Yes my brain isn�t completely inactive despite popular belief.

One of the things I�ve been thinking about is my father. See I didn�t really understand how mad I was at him till recently. I don�t I think my brain just shut this off to protect me because it was such a shocking moment.

Let me take you back to roughly three years ago. See I was getting evicted from my apartment which is something I care not to talk about.

This came as quite a surprise to me to be evicted from my apartment. I had been there so long that it was my safe place, my home, my central life line.

Now I�m told I am not allowed to live there anymore!

Quite a surprise to me and not good for me either. See living in a small town one eviction can be really bad. Unless you�re the type that doesn�t mind living in the shittiest of apartments its best not to get evicted. Its like you have been black listed from any decent apartment.

Legally speaking no renter can ask you flat out �have you ever been evicted before� and reject you on that alone.

Realistically speaking many use that previous eviction as a reason to take a short cut from there work and throw away your application. One of these renters even had the balls to flat out break the law with me by having the very first question, have you ever been evicted before, then following it up with �I�m sorry, but you won�t get an apartment here� when I said yes.

Well because of this time was running short for me and damn fast. The apartment complex was completely inflexible about extending my eviction date so I can keep looking for a place.

So then I was forced to look for a temporary place to live. I figured what is my best choice in all this? I have too many friends who I just can�t live with for one reason or another. Either they don�t have the room or live with a parent and really that�s not happening.

Ok so what are my other choices? Oh I got one how about I contact my father. I don�t get to see him all that often. And I am getting older so spending this kind of time with him is just not going to happen. And besides I�m his son he will want to help me out especially since it seems to be only temporary.

Actually before I called him I had found a place to rent, but could not get into it seeing as the people who lived there where also being evicted.

Though let me clarify now my being evicted was for bullshit reasons. Them trashing there apartment, constant cops, a drug bust, littering the building�s roof next to them with dozens of broken booze bottles, and not paying rent was of very good reasons.

Unfortunately them leaving the apartment was not going to happen at least a month after I was to be evicted from my place. Then I�d have to wait a week after that for them to clean out the place and make sure everything is in working order.

So now I have a time line with which to work with. A very shitty time line of five weeks roughly, but still a time line none the less.

Then I make the dreaded and very embarrassing call to my father. Tell him I�ve managed to get myself evicted from my apartment. I let him know that despite this I have a placed lined up to live already, but it won�t be for another five weeks or so till it opens up. So I ask him can I come stay with you for that period of time.

I figured this I�m good for. This is my father the man has always helped me before in the past and hey this is a great way to have some good �Father/Son� time.

I get out my speech I had written and rewritten in my head a million times and practiced it just as often. Then it was followed by a long, uncomfortable silence from him which was only broken by his quiet, deep, rumbling voice.

�I�ll have to think about this.�

I just sat there and blinked in complete surprise over this, stunned from all the way to my core. You have to think about it!

What the fuck I�m your god damn Son what the fuck is there to fucking think about!?!

This is only things I thought of hours after that line he spoke to me. Up till then I was so shocked by it that I was numb.

Then after I got past the anger I thought about. Fuck he just has to ask his wife if it�s ok if I come stay! That has to be the reason why he would feed me such a line!

Phew I got nothing to worry about now�his wife god damn loves my ass like one of her own kids! She will be ecstatic to have me there hell she keeps asking �when are you going to come up to visit and stay with us?�

Hell this sounds like a good time to me!

So�I don�t hear from him for a week. This has me worried seeing as I didn�t call him till about a week and half before I was to be evicted.

Yeah I know I should have given him more of a warning, but I was god damn busy. I was running around day and night finding apartments, working out cleaning out mine for moving, looking into prices for moving vans. I was to busy to call him especially when I thought his was the guarantee while others�not so much a guarantee.

Then he calls me late at night and here is what he tells me.

No.

Uh�wha? Could you please repeat that because I think I heard it wrong.

No.

Oh�you did say what I thought you said�how...what�why?

Well see we had such a problem with you�re older brother when he came to live with us a couple of years a go.

Ok, but I�m not my god damn brother. He takes after you, but a much milder version of you that gets better over the years. A very stubborn, pig headed, and somewhat assholish kind of person. Like I said�a very mild version of you.

Me, I�m more like Mom. I�m soft hearted, over sensitive, kind to a fault, and very loving and trusting. I don�t cause problems�.I don�t create conflict�I instead try and keep the conflict from happening.

And well I�m not exactly sure if this five weeks schedule is really going to happen and if you�re not going to be here many months longer then that.

