"Like what, in the back of a volvo?"

Mallrats

Well, since I have taken up talking about my grocery shopping *as I know how very compelling this shit is* as of late. I will finish off this little saga with what all happened to day.

I went shopping......aren't yeah glad I finally gave you some closuer on that. he he..Ok, so there is more to this story.

Well to start off, my friend who is moving to Maine wanted to take me and Spanky out to eat at the China Buffet today at lunch time. And since I have a pension of staying up tell the sun has risen and hangs heavily in the sky. Lunch time meant about three hours sleep for me today.

So to start off with the day, I wake up to STILL having shitty ass water preasure in my bathroom, so I'm forced to take a impromtu bath/hair wash in my kitchen skin which was OH so fun. So we hit the china town section of this shitty little burb *IE the only two chinesse restraunts in town across the street from each other* Now I didn't realize how many chineze people we had in this town, all adviously not that far removed from there country since the only english they managed to speak was when they talked to us fat and lazy americans heh. So me and my friends bust out to the buffet tute sweet and I run across to complications. One, for the first several hours after I awake I aint all that hungry and if I'm forced to eat something outside my comfortable enviroment in that period of time, I don't eat much. Which just throws a crimp in my plans of making every employee cry there little hearts out when they realized that they gave me all accesss to there food with no limitations on how much I can eat. And the second problem is, my taste buds got severally picky on me. I had in mind that the first time I hit this chinese buffet, I was going to try all kinds of shit I never had before. So what do my taste buds say, "Hey, I don't like any of this shit. Stick with the seaseme chicken and the crab meat ragoons. If you work with me on this, I relent on the rice and fried rolls issue". So thats all I ate, seaseme chicken, rice, fried rolls, and crab meat ragoons *the ONLY form of fish I will even let with in the proximity of my mouth let a lone eat." And it was blatantly advious my two friends where a hell of lot hungrier then me when they both got up for there second plate of food and I wasn't even half way throw my first plate. Well I finally get around to getting a second plate of the shit shortly before Spanky decides he wants a freakin third plate of this tasty shiznit. Spanky, a third plate, the skinnest of all three of us and he has eaten me right under the table....aaahhhhhhhhh that had a hidden meaning that was SO not intended. I like Spanky and all, but I'm still a little creeped and disgusted by the whole dick and balls thing..so fook that. Spanky and his god damn "gerbel on crack" metabolism. Fucker has a metabolism to make slightly plump ladies weep in envy and men who's asses jiggle a whole week after they drink a chocolate milk shake grumble in disgust. So my second plate consists of ..the same god damn thing I had on my first plate, just in different quantities of it. Less the half way throw the plate, I am more stuffed then Paul Newman in Cool Hand Luke after the 50 eggs incident. During this entire time of chinese food extravaganza, I managed to have gas RIGHT when the cutest of waitress was always within hearing range. Fucking stomack WORK WIT ME ON THIS!!! I aint looking to pretty already, so the gas sure as shit aint helping me out. And to top off this feast of glorious food and ill timed gas, Spanky managed to get instant wood over one of the waitress at the joint. Which I must admit was cute as shit, but personally he his constent starring and comments about her pig tails beinng a good for something to grip onto got a bit old real fast. So, finally we retreat outside to the hot muggy air to partake in tobbacoo goodness while letting a shit load of food settle in our stomachs. And about half way through is when my gag reflexs looked up at me and said "Hey, slap nuts... I got a package delivery coming up to you ASAP." Oh fuck no you don't, I aint ralphing up this tasty as shiznit just cause your a touchy little bitch. So the struggle insues....like a fight of good versus evil.but not as catoclismically intersting... I decide whats the best thing I can do to fight this urge. I know, move the fuck away from every living being in the world. Some reason, when people are around, my gag reflex is super charged. Like some little kid with some neat trick he just HAS to show all the grown ups. So I decide a walk around the building alone will be a good idea. Well, since the chinese buffet is actually atached to the old Kmart plaza, we are talking about a decent lenght walk here on a full stomach. So, not only did I fight off the urge to hurl all that was eaten not five minutes before, but I also counteracted the general grogginess and blah feeling that insues after a filling meal. Yeah, kill to birds with one stoner.

