Dead, Korn, Issues

So, with all my years of figuring shit out. Comming up with conclusions, hypthosis, and psychonalzing the shit out of every little thing. I have come to one simple conclusion about myself. I think I'm destined to be alone for the rest of my life. Now I know I know, stop your bitching now about me whinning about my life. Saying "Oh no chrome, there is someone out there for you. Everyone has a soul mate and one day you will find yours" Blah blah blah horseshit!!! Pardon my bitterness, but I'm preaty sure if thats true. My soul mate is some Alaskan whale blubber wholesaler. With a gap tooth grin, horse hair braids, and more hair on her face then me. Who has since her birth been runner over by a Green peace truck while crossing the street to fetch her pet ferret. As you can see, I aint all that hopefull. Now my problem is *other then the quite advious low self esteem* I don't think I have anything to offer to a woman. Now lets run down the list of things I think are what makes me so unapealling to the oposite sex.

For those of you weak of mind and heart, avert your eyes now. IN facty, come back tomorow, I might be over my kick of self depraction by then. Might be a long wait now, been on that kick for like fifteen years now.

REASON 1

Well I'm a lazy, procastinater with slob tendacies. A hate having a messy apartment, but to damn lazy and its to damn boring to do it tell I REALLY have to do it. Like when I'm washing the dishes I need for that day just before I need it, or I can't see my living room floor anymore and the smell becomes near toxic. Then I get my ass a steppin to it. Ok, adviously this is a bit of and exageration, but I use to be this bad. Just the older I get, the more intolerant of a dirty house I get. Although I still don't get the point dusting nic nacks and places people don't see. That or vacuming under furniture. Come on, its not like someone is going to see that spot. So fuck that.

REASON 2

I am one of the biggest geeks you will ever meet. I have been role playing for nearly thirteen years *ie Dungeons and Dragons, CyperPunk, Twilight 2000, etc* now and DON'T forsee ever giving it up. I love to read fiction mostly horror, suspense, fantasy, and sci fi. I am a huge movie buff, am been known to quote movies on a regular basis. I'm such a movie buff that just about any movie I see I can point out actors in it where you have seen them before. No matter how small the role they have or had, or unimportant to the plot they are or have been. Well ok I can't do that ALL the time, but I do have a high comlition rate when doing it. Oh, plus I'm that guy who can tell you if that actor REALLY is the actor your thinking of. Well usually it isn't, and I do the dumb thing of saying it isn't. Which then there rebutal is "YES IT IS!" comes, which makes me question why did they ask me in the first place. Jesus, quite wasting my not so valuable time. Of course then I have to point out all the charastics down to personality to differences in facial structure, how there eyes look and any other manersims. Which usually leads with a retort of either "Well, its him I just know it," or "Well he does REALLY look like him" *this last one makes me laugh hard at times when I personally think they look nothing like them* Now, not to sound egotistical about this, but I don't know why they bother arguing with me about this. I don't do many things real good, but this is definetly one of them. Its only on a rare occasion that I'm wrong. Which just like the rest of them I have to deny I'm wrong even though deep down inside I know I'm wrong blah blah blah. Man I hate those games, especially when I catch myself playing them.

I love watching tv, especially prime time. Hell I know whats good on tv from 8pm to 10pm every freakin night of the week, well not saturday, thats my game day *geek sign pops above my head as a flashing arrow points down at me*. From Farscape to Will and Grace, From Dark Angel to Drew Carrey. I have found a way to inestasize myself for two hours a night with action and comedy. Oh and my deepest darkest guilty pleasure I preffer not to admit, but am going to any way cause I'm fucked already so who reall cares. I love my Monday Night Wrestling *cringes as he hears the inevitable gasps fo his three readers cross the internet. Knowing the look in there eyes as there idea of my IQ drops roughly fifty points to reach some where around my shoe size*. Yes I know I know, its fake and all planned out blah blah blah. I fucking love the shit. Its a soap opera for men who like to watch other men beat the living tar out of each other. I don't know if it has something to do with my testirone begging for me to do something blatantly man like since I have a serious distaste for regular sports events. Or my deep seeded rage wanting to find release as I watch men *and woman in todays wrestling* tear each other a new one. And no it doesn't have anything to do with half naked sweaty men grappling with each other. I aint gay, I can't get past the whole nastiness of the dick and balls thing. So gay is out the window on that one. Plus come on, men are nasty disgusting smelly creatures. While woman are soft curvy sweet smelling creatures of delight. Any way you look at it I like wrestling, and there is no explaing. Although it seems to be a great way to get my friends together because sometimes my house is packed with people just dying to watch some 7' 350 pound monster jump off the top of the ropes while screaming "OLD SCHOOL!". Eh.......fuck it.... so I like watching wrestling. I bet there's a few things you do that are guilty pleasures..so don't give me any shit about mine.

