Korn, Prety, Follow the Leader

Sooooooooooooooooooo I'm in a prety foul mood today, so I'm going to do what I do best......BITCH PISS AND MOAN!!! So grip your little panties tight, bend over and kiss your ass goodbye cause I got a lot on my mind.

Well, lets start off this rant with...

THINGS I AM SICK OF AND WOULD LIKE TO WHIP CHUCK OUT MY NEAREST WINDOW!!!

PROMISES MADE BUT NOT KEPT

I'm really getting sick of disapointing people with other people's shit. I'm talking about being promised something from a friend so I can do someone else a favor, then having that friend break the promise. *example* I made a promise to a few people that I would send a pic of me *for what reason they want a pic of me is beyond me.....I think its something like rubbernecking at an accident. You know there is going to be something real nasty there, but you can't help but slow down and try and get a look at it* so I find out one of my friends girlfriends brother owns a digital camera, PERFECT!!! No waiting for my film to be developed, no hunting down a scanner. Just a few snaps and load it up in my comp. Well with a lot of boring details left out, she aint going to ask to borrow the camera cause it offically is owned by there mom and there mom HATES the boyfriend *ie my friend*. So now I got to tell them all I aint going to be able to get a pic until I take some, get them developed, and hunt down a scanner. I'm already sick of people making promises and then not keeping them. When I was a kid, a lot of my family would make promises they wouldn't keep, but it didn't seem to be a big deal since I was the baby in the family, ie I'm to young to care *or matter with a few of them in my opinion*. And now that I'm older my friends do that to me. And it just pisses me off EXTRA hard when a friend breaks a promise and I got to disapoint a friend I made a promise to that I can't do anymore cause my other friend didn't FEEL like keepin his/her word. This could be one of the BIG reasons I feel so admit to try and keep my word about things. And when I have to disapoint a friend or family member because of the shit. Not only do I get angry but I feel real bad and ways heavly on my conscience. So now I'm pissed and have a heavy conscience cause some one ELSE fucked up. I'm sick of carrying around EVERYONE elses burdens. I got enough of my own problems to deal with, why they FUCK do I have deal with YOUR shit! I feel very used and abused when this happens and I have HAD IT with feeling used. I don't feel human anymore, just another patsy in the great scheme that is life. If I could go through the rest of my life dealing with only my own disapointments that I'm responsable and everyone elses. I think I would die a very shocked man with the words "WHAT THE FUCK! I ACTUALLY GOT IT MY WAY FOR ONCE!" permanetly carved in my headstone. Oh, and for clarification this is one of THOUSANDS of examples in the last year or two of this kind of shit. This subject leads me to my next rant which is.......