So now I'm ready to start my day of shopping, and convenently I didn't have far to go to get to the first store. Acutally, the only thing that seperates the china buffet from my first store on my list is a brick wall. So I get in and bust out my quick list for refrence purposes of what I need from here and how many of them. Now, like all the other stores I went to today, there ac was turned up so high, I was literally shivering my balls off after the opressive heat from outside.

Ok...maybe not literally...but there was some definet shrinkage factor going on south of the border.

Well, the friend who payed me and Spanky's way into the china buffet, decides he wants to chill with me and help me out with my shopping at this store. WHile Spanky just leaped on his kawasucki motorcycle and cruised off into never never land. Well this sotre went easy, especially since I had a friend there to help me carry my grocieries onto the public transportation and up my set of stairs. And yes public trasportation aka the bus aka Dial a Fucking RIde. I had to deal with there slow ass drivers just cause the concept of walking while carrying several circulation cutting bags and a gallon of milk roughly a little over a mile didn't sound as apealing to me as payin a buck for dial a fucking ride.

So, the store next on my list I have been shoping at since the day they opened there doors. In fact I use to shop exclusively there for years, customer loyalty and all that shit. So I hit Shop-N-Save *yes the store that if you Shop there you will most definetly N-Save* and I realzied how small and shitty that store is. My god, Meijers has spoiled me with there large selection, there kick ass sales, and there spanking shiny newer look. Si the first thing I do coming into the store is head straight to the service counter since I was desperately out of tobbaccoo and tubes back at home. And might I tell yeah, there is nothing more terrorfying then seeing a overheated irratated sweating nicotene/caffene addict who is out of both of his addictions since the night before. So I'm forced to stand behind two other ladies who work there while they bought there lunch break snacks and gab away with the woman behind the cash register. Well I successfully tune there constant gabering out while desperately not yelling MOVE YOU LAZY FUCKS...I GOT SHIT TO BUY HERE!!! Finally, the two ladies move away, but aparently they said something that just made cash register lady tickled pink, because she sat there and giggled for a solid minute before leaning on the counter and looking at me saying "so what can I do for you" then snorted with luaghter after that. Well I just chew off any bitting sarcasm boiling in me and ask her for some tobbaco and tubes. She walks over to the wall-o-smoking death and asks me several times what packets of tobacco I wanted tell I had to literally point out which ones I wanted. Then she starts grabbing a few of them at the same time managing to knock over a bunch of the packs next to it. She then looks up and snorts in laughter again as she says "oh I'm knocking over all sorts of things aren't I...snort". Well I mumble something incoherently in hopes of speedding this up so I can get my shopping done. And I nearly growl when she reaches down to grab the rest of my tobacco and knocks over the packets on the either side of it. So I have to sit there and wait patiently for her to pick all that shit up and reshelf it before she grabs the rest of my tobacco before walking back to me, but wait she forgot something.

"Um, you forgot the pack of tubes too."

Oh silly silly cash register lady, incompetence is for speds. So she walks back over and gets me a thing of tubes, miracously not knocking over everything in the process. She walks back over and I reach out to grab it and move on with my shopping, thats how they ALWAYS did it. If you have more shopping to do, then pay for it at the cash register after you got your food. But no, cash register lady pulls them away from me with a look as if I'm some evil social worker there to take her baby away, a look of experience I might ad.

"Well, you either have to pay for this now or I will hold it for you here tell your done shopping."

Well, I sure as shit was going to let special ed Betty hold my shit, so I begrudgingly pay for it there, knowing I'm going to half to haul this shit around the store in a little baggy and hope I don't get some shit about shop lifting. So the rest of my shopping there went preaty smoothly until I needed to call dial a fucking ride. And since I didn't have enough change on me to use the pay phone, its back to the service counter with my ass again. Well I get there and stand by the phone, which is a good ways away from where the cash reigister is, but it shows quite cleary that hey, I want to use the phone. Well she has one customer only and is already ringing up his shit as I was standing there. Well, I thought, this shouldn't take to long, how could she mess this up. Oh you will be amazed at her skills of complete imcomptence my friend. I can't hear the conversation over all the store noise, but I know from what I see that there was something wrong there. I think my biggest clue had to be when she walked around the counter to look at the same screen the man buying the shit was looking at. What the fuck lady, his screen says the exact same thing as yours, did you just so wanted to see it from his perspective or are you just confused on who works there and who is the customer.

grumble....grumble....grumble......FUCK!!!

