So I did my monthy "got to get some fucking food in my house before I am down to eatting all the condements" day. So I made my list, checked it twice, seeing how naughty I am and how nice I aint *grins* nah thats a lie. Never checked my list twice. And unfortunetly, due to a complete lack of a vehicle. I am forced to use *cringes...dun dun DDDDDDDDUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!* PUBLIC TRANSPORTATION!!! Thats right kiddies, I have to take the bus. But, a real advantage of the bus system in my town is that you call them up and they pick you up at your door and drop you off at wherever you want to go. Disadvantage, I am regulated to sitting with Senior Citzens who still remember what the civl war was like and crying screaming brats who's parents can't find the time to take out of there busy lives to take thes annoying little devils to day care. Well ok not everywhere you want to go, I want to go to Gen Con but nnnnnnnnnoooooo they keeping whining about the gas anod how far away it is and I'm tired can we stop. HELL NO.....DRIVE IF YOU VALUE YOUR LIFE!!!! Well back to the shopping story. So I am preaty good at doing the shopping and working out a list of dinners at a resonable price with preaty respectable accuracy at pricing. So I had 22 meals for the price of $119. YEAH BEAT THAT BITCHESSSSS!!!! Whoa..sorry...went over board there. And since I do all that in one day and have to use the bus. I go to three different stores so I aint carring half of Australia on my back. But being the lazy bitch that I am, I end up combining two of the stores list together. Thinking, hey, this won't be to bad. As per usual, when I take short cuts I fuck up the whole system. So there I am shopping at Meijers *yeah you heard me right, I am white trash and proud of it!* And I am under budget so I decide to go look for two choice movies to buy. Well I couldn't find Chasing Amy or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, but I did find Fight club, mobsters, and Ronin for less then 25 bucks! Yeah baby, I a rule with the price cutting. So as I am walking past the electronics department counter. Berating myself for spending money I shouldn't be spending with all the bills I have. Coming to the conclusion, what the fuck, let the bill collectors suffer for awhile. I will send them a petence of a money order and they will like it! As I am walking past, the dumb ass behind the counter says.

DUMB ASSSo did you find all that you where looking for.

ME grumble grumble grumble...no....god damn shitty store is never carrying what I am looking for. Your store sucks big donkey dick! *ok, truth is I didn't say that, but I sure as hell did think it. So here is what I REALLY said* No, was hoping to find Chasing Amy and/or Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. You guys carry either one of those. *see why I didn't want to post what I really said. Man I am such a pussy. Can't make myself be rude, because they might pistol whip me and I could live without knowing what that feels like...........again*

DUMB ASS*after a long pause with his mouth hanging open, a line of drool trickling out his mouth* Ah no huh huh, I thought we did but I realized that I saw Fear and Loathing on sale in *town really far from me i.e. further away then my "special" bus will go*

ME Well thanks shit for brains, like that REALLY is going to help me numb nuts! *once again, didn't say that but sure as hell did think it*

So there I am with more bags full of grocieries then brain cells still alive in my head *which after so many years of the green wacky tobacy isn't much but still a shit load in comparison to Tom Green* So my arms full, wrist piled on with bag after bag of the tastesest shit in the world *mexican food....oh yeah baby....hot and spices tell I am shitting fire!* And what happens. Part way up the stairs a bag with two loafs of garlic bread, a frozen pizza, and two 2 liters of Pepsi *thank you and I will expect my endorsment check to be in my mail by the end of the week*. Rips open and tumbles down the stairs. Well I proceed to cuss worse then a sailor. Cursing, bitching and ranting so much to make a truck driver stop and stare. Cursing out the GOD DAMN DUMB ASS BAGER WHO I SPECICALLY TOLD HIM TO DOUBLE BAG CAUSE THERE PIECE OF SHIT BAGS NEVER HOLD UP ON THERE OWN!!!! *stops to take a deep cleansing breath... good air in throught the mouth.....bad air out throught the nose. Wait, or is that the other way around. Maybe that is why I never seem to relax* So I trundle my ass up the stairs, drop enough food off to feed a third world nation. Then proceed to wiggle my lazy ass down the stairs *thats it... you heard me correctly. I wiggled my ass down there. Had to have some fun with this some how* Pick up all my scattered shit and haul it up the stairs. Well that makes it my second time up and down my step set of stairs. And I am a smoker so I am completely out of breath. Which is so pathetic, I got the lung capacity of a seven year old sickly girl. So now that I can't breath, whats my first thought in my head. I NEED A CIGARETTE!!! Fucked up thought huh, just when I am the most out of breath is when I want to slow it down more with another cigarette. *ok, all you people shaking your heads at that, wondering why I would do this. SHUT UP, until you get addicted to something. And I am not talking about jogging or hard work or any of that pussy shit. Come back to me when you know what a true addictions is like. Oh and stop telling me to quite smoking, cause, nobody likes a quiter* So I cram all my perishables in my fridge, with no regard to how much I need to clean my Refrigarator out. Shit I just wait until one of my friends comes over and says "hey man, can I get something to eat". Sure, check out my freezer and tell me what you find. Not kidding here, had a friend once eat a four year old burrito once and didn't know it. Well that is until I told him. Of course I waited tell he scarfed down every frost bitten chunk of it. Lets just say he was not impressed when I told him that the Museum Natural History called, they wanted the burrito for a display case they have.

So when I wake up I got to do the most vile, disgusting, degrading work known to man *and no I am not talking about checking Johny Carson Prostate* I am talking about cleaning the disaster zone I call home. Oh I how I wish I could line up everyone I know that help make this mess and stooge slap them all. So now I got dig through the cushions, behind the couch, and underneath the couch for every scrap of garbage my so called "friends" *ie ungratfull pig fuckers* decided to hide so they wouldn't have to carry there lazy ass into my kitchen and shove in my garbage can. Truth be told the can is so full that shit is spilling out. But its the gesture that counts numb nuts. You know, cleaning my apartment is very much like an archilogical dig. You never know what agent secrets you may dig up. I am just glad I didn't have to deal with finding something a close friend of mine *not naming names, but you know who you are* found underneath his coffee table. Well to explain, the night before he was drunkin preaty heavily with another friend of ours and his girlfriend. Some day later, while cleaning his own disater area, he found a half empty bag of microwave popcorn with a used condom in it *gagging noise.... trying not to hurl on my computer*. But he laughed it off some time later. Since he told such a good joke, I feel the need to plagurize his ass and put it up on my web site.

scenario: He sits down on his couch, ready to watch a movie, sees a bag of popcorn and decides to munch

"Hey, not bad popcorn. Kinda soggy and way to salty"

*bows to all of you who are now thourghly grossed out and ready to gag yourselves*

Well now that I have made you all want blow chuncks and hopefully made you laugh at my sorry ass life. I am going to bed and dream the dreams that made my friends refer to me as Mr. "Freaky Weird"

Good day to you and fuck you very much. Pardon me on that one, real tired and cranky and I NEED A CIGARETTE!!!! *cough weeeze....gasp.cough* damn hair ball.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003