I AM SORRY

I have never loathed three words in the englich language MORE then these three words put together. It has become the GRADE A NUMBER ONE over used excuse of the 20th *spilling over to the 21st* century. Fuck up, fuck off, fuck it up and fuck around as much as you want as long as you say I'm sorry afterwards. It seems to be the motto of the self involved/absorbed and the "don't give shit what I do, even if it means hurting a friend/loved one/family member" people. *example* A few years back a go, a friend of mine had a couple living with him at his place. Well the relationship there is truelly to hard to explain, and truelly to fucked up to bother. Well the couple decided they wanted to go to some hockey game a couple hundred miles from here. Now mind you NEITHER one of them had a job or money..but my friend did. So he lends them his bank card to pay for the tickets and "just in case" *which is a very stupid move, and here is evidence WHY it is*. Now when they get there, the friend they went with had a some engine problems and didn't have enough money to pay for it, so they where stranded out there for the night. So the couple with my friends bank card decides to rent a room *instead of fixing the car problem....I'm as clueless about this as you are, but I have my theories why they did it* at hotel. Well I guess they decided to go on a money spending spree buying pizza and alchol and GOD KNOWS WHAT. Grand total out of his bank account, ruoughly four hundred dollars. Which was just about almost all of it in there. Not only did they spend that money, but the friend they went with. His mother gave the couple the money back on the price of the hotel because it was her car and she felt responsible for it. Now do they put that money back in then bank account to make up a little of what they spent. HELL NO THEY DON'T! They spend that too! And when they return, she comes up to my friend with tears in her eyes and her lower lip quivering. She starts balling and confessing what she said finishing off with a I AM SORRY. AND HE FUCKING DOESN'T SAY SHIT ABOUT IT!!! Hell, he felt so bad that she was feeling OH SO BAD *a fucking act if you ask me* that he amediately went out and bought her ice cream and a bunch of other junk food she loves to cheer her up. Now I admit there is SO many things that are wrong with that story other then just saying I'm sorry after that. But its a extreme example of using I am sorry as a excuse after they fucked up. Now be it lending a friend something and not getting it back cause its lost/stolen/broken. Be it a person not keeping there promise *ha ha told you there was a tie in with the other rant*. Be it getting stinking drunk and abusing your friends, or being a genreal superiour asshole. Be it some one crying in court after they been busted for some long ass crime/killing spree and only regretting it AFTER they have been caught. Be it about a million other reasons. To many people say I'm sorry after the fact and not giving a shit *or feeling like there getting away with something* what happens. And if you don't accept this apology, now your the asshole. One of my father's favorite things to say is "there are no excuses just do it", which use to *and still does when I have a VERY valid reason and he spews that shit back at me*, but the older I get the more I see the truth in that statement. I'm sorry is not your get out jail free card. It is not your quicky confessional save your soul from hell. It is not a valid excuse to do what ever the fuck you want to do as long as you can look like your remorse after the fact.

Now to move on with my next rant.

ME,MYSELF AND I

Now there is SO many asspects of me I am so sick of that I am trying desperatly to change, but lets focus in one thing here. The derection I want to lead my life. Now when I was kid I was convinced I want to become a lawyer SO bad. I don't know why I was so obsessed about becoming one, but I was dead set sure I was going to become one. Then about Junior high years and freshmen year I tacked on political scientest. Now the irony of this is I lost interest in being a lawyer/political scientest years ago, but now my brother is a accountant going for his certified public accountant's licence THEN becoming a lawyer. Then in high school, a friend of mind was just going on and on about his mechanical drafting classes, which peaked my interst. So I tried out my freshmen year on one class, to see what it was like. I simply loved it, so from then on I took some drafting class every semester of my high school year. By the end of High school I had four years of mechanical drawing, one year of architectural drawing, and one year of college prep computer aided design and drafting under my belt. Now for some reason I held off on going to college a few years. And by time I got to college I seemed to not want to do it anymore. I just didn't think I was good enough to pull it off, and wasn't sure I wanted to be doing that for the rest of my life. Now during all this I knew I loved to write. And after a point I had to wonder. Could I make a career out of this? And with in seconds of asking myself that I thought I sure as DAMN am going to try or die failing. But for one reason or another I haven't gotten a full book written out. For the longest times I just stook with short stories tell I felt I was ready to write a full book. Well sitting in front of me is my very first attempt at a full fledged book. I have worked damn hard on what I have now, but for so many reasons I put off working on it. I even put off working on short stories for the longest time, writting but rarelly. I have been working more and more on it as of late. But I don't have much fully written any more. A lot of my old short stories are lost or destroyed for one reason or the other. I got book and short story ideas in so many nope pads and sheets of paper I got to find them all and start typing up before I lose them forever. And for every story idea I have written done I have ten to twenty floating through my head and come up with new ones at the wierdest times. Now I can't quite put my finger on why I procrastinate on doing my writtings, but I think it has a lot to do with fear and my complete lack of sef worth. All my life I have heard "fear of success" which is the BIGGEST load of horse shit I ever heard. I'm afraid of failing SO BADLY its nearly paralyzing. If I never make it as a writer, could I live with my one and true dream being crushed before my very eyes? Could I live with whatching the thing I define myself by, and base my whole self worth upon being burned away and never to come true? Could I live with being a failure in my longest love? So deep down inside a part of me whispers "just hold off the writting...you know your good. Why let them kill off your dream. If you keep it to yourself then you can live with the illusion your a writer for the rest of your life. And no one can shatter that dream if you never really try." On top of this I seem to be my own worst critic. I can't help but see EVERY single little flaw in everything I write. If I write a paragraph, I have to re-edit it about 20 times and still not be happy with how it turns out. I'm not satisfied with my work unless it can flow right. A concept I find hard to explain, but I will try my best. Have you ever read a book you have been so into that you get lost in the world which your reading. So lost in it that all outside inteferences disapear, and your some incorpreal being watching over the characters in the book. Now have you ever had that then hit a sentence that didn't quite make sense to you and get jolted out of being the watcher back into who you are. THAT is what flow is...keeping you lost in the story so much you can't help to read on and when its done, to feel a heavy lose for it being the end. And if I see those spots in my writing that jolt you out of the fantasy I am SO Not happy tell I can get it to flow. Which sometimes it seems it never flows how I want to which becomes very discouraging. That is the big reason why I haven't been working on my book in nearly six month's. There is so many jolts in it I'm convinced its nothing but a piece of shit. But I'm still deeply in love with the whole story idea. And I have found I'm feeling a bit incomplete for not finishing the story. So I'm starting to get back into wanting to write it again, but not ready yet cuase I know if I cracked that folder right now. I'm just going to get so pissed at how bad I think it looks. So I'm fighting my personal demons and trying to work longer and harder on my writting. Which I have thank diaryland.com partially for, because writting here as helped me work out a few demons.