REASON 3

I'm severally anti social when it comes to outside my own apartment. If I'm outside my place and am not with one of my friends, I pretty much talk when I HAVE to talk, and hate it when I do. I hate small talk with a passion, especially stupid small talk like "gee, hot enough for yeah!" or "ssssooooo how do you think our high school football team will go this year?". I swear, if I where not going to be hauled into jail everytime. I would start pimp slapping a few of these idiots and yelling "ENOUGH WITH THIS SMALL TALK PIG FUCKER!" And between you and me, I would probably be pimp slapping roughly 20 to 30 people a day. Shit, if I could get away with it, I would be pimp slapping people at random cause I don't like the look on there voice or there constant need to breath in and out ALL GOD DAMN DAY!!! Jesus.....can you believe some of these people....I mean really. I think my anti social behavior stems from social phobia, which I never been dyagnosed for, but am preaty sure I have. Until a few years out of high school, I was absolutely freaked out at the concept of going anywhere to hang out or visit. I could handle school some what cause I had to go, and I could handle going to the store and places like that. I could simply bow my head down, be quiet and try to look to busy to talk to. That and I use to walk around with a Walkman all the time, even if I wasn't listening to music I would leave my headphones on just so no one would talk to me. Probably why to this day I seem to get into music more when its either through head phones or really really loud. And when I would go out on those rare occasions, I would get this awfull feeling in the pit of my stomach which almost gauranted I would throw up some time in the near future, which I usually did. Didn't help I have a real low gag reflex, but it aint nearly as bad as it use to be. I use to be able to just think of something nasty, especially with a mouth full of food and I was gone. Well it still catches me once and awhile, but once again, not nearly as bad. And because of this, I preaty much didn't have friends in high school, but a shit load of enemies. All I remember from my high school years was my stomach acid churning constantly, the center attention when some one need to feel better about themselves, a complete lack of desire to look or even smell good, and a ever foreboding feeling of I have to get away from this. This is why everytime some one says "Man I wish I could go back to being a fucking teenager, it would fucking RAWK!!!". I have to say I would rather have demons peel off my skin while shoving bamboo shoots under my finger nails while anally rapping me with a batman action figure then to be a teenager again.

REASON 4

I am completly self conscience about my looks. As far as I am concerned, if you got Quasi Moto and the elephant man in the same room as me. The other two would be snickering while pointing at me and whispering to each other how butt ugly I am. I have been told I'm attractive looking, but I just can't get myself to believe them. I guess if your not going to climb all over me and swap bodily fluids with me after you say that, I aint going to buy it. I have a list of what I find physically unapealing about me so long, that it makes the Clinto transcripts from the whole Monica Lewensky trials look like light bathroom reading. And what do I find apealing phyically about me........ not a damn thing. I swear I wouldn't curse my worst enemy with my own looks. So not only do I look like the spawn of the creature of the black lagoon and the toxic avenger, but I know this fact to the core of me. Which just does wonders to my self esteem.

REASON 5

My prospects for the future. Lets see, I want to write books and screen plays. Take up black and white artistic photography, become a stand up comedian. And maybe learn how to play guitar and/or learn to sing and join a band. So what does this mean you ask. Well it means I'm the suffering artist type who dreams of a better future with my artistic views in print, on the big screen, or in concert halls/gallerys across the world. Which is a nice optimistic way of saying..I'M A LOSER WITH NO MONEY AND NO JOB PROSPECTS!!! So I live a meager life on what little money I get for disability for my back, and hope one day being a artistic type *I say losely, because I don't feel like a real artist type tell my art touches some one deep inside* I'll become rich enough to have no more monetary worries.

REASON 6

I desperately crave having time alone on a regular basis. I need time to be able to crawl into my head and live my life there, which is when I'm relaxed most. I need time to think and escape reality, come up with new ideas and fantasies while not having to worry about how everyone else is doing and are they bored. I need to get away from other peoples problems, other people's personalities and voices and just be alone. I get preaty snippy and pissed when I don't get a chance to do this for long period of times. When the only time I can truelly be alone is when I'm sleeping. Which just annoys me cause I need conscience time alone, not just sleeping alone. Which brings up another point I find I am undesirable to the opposite sex. I snore louder then the garbage man comes to get your trash, road construction starts tearing up the streets, and cutting down tries with old style gas powered chain saws combined! Plus I swear I am running a decatholon every night of my sleep. No matter how hard I try not to, I wake up with the sheet on my bed balled up in the corner, the pillows tossed all around and over my bed, and the strangest twists and postions my blankets are in. Not to mention if I don't slide my bed over every single day i wake up, in three days my matress is like three feet off its box spring. So I'm a violent very loud sleeper, which would be hell for anyone who slept with me. Oh and constantly wake up with a huge red spot on my forehead from sleeping with my hand proped up under my head. I seem to sleep on my stomach a lot, so I constantly prop my head up so I can breath. I'm just glad I no longer completly sleep on my arms every night. You would not know how annoying to wake up with my arms completely dead every night for years. Which also combines with the pain in the ass of being woken up multiple times to a knock on my door. Hell I remember one day waking up to my arms so dead I couldn't even feel them. And let me tell you, it is just about freaking impossible to roll over on your back when you have absolutely no arm or shoulder strength. It was a heart pounding struggle just to roll over and wait long enough to get feeling back in my arms enough to actually sit up. When I did roll over I almost freaked out and screamed like a little school girl when I felt this large, heavy, cold, and clamy object land on my chest when I got on my back. I quickly start feeling foolish when I realized it was my left arm. Thats about when I decided standing up was a bad idea, cause I just knew if I tried I would probably break one of my arms and not know it tell the feeling came back in my arms and I started whimpering like a little bi-otch.

