Fun, relaxing, nothing ever gets out of hand.

Now there is an exceptional age gap between me and my brother. Roughly seven years apart. If that kind of gap between our ages wasn�t bad enough then the straw that broke the camel�s back had to be our life back when we where kids.

The last time the two of us lived in the same home was back when I was only nine years old. My brother was in his senior year, it had been a few years after my parent�s divorce. Things between my brother and my father had always been tense and grew worse the older my brother got.

Teen anxiety mingled with a hard nosed, no bullshit father made for a horrible combination. It wasn�t so bad when our mother was around all the time; she was the �peace keeper� between the two of them. Once my parent�s just couldn�t take each other anymore and my mom knew she couldn�t support my brother and me. Things went from bad to worse to all out war.

My brother was filled with a lot of repressed rage back then and it resulted in him hurting me, a lot. To the point I became frighten for my life and terrified anytime I was alone in the house with him.

Seeing as my brother is as stubborn as my father, which is like trying to take down a brick wall with a feather, nothing got talked through. They tried, but that never worked out. Always turned into yelling matches, neither one willing to relent until they tried seeing who could shove who through the nearest wall. Because of this life was hell and my brother had to move out half way through his senior year in high school and move in with a friend.

Even though my father is one of the most stubborn men I�ve ever known, he is still a loving father. They just couldn�t live with each other any more. So it became necessary for my brother to not be there any more, but that didn�t mean our father didn�t care. He did what he could there, paying the family money to help with housing my brother. He willingly did what he could to re-establish the link between him and my brother. The two of them even tearfully *somewhat* embracing each other before my brother joined the Army straight out of high school.

It�s been more then seventeen years since this all ended. The relationship between my brother and father growing greater as the years went by and my brother became a more mature, stable man. Unfortunately that has all come crumbling down and the two of them don�t even talk to each other anymore.

For me I have long forgiven my brother for all the things he did to me when we where kids. I understand what happened back then, what was going on in his head. I never truly hated him for any of it. I was just afraid to be alone with him, but I did love him, still do. The thing is he hasn�t fully forgiven himself for all the pain he gave to me. Using me as an escape goat because I would back down, but my father wouldn�t.

Not only can he not forgive himself for all that, but the sight of me reminds him of all that pain, frustration, and anger he had back in those days. And it�s hard for him to deal with that.

Because of this I know what it feels like to be the little brother of an abusive older brother. Then later know what it feels like to be an only child.

With my brother not being around for five, six years when he was stationed in Germany. My entire father�s critiquing, nit picking, and controlling attitude was focused completely on me. It was just me and my father by that time and we had to move out of the four bedroom house I had grown up in. It didn�t make sense for two people to live in that big of a house, especially with the bills as high as they where.

The two of us then moved out of that house and into a small two bedroom apartment. When he wasn�t working he spent as much time with his girlfriend, now wife, and I was left alone a lot. This was fine by me because my life was much more peaceful then. When he was around life was just�hard. It got to the point that I would randomly break down in tears and not have a clue why I was doing that.

Out of confusion why I was doing this my father would get upset with me. Wanting to know why I was crying. The only answer I could give him was I wish him and my mother where back together again.

That was one of the biggest lies I ever told him. I didn�t want them to get back together. Even back then when I was only nine, ten years old I knew what my mother did was the right thing. The tears just came because I was really not happy and it was breaking me down. I just didn�t know that so I found the first feasible answer I could come up with to get him off my back about it.

Shit, I�ve gotten seriously off topic. I hate when I do that.

What I was trying to get to is that after those first nine years of living with each other. I and my brother hardly ever saw each other for another ten to twelve years. What little times I did see him it seemed like I didn�t even exist to him. He never really acknowledged me unless I talked directly to him. I had to start any kind of conversation and it never went anywhere because it was quite obvious he didn�t want to talk to me.

It remained like this for a very long time and I feared it would stay like this for the rest of our lives.

Things changed though and now we see each other at least twice a year all thanks to my mother.

I don�t know how it went, but from what I can guess my mother went out of her way to bond the relationship between her and my brother. My brother had realized that stupidly he had blamed a lot of things on her like the divorce and became resentful of that. He later came to see the light and now the two of them have a great relationship. He was invited to come join us on Thanksgiving then the following Christmas. Then after that we made the three of us together a regular holiday activity.

Because of this I get to see my brother, a brother that I�ve never questioned I love. I knew how he felt, basically, about me. I knew he never talked to me or even seemed to like being around me. Yet none of this truly mattered to me, he is my brother and that is that. So I didn�t hesitate to say yes to him coming to our holidays. Never brought up the past during these times demanding some kind of redemption. I never even stopped to think maybe I shouldn�t get Christmas gifts for a man whose only bond to me for him is being born of the same parents.

I loved him and I realized my love is not conditional.

All I could hope for is that if I was patient enough and waited he would come around and be the loving brother I knew he could be. Even if it took me many years I would do it.

Today our relationship is the best it has ever been, but most of that relies on our mother. And I can�t help but worry about what if one day she isn�t around anymore? As it sits with my brother and me, I�m afraid we may never see each other again. Not because I wouldn�t want to, but because he wouldn�t know what to say to me or how to react to me. The age difference, our different tastes in so many things, and the history between us might make that a hard bridge to cross.

And that worries me.

It�s bad enough I can barely talk to my father and dread doing it with a passion. To the point I didn�t call him during Thanksgiving or Christmas at all. The man is extremely frustrating to talk to, especially since I�m his son. And being his son, next to perfection isn�t quite good enough.

I fear a repeat of the relationship between my father and his sister will become the same between my brother and me. My father hasn�t even spoken to his sister in over twenty five years. In fact I wouldn�t be surprised if he didn�t have a clue if she was alive or not.

Will this be how it is?

I don�t know and for many reasons I hope I don�t have to find out the outcome of this for many, many years.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003