Now this next rant about me is very personal and a bit hard to talk about but here goes.....

I'm so sick of being alone in my life. When I was in junior high/high school ages. I was a serious outsider *which I think I have mentioned before in here*. Now because of this, and how bad it was I didn't really try very hard at the dating thing. I just didn't think I was worthy of any woman out there, and was scared shitless of rejection. These years in my life seemed to kill a piece of me inside that wants to sick out a companion, a lover, a soul mate. And to this day that part of me still very dead inside of me, but not the desires for to find one. I'm hoplessly in love with the concept of being in love, but I can't accept loving myself enough to forsee someone else loving me. I was never intersted in a fuck buddy or one night stands, even when I was a teenager. I was never interested in just a fling, or a on off thing. I have always been interseted in unadulterated grade a fresh from the kitchen long love story. But my years upon years of being rejected by everyone else, including me. Had left me feeling Asexual *one who doesn't seek sexual desires* with hetrosexual tendecies. Now I'm afraid since I never really tried out datting and such. That not only have I missed out on SO many experiences. But now I'm truelly afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. The dead parts of me inside are trying to force the rest of me to just accept being alone for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that in a way, that just might be true. So I find myself getting depressed more and more often when I am reminded of this. When I see two people truelly in love, being able to share each other. To be able to no longer have to struggle alone in this world anymore. To have someone there to understand you, to accept you and love you no matter what. I feel my heart get crushed inside at the sight of it.....makes me nearly want to...ok I will admit it....cry ....ok I said it. I feel like I'm not complete without finally being in love and being loved back with the same intensity I can feel within me. I feel so alien that I haven't ever come close to this in my life. I have loved in the past but have always been rejected and watched my heart crushed under the weight of the rejection. And I know the friends who are closest to me, who can see how I feel inside about this, the need the pain. I think there very sad for me and a bit afraid of what it will do to me. I can see the light shine in there eyes when I show the least bit of interst at trying to find someone, hell even flirt with a woman. Which is one of the few lights that shine on the darkness deep inside me. To know I have friends who can see that and are TRUELLY happy that I am willing to try and would be TRUELLY estatic if I ever did find that one. It makes me realize that when some one loves you unconditionally like that. It makes you feel like you can do anything, be anything. That I no longer have to live within the sheltered cocoon I have belt my entire life. It makes me feel human.

Well I'm done pissing and moaning for today.....

will try and be funnier in the next few entries.... I promise.

LATER

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003