So she waves someone higher up on the food chain over to hear to solve her problem for her. By time its all said and done. There is a huge line of people wanting one thing or another from her.

grumble...grumble ......grumble....DOUBLE FUCK!!!!!

Thank god she saw me before all the problems cause then she comes racing over to me to see what I want. I tell her I want to call dial a fucking ride and get the fuck out of your shitty little store tute sweet. Well, I might not have said it in those EXACT words, but I sure as hell was thinking it. Well, working under the assumption I must have to broken arms, she decides to call the ride for me. I tell her my address and she says it right back at me. I'm about ready to walk off and wate for my ride before she is even connected to the other end. Which I normally do, so I can get the fuck out of there. But so far, this lady has not imperessed me one bit with her track record, so I decide to stay. Not five seconds later she is on the phone with dial a fucking ride and she has to ask me what my address is again. What, the address I gave you ten seconds ago and five seconds ago you repeated back to me!!!!

grumble....grumble..grumble....IMCOMPETENT FUCK!!!

So finally the call is placed through, and I move on before I snap and say something truelly nasty at a high volume. She looked like a cryer and I know no matter how much I was agravated, if I made this woman cry I would feel like the worlds biggest horse's ass. So I bite my tongue and walk out.

I get home, and collapse in my chair sweating up a storm with today's muggy freaking heat. I still have one more store left on my list and......... uh oh...... shit .....slight miscalculation.

Well, I didn't realize how many good sales Meijers had that I took in mass quanties of on my list. I soon realized the shit I'm getting from there will mean more bags and heavier shit then the other two stores combine. Well fuck me all to hell!! eh, oh well...I've done it before and I will probably do it again.

Well, Meijers went preaty damn smoothly I must say. I ran into a old friend of mine and his wife and kid. We mumble some shit about this god damn heat and box fans and something about air conditioning. She, pregnant again and having health problems, was ridding in one of those little go karts they have at all the stores for people who have a tough time walking. Which part of me was glad to see her taking it easy, knowing how rough its been on her of late, especially in this heat. But another part of me was insanely jealous. I have always, since I was a little kid, wanted to cruise the store in one of those. More then likely, if I ever had a chance, they would probably take it away from me for attempting to pop a wheely or doing doughuts in the freezer section. There little munchkin ran up to me and start babbling something about pokemon or some shit like that, and I smiled at her and said something nice. Then she begin eyeing the bracelets on my wrist, and I know what she was thinking. You see, they very first time I met this kid, she ran up to me and started leaning against my legs, hooking her little fingers in my bracelt and asking me if she could have one. No no darling,you can not have one sweetheart, I'm sorry. Which in my head I'm thinking about how much shit I have gone throw with them on my wrist, theres no telling what disease might be in there. Not to mention how much weed I have smoked with them on. I swear, they have to be caked deep inside with the resen from all the smoke that some day, out of desperation, I'm going to roll one of those bad boys up and smoke it. Or maybe not...probably not.....god I hope I never get desperate like that. So finally we part ways and I finish shopping. While waiting for my ride, I look miserably out the doors, knowing I'm going to have to leave this air conditioned store out to that opressive, muggy heat. Then I look at the cart and all the shit in it. A 10lb. bag of potatoes, roughly 14lbs of hamburger, two 2 liters of pop, and about seven to eight other bags of tasty goodness. Oh shit, thats going to rough to get up the steps all at once. I don't dare leave them at the bottom of the stairs in fear of some slap nuts snagging a bag of my shit. So, I'm just going to have to muscle all that shit up the stairs all at once. While I'm sitting there, I'm slightly amused at watching people getting confused at the doors. You see, I don't know how it works everywhere else, but normally the electric doors around here. The right door is in and the left door is out, but not at Meijers. Its the other way around, so everyone steps up to the right doors then gets this preplexed look when they don't open instantly. Now I was having a preaty good chuckle at the expense of others dignity, tell she walked in.

