch. Or more specifically I�m Pepsi�s number one five dollar sucky sucky customer.

I�m way beyond drinking caffeinated beverages for a quick pick me up and on to drinking them to even me out. Which is a bit disturbingly to close to a documentary I watched about heroin and all the addicts talked about why they keep shooting that shit up and they all said, �not for the high anymore, but to feel normal.�

Not that I�m going to be free-basing cola any time soon cause then I wouldn�t get that lovely, glorious, sweet sweet taste that only drinking a cola beverage can give you.

Sooner or later I�ll have to cut out the caffeine from my life if I ever want to have energy not manufactured in a pretty bottle or want to live to retirement age, but for now the numbers don�t work out for me.

First off I hate city water, as I stated, and can not bring myself to buy bottle water. I�d switch to strictly fruit juices cause they are tasty and much better for you, but man do they ever cost a fortune. Let�s just look at the facts, I can get a two liter of Pepsi for around a buck versus getting a much smaller quantity of grape juice at three times the price.

When you are on a tight budget these are numbers you just can�t ignore.

Though I have found a glorious version of the nicotine patch for caffeinated beverages. Fruit drinks that are called Elements with all that new age herbal crap in and, get this, caffeine.

Caffeine in a fruit juice? Oh there must be a God because he/she has answered my fuckin prayers here.

I figure if I ever want to wean myself off an addiction to Pepsi I could just fill my fridge with the many flavors of Elements. Thus still fulfilling my caffeinated beverage needs with something I find just as tasty and considerably better for me. After a point I�ll conveniently �forget� there is caffeine in the drinks and begin buying other brands, effectively pulling away from the glorious, tasty, nectar of the gods that is Pepsi�

Hhhhmmmmmm Pepsi.

Man, this isn�t going to be easy

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003