Ok, maybe you�re a little confused on this on, don�t feel bad about it. I�ll clue you in on what I mean.

You see when I first moved into this apartment I was a little sparse on furniture. Jokingly you could say I was dedicating my life to minimalism, but the reality of it is I�m just one poor mother fucker.

Speaking of which did I ever mention to you about what I would do with my dream home? Oh, I didn�t, how bad of me. I decided that if money was no question I would have a single, large room about the size of a four bedroom apartment dedicated to minimalism. The room would be a simple idea, white painted walls and ceiling, hard wood floors, little stand in the center, and a potted plant on top of that stand and that would be it. Why would I do this? Because, in this case, I�m rich, I can do what ever the fuck I want to in my home. And yes I�m strange like that, I find that amusing.

Anyways I was talking about my lack of furniture situation.

Just a block and half away sits the Salvation Army the sanctuary of cheap goods for the depressingly poor. Seeing as I fit that bill, which is quite depressing on it�s own, that became very convenient for me. As it happened when I first moved here the Salvation Army had a matching couch and wide boy chair for sale at a very low cost. This equates to me getting my James Brown funk on in the middle of the living room.

Once again I jump off the topic of this story to bring to your attention yet another thing I haven�t mentioned before. Do ask me why I do it, I just do, but when I get real happy and excited I find myself doing an extremely poor impersonation of James Brown. This would be me trying to get my �grove� on, or as it really is �horrible dancing while trying not to trip over my own feet.� While doing this I sing what little James Brown lyrics I know in what has got to be the worst impersonation of the Godfather of Soul to ever be done.

I feel good�.nah nah nah nah nah�like I knew I should�nah nah nah nah nah nah�.I feeeeeeel good�nah nah nah�like I knew I should.

It�s not a pretty sight, but I still persist on doing it. Anyways, back to the story at hand.

It was, is, a butt ugly set of couch and wide boy chair, but it would be all mine I tell you, all mine! Only complication of this would be the fact that it�s to close to warrant finding a vehicle to pick it up, but far enough to a real pain in the ass. Keep in mind that the day I was to pick this up the temperatures where around the high nineties and so was the humidity. For Michigan that is some hot and humid shit, especially when you�re hauling around big pieces of furniture.

That day I had a grand total of one friend to help me carry this couch and chair to my place in these temperatures. This let me tell you, was such a joy to do. The only thing I could think of that would be more fun this is if I poked my eyes out with a rusty spoon, poured gasoline in the empty sockets, then lit them on fire.

So we started our day-o-fun by taking on the biggest pain of the project, hauling the couch over and up the stairs. The longest short struggle in the history of slackers world wide, we managed to get that couch down the block and just a mere few feet away from the downstairs door where we had to stop before dying of heat exhaustion. This resulted in one of the most interesting moments in my life to date. Imagine this scene if you will. A couch sitting on the downtown side walk in front of a tattoo/piercing parlor, across the street from the upper class micro brewery. And there sat my friend and I smoking cigarettes and crashing out while an extortionate amount of traffic cruised by with perplexed passengers catching a sight of us.

Yes I am quite aware I�m easily amused.

Finally we got off our asses and started hauling that couch up the stairs, which was about the time I came to �appreciate� how �interesting� the architecture of my stairwell is. See at the bottom of the stairs the ceiling is extraordinarily high, to the point you would need a seven foot ladder just to change the light bulb at the foot of the stairs. At the top, the ceiling not quite so high up. In fact I can touch the ceiling at the top of the stairs where at the bottom it would be unfathomable. This did not bode well with a seven foot couch especially with a narrow hallway and a sharp ninety degree turn you have to take at the top.

This trip started off with just the two of us moving the couch. It ended up with me, as the couch was so wedged in the door way no one needed to hold it, running to my apartment and phoning two friends to solve this quandary. It nearly took one of us going to college and getting a degree in quantum physics to figure out the math to get that damn couch through the door way. About an hour of struggling, grunting, and a lot of frustration that bad boy finally popped its way through the door. This was good because I was about two minutes away from setting it on fire and throwing it down the stairs.

Keeping this in mind, if I ever got rid of this couch, no one will want it when I�m done with it. There is no way I�m going through all that hassle to throw away that couch. That�s why, and I take great joy in this idea, I�m going to have to take a chain saw to it. I�m sure I�ll have an entry all about that in the future. So then you can throw in my face, �I knew that was a bad idea, but you insisted on taking a chainsaw to it. Now look at you, you one foot bastard!�

Yeah, save that shit for people with two feet buddy.

Now the chair, which is what this whole rambling entry is all about, was a hell of a lot easier to get here. Even though it�s a wide boy chair the idea of shuffle footing our way down the block while we both carried it didn�t appeal to me. So I just handed him the cushion, hefted the chair upside down, and place the seat of the chair on top of my head. It�s a damn good thing I have really strong neck and shoulder muscles because that chair is a serious load to carry around. I�m sure if I wasn�t built like a linebacker in those areas that chair would have snapped my neck like a twig.

As ugly as that chair and couch is, they where all mine and I wasn�t forced to park my ass on the floor staring up at my entertainment center. Plus the chair is amazingly comfortable; being a wide boy and all you got a lot of room to wiggle around on it. I was quite happy with that chair, up to about a year ago. That�s about when the chair start falling apart, seeing as it was previously owned *and I�m sure by more then one set of people.*

To cut some of this rambling down a bit I�ll cut to the chase. The chair is so bad now that I�ve had to put temporary cushions on the back of the chair so it doesn�t flail all the skin off my back. Not to mention the constant mess that is all the original cushioning of the chair managing to get all over my floor on a daily basis. I�ve completely had it with this chair, but I have nothing to substitute it with. The couch is strictly for guests since, thanks to architecture once again, the room had to be arranged in a way that half of the couch has very shitty positioning to see the TV.

I love my TV; I dare not deprive it of such hot monkey lovin on a daily basis. This is just unacceptable, so I just had to endure the shittiest chair in existence. Tell now that is. Thanks to a friend of a friend moving from a house to an apartment, they have in there basement one mint condition wide boy recliner that they want to sell to me for twenty bucks!

Twenty mother fucking dollars people! Twenty dollars and one night away and I�m getting rid of this chair that has been a pain in my ass and back, literally, for the past year!

Man you just have to love when a friend of a friend moves from one place to another of much smaller proportion and that friend�s friend is desperate to get rid of furniture they have no use of.

Yeah, something like that.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003