Now, with all these reason *lacking much detail in many places, cause I just aint comfortable talking about it*, and about a million more things I find wrong with myself. I figured I'm preaty much not cut out to attract a member of the opposite sex without some wierd twisted irony to it. IE "Oh I swear, if I wasn't datting your friend *also subsituted with lesbian, married, or family* right now. You would be my first pic of his friends I would date." Or "Oh your so cute and funny, I just know some cute little thang will sweep you up in a second."

Well, so you all don't think I'm some depressing psycotic pesimist he has a tendacy to blow things out of poportion *which truelly I am, but I can't have you completly believing that.* I am going to put a list up of things that can be considered "good" about myself. *Mostly shit other people have told me they like about me or have been trying to convince me for years I am*

THE GOODY GOODY LIST

Well I was born with a strong moral code practically written in my DNA. So strong it amazed my parents at how good I was at distinguishing right from wrong at such an early age. I fully disbise racism, sexism or any other ism you can think up of. I adviously get upset when some one uses language I find degrading to certain people *ie words of hate* And get quite offened when some one tries pigeon holling a person based on race, creed, religion or sex. I may not be religious but I respect people who can believe in a higher cause or being. I personally don't need to believe in something with a higher purpose and power then me. But I say, if you do, then good for you and the more power to you. I somewhat despise organize religion since it has a tendcy for using and abusing its religion to force there own believes on others. But I also despise those who constantly insult people who are relgious just cause they think its funny. I aint to big at laughing at others belief structures.

Well I have been told I am a very nice person with a great personality and a great sense of humor. I got people telling me they feel real comfortable around me and come around quite often just to hang. Cause it I seem to create such a comfortable enviroment that no matter how borring something would be, they are still having fun for one reason or another.

I love to hold a good conversation, can sit up all night just talking about shit with another person and only stop cause we are to tired to talk. I just find conversation to be stimulating and entertaining. So I have no objection on holding long conversations or debates on several subjects with somone.

I'm a hopeless romantic at heart. I believe in making love not anonymos sex *although I do believe if you love that person, you can do a lot of the kinky wild things you would normally do while looking to get just fucked*. I believe that if I'm going to have sex with someone I better be in love with her, or have the great potential of falling in love with her. Which is why I can't get myself to pay for sex, cause the emotional bond isn't there, and it just aint going to make me happy without the emotional bond. I believe in order to make myself happy I have to make her happy first, I will bend over backwards to make her happy. I believe if you can't say yes sober then I don't want you drunk. Have turned down a quite a few woman just cause there drunk off there ass. I couldn't live with the guilt of "if she was sober, would be actually be having sex right now?" I believe in manogmy in a loving relationship, that looking is just fine but thats all I ever want to do, cause the one I love is the ONLY one I want. I love the concept of cuddling, got to be one of the GREATEST benifts in a relationship. Just snuggle up with your prospective mate, bodies intertwined with each other. Inhalling there scents, our bodie heats mixing, listening to her breathing and her heart pump blood through her whole body. I could lay there for days and be in hell everytime I had to get up to use the bathroom. Cuddling, next to the act of sex itself, is a very personal thing to share with a person. If you can lay there and cuddle with someone and relax in there touch, feel safe in there embrace. There aint much more special in life that tops that. I believe in special nights out/meals *ie going somewhere alone with her, candle light dinner the whole works* I believe in being so in love with the other person, that you find yourself being in love with the crust of the person. Knowing no matter how disgusting or ugly there actions may be, it will never stop you from loving them.

Well thats all for now as I can see it. And now that I have problem put a half dozen people asleep in front of there computers. I will end this long ass entry.

Oh one final note completely off the subject.

I changed my ICQ random chat comment about two weeks ago to

"Who's your daddy, who's your daddy! Dargo, tell him who his daddy is!"

"I'm your daddy!"

A line I found so funny I nearly fell out of my chair watching it on Farscape. Well since I have changed it to that I have gotten tons of new people on my ICQ, most of them saying "I'm your daddy" and keep trying to run with that joke. By now, this whole daddy thing is creeping me out and getting old fast. Now I admit a few of them are way to cool to put down, for instance Beks who did random find me on ICQ after I changed my comments. But she is too cool to be part of the "daddy" crowd. Plus she just found it funny, not ICQ'd me with "I'm your daddy now go to bed" har har har FUNNY!!! I think I better change that comment real soon before I go insane.

LATER

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003