I remember this distinctly because my father was a smoker long before I was born and always lit his Marlboros with matches. I remember sitting in the living room of the house I was first raised in, watching TV, then hearing the distinct sound of being a match lit. I�d make sure to lean in closer to him because for some reason I couldn�t get enough of that smell. Which actually lead to confusion for me, the smell of cigarettes. I thought for years the smell of my father�s clothes was some kind of cologne. Turns out it was just the smell of cigarette smoke. To me, and I can�t explain this other then I was used to smelling it on my father, it was a manly smell to me.

Another thing I remember back then was my father had a fascination for these little chalk like candies. They where round and a very bright pink that reminded me of Pepto Bismo. I didn�t really see the appeal of these candies even though my father loved the hell out of them. Of course I would ask for a couple because well I was a kid. Being a kid and wanting candy is like being a teenager and wanting sex. In both cases every one wants it and just can�t get enough of it.

I bring these things up because they popped into my head when I was in a car on New Years Eve. I was heading out to this guy�s sisters with him. Somehow the conversation turned towards talks about running away from home as a little kid.

A thing I just did horribly. Any time the �need� arose for me to run away from home. I would hurriedly pack a suit case and begin power marching my way out of the house. I never made it more then two blocks before I started balling like a baby and missing my mommy.

Hey, I was freakin five for Christ�s sake. Give me a break here.

Once again when talks came to that period of time in my life I reminisced about the house I was first raised in. And it came to me, a clear thought of how much I loved that house. I loved it so much that I realize if a time in my life ever comes up and I can afford to have a house built to my specifications I would use what I remember of the place and try and replicate it. And I remember every nook and cranny of that place as if I was there yesterday. I�m sure also I�ll have all the dimensions of the place completely wrong since it was huge to me back then but I was several feet shorter too.

Well I wouldn�t replicate it exactly. One thing I don�t foresee a need for four bedrooms in my future. Another thing the place only had one bathroom in a two story house. Even back then I knew how much that sucked, especially if you where on the first floor and you had to go really badly.

Just the idea of hard wood floors, a cloak closest, and a formal dinning room all sounds good and that house had all that. I would just have to make a few changes to make it my exact dream home. Convert the down stairs servant�s bedroom into a half bath/laundry room. Convert one of the upstairs bedrooms into the office of my dreams. Put in a large bathroom for the master bedroom and make the walk in closet bigger.

To me this idea just feels right, to try and rebuild my childhood house. In my heart it feels like I�m giving myself a chance to truly go back home again.

That, to me, is a very comforting thought.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003