She of the long flowing blonde hair, the wind wipping around her picturesque face and the soft pouty lips. She of the lean body and long lucious legs. She of the tastefull, but smart sleeveless pants suit. She must have been in her early thirties, but she nearly made my jaw drop to the floor. Holy shit and shinola batman! She sure could put a spring in a man's step! Well, she does whatever one else did that day. She walks up to the doors on the right, and gets that same perplexed look that everyone else gets. She looks up, at this time her hair flowing quite nicely in the air, and gets a slightly embaressed look on her face when she reads the sign NO ENTRANCE on the doors. Well she finally manages to get in where I was, and seeing me she gives me this soft smile and light little laugh.

"Its been a long day," she says to me as she gets some chicklets from the gum ball machines.

"Yeah, and a hot one too." *record scratch* wait, did I REALLY just say that lame ass come back. Oh my fucking god!!! I did say that lame ass come back!!! You fucking dolt! Why didn't you just say some other dumb as shit like "so, hot enough for yeah" or "its not the heat but the humidty thats the killer."

oh for fucks sakes.

So, I'm berating myself quite nicely in my head, desperately trying to think of something charming and witty to say. I look at her suit and it hits me, complement her clothes. Alright smooth talker, whatcha got to say about her suit. Within seconds I had the whole scene worked out in my head.

Cut to front lobby of Meijers, day time

Man sitting on bench with a cart full of groceries. Woman getting a hand full of chicklets from the gum ball machine before entering the main part of the store. As she is about ready to walk through the doors in, the man casually says to her,

"Nice pants suit by the way." Then stares intently at the doors leading outside, playing it cool and not looking at her.

The woman stops and looks at the man sitting there, a simple complement but he looks out the windows as if deep in thought and showing no signs on interst to her. Intrigued, she turns to the man and casually crosses her arms and flips her hair back. She gives him her best pout lip smile and just as casually says to him,

"Why thank you. So what makes this suit so nice in your opinion, if you don't mind me asking."

The man slowly turns his focus on to her, eyes with a burning intensity and a look of a deep thinker, stare directly into hers. She feels her throat constrict, choking off a gasp of suprise, forcing her body to not take a step back. The intensity in those eyes, so breathtaking. She feels her body tingle with the antention this loan man has turned upon her. In a quite deep voice he says,

"Well, it reveals a lot about your character. For example, the cut and design shows a good eye for fashion, but a more elegant taste. Its practical, being loose and sleeveless, but you wear it well enough that in a court room or a board room to a casual night of drinks after work. It shows you are ready for anything. Its subtle to the untrained eye, but I see it for what it is."

The man keeps his eyes locked on hers, she can feel that burning intensity in his eyes crushing the will power deep within her. But so tantalized and memorized by this man, she slowly walks to him as he stands before her. With a agresive, but still gentle grip, he pulls her tight to his body and looks longingly into her eyes. She holds her breath in anticapations. Her lisp parting slightly, eyelids dropping down hevily as she waits for what she knows deep inside will happen. The kiss.....

He leans into her slowly and they lock lips for the first time. A kiss of such passion as to rival the gods. Slowly he lowers her willing body to the ground and the make sweet passionet love. Losing themselves in the throws of lust and need for each other, tell they hold each other tightly as they fall into a quiet restfull sleep.

Fade to black

Now this is what ran through my head. And you know what really happen. She casually walks into the store as I sit there frozen, unable to mutter a single god dam word.

D'OH!!!!

Well, finally I get done with my day of shopping, and hanging with a bunch of friends before running off to take a nap. That was my day in a long drawn out *probably quite boring* entry.

Oh and one finally note. I have secured a ride to go see Jay and Silent Bob Strikes back. YESSSSS !!!!!!

LATER

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003