What�do you think I�m fucking lying to you! And let me ask you what is problem with that? I mean I can understand if it becomes a problem with you if I start looking like I�m setting roots there and look to be never moving, but that�s not the case. At best I might stay a bit longer because of a complication or two. We are not talking about here is a contract you got me for the rest of your god damn life!

So I�m going to have to say no on this and turn it down.

What am I fucking rent to own god damn furniture? A long distance phone company calling you to fucking switch service! Do I have the letters A fucking T fucking T printed on my god damn forehead?!?

So I tell him I have no where else to go. If I don�t come live with you then I put all my shit in a storage locker and go live under a tree. I can�t afford a hotel because if I did spend my money on a motel I wouldn�t have the money I needed to pay for the apartment and where is that going to get me.

And this is what he had to say to me after I plead that to him.

Well, kiddo, you�re just going to have to figure that out on your own.

Gee thanks DAD! Thanks for when I�m down so bad I think death is the better choice at this moment, but I�m to much of a god damn pussy to take my own god damn life and I got this whole fucking moral issue with that anyways. So that�s no fucking answer and by the way I�m out of this apartment IN THREE FUCKING DAYS! Something that I WOULDN�T have so much a problem with if you hadn�t waited a god damn week to give me your bullshit answer.

So tell me, DAD, what the fuck am I suppose to do now that my father has turned his god damn back on me�.TELL ME YOU FLACADE PIECE OF SHIT! DON�T GIVE ME THAT GOD DAMN HOLDING MY EMOTIONS IN AND BOTTLING UP BULLSHIT YOU ALWAYS GIVE ME! TELL ME AT THE VERY LEAST SORRY FOR THE ROYALY FUCKING YOU SON, BUT THAT THERE IS THE BREAKS!

That anger there I could not conjure up till just recently. I could not bring myself to be that kind of angry to someone I love, and yes I still love the asshole. As I said I�m kind to a fault and I hate hurting someone I love even if I�ve just been hurt myself.

So instead I just broke down inside and turned numb on the outside�I mumbled my way out of that conversation as quickly as I could. I just couldn�t talk to him anymore. Every word he said was like churning pieces of broken glass in my destroyed and betrayed heart.

And I was shocked�shocked beyond a level I have ever comprehend before. I could not believe my father, the man who has help raise me, love me, and made sure I know better in life. This is the same man who just without a second thought turned me away to go live on the streets.

Basically he said with that simple phone call�fuck you Son. You need help well I�m not going to give it to you. Don�t care so much this is the kind of thing that destroys a person or possibly kills them. Don�t care if this means because you have nowhere to live you just might never make it through this. I say tough love�live with it, kid.

So now�.now I just can�t talk to the man. As if it wasn�t hard enough in the first place with his stubborn, hard headed ways and nothing is good enough attitude.

But now�he�s betrayed me at a level I never thought he had it in him. And that hurts more then I can ever say to him. How does he expect me to get past this?

I tried�I did even go see him a couple of times after I bounced from one home to another begging that the apartment came open. Which it did and at just as long as I said it would�though to make matters worse I didn�t get the apartment after all.

See it seems being homeless isn�t as important as the renter�s nephew getting married straight out of high school and needing an apartment of his own to fuck his future wife for the summer before the two of them went off to separate colleges out of the state. And oh I�m not going to tell you that you�re losing this very large apartment that is more then reasonably priced till about a week before you should get it.

It�s the classic pour lemon juice in the open wound then smash the shit out of it with a hammer kind of situation.

Thankfully I found this apartment, the one I live in now, with a similar situation of people being evicted as well. Now that took an additional month of its own. So sorry pop I guess I was wrong�it was more like nine weeks instead of five.

As I said I did go visit him and his wife a couple times since then. I�ve had a few phone calls with them and all that.

But now�.I haven�t talked to him in many months. Can�t be completely sure how many months it has been. I�ve pretty much lost track of time.

And I don�t know when and if I can ever call or see him again. It�s a permanent scar across my heart and just the sound of his voice or the sight of his face will reopen that wound and I don�t think I can handle that anymore. I don�t think I can live with that kind of pain.

Yet the loyalist in me berates me on a daily basis for breaking such a connection to my father. A very special man to me because you only have one father in this life. And with his health and how he works himself so hard with two jobs despite being warned not to means he won�t be in this work for all that much longer.

I need to fix this and soon or I may never be able to fix it. One day I maybe standing over his grave and weeping openly with my heart full of sorrow and what ifs.

Can I really live with that weight hanging around my neck for the rest of my life? If it is so heavy now how is it going to feel when one day I can no longer remove that weight?

So I ask myself constantly�what am I going to do?

�what am I going to do?

�what am I going to do?

And all I�m left with is a giant void of nothing filled with no answers.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003