Will&Grace

Do I ever lead a boring ass life.

Really, I'm serious about this, I'm starting to wonder why the two or three of you readers even bother coming to read this shit. I think I'm just good and over blowing small situations and talking out of my ass on many ocasion.

Which I'll tell yeah, talking out your ass is a very handy party trick. The chics just dig a man who's ass holds up its end of the conversation, especially when it starts doing impersonations.

My ass can do a uncanny impersonation of Sean Connery, so well you will start wondering when did Sean get that crack down the middle of his face.

So as I was saying, before I started talking about my ass....

So what the hell do I talk about anyways?

hhhhhmmmmmmmmmm lets see.....

I DID A LONG ASS ENTRY ABOUT GROCERY SHOPPING!!!

Holy edible jesus on a stick, have I gotten this lame!!

We're not talking about starting off real cool and slowly turning more and more lame as I get older....no, no that wouldn't be nearly as sad.

We're talking about I started at the bottom of the lame barrel and thought "gee, what would it be like to not only be underneath the barrel, but to start digging me a little Viet Cong style cave network down there!"

Ok, lets see what ELSE I have talked about....

Well, I got garbage juice all over my hand that stank worse then acid farts after a meal of chimchanga's and a barrel of hot sauce! And what did I do.........nope I don't clean it off....that wouldn't be nearly as fun as stink palming as many people as I could find.

Oh, I have also gone on a multi-entry bitch feast of the theater in my town!

God damn all I did was whine about that, and I so fucking hate when I whine, it angers me beyond belief. Which is SUCH a vicious circle. I whine so I get angry, then I whine about whats pissing me off, so I'm even more pissed cause I can't stop the whining shit!

Soon, I'm sitting there all red faced, quivering in outrage, while spluttering incoherently.

Which, oddly enough, is a similiar state I get in after watching a Tom Green show. Just change "whine" for "stupid pig fucker" and its nearly perfect.

I would bet good money Freud would have a field day with me! Though if that fucker even suggests anything sexual with my mother, I won't hesistate to repeadetly kick him in then nads tell the rise up through his throat and end up dangling off his lower lip!

Oh, as a point of interest, by a show of hands, how many of you know that Freud's orginal theories he had it all correct?

Yeah, you see, his grants to write his first book where all given to him by upper middle class white males, the same men who where sending there daughters to him to have analyzed for his book.

In Freud's first book, he stated that the repressions/anxieties/disorders of these young women, all stemmed from physical and sexual abuse by there afluentual fathers.

All the fathers then came to him saying, "Oh no, we can't have you writing this shit. You can't be writing books about how we abuse our daughters and fuck them after we gave you the money to write it! So change it brainiac, before we yank all your grants out from under you, and you will never practice again."

So, Freud being the candy ass he is, wrote his next book about how all these problems the young women developed, stem from a desperate, sexual needs they have for there father.

Thats right, Freud was upper middle class male's bitch.

Well, enough with the psych 101, back to the topic at hand.

So instead of havng a receding hair line, I have instead a receding coolness factor.

Which really sucks, cause my coolness was in serious quiestion in the first place.

This is kind of like telling a man with thining hair by Junior High, that he will be bald before he graduates high school.

Which, I actually did go to a guy in high school with that exact problem. How shitty is that!!! Bald by the age of eighteen!! Does that mean he will have a mid-life crisis before he reaches the legal drinking age?

So, to boost my tiny, insignifigant ego, I decided to write up a list of what things I'm cooler then.

*Ok, I didn't REALLY write up a list before hand, I'm winging it right now, but work with me on this one*

1. Hot, wet garbage.

2. Paul "Pee Wee Herman" Reuben BEFORE the arrest of spanking his hand puppet at a "slap and splurge where is that hanky" theater.

Lose to him in coolness after being a weed selling hair stylest in Blow.

3. Depends diapers for old fuckers.

4. The old fuckers wearing the Depends and crapping there pants while talking to you.

Ok thats not fair of me, cause that is actually preaty cool. Imagine being in a conversation you REALLY don't want to be in. Just scrunch up your face a bit, grunt and strain a bit and say, "Oh do I ever love these Depends diapers, makes it so much easier to not have to clean the shit out of my underoos."

Oh, or if you are at a theater seeing a movie you been dying to see, and oops, drank to much of that god damn foutain pop.........but wait! I'm wearing a diaper! Oh sweet release........AND I can keep on watching the movie.

Oh what about driving long distance while wearing one of those bad boys!

Damn, I got to shit a brick the size of the statue of liberty! Haha, I don't have to worry cause my ass is swaved in cushioned, butt hugging plastic with absorbing layers!

And talk about a way of turning road rage completely around! Can't stand the fucker ahead of you speeding up real fast to get to that red light JUST so he can wait any longer?

Take off your shit filled diaper and toss it at them! Then you can watch with mirth as said asshole loses control of his car, goes flying off the nearest turn style and crashes in a fiery ball of "cooked like a bratwurst" death!

Live in a rough neighborhood, and are always getting molested by low riding gremlins full of head band swaved gang bangers flashing gang symbols at you?

Well,start your morning off with a bowl full of super laxative "Holy shit, my ass is a lethal weapon now" bran flakes. Fill that diaper up tell its nearly squishing out the top, then whip chuck it right in there car.

I'll tell you, its REAL hard to look cool when you are covered in runny shit and your car smells like some one crapped a pre-digested Wheaties factory in your car.

Well fuck me with a piece of french toast covered in jam! Depends diapers ARE cooler then me!

Damn, they are even cooler then Uncle Booby! I mean come on, can you take Uncle Booby to a party and crap on him to end a shitty conversation? Well, you COULD do that, but I think Booby wouldn't really apreciate the joke to well.

Ok, so that elimanates 3 and 4 of my list.

And...............................

I'm out of things I'm cooler then.........damn....

At this rate I'll be wearing plad shorts, knee high black socks and sandles. If I do, one of you please shoot me right in my noggin and put me out of my misery.

*as a side note, cause the memory just came flying into my head. A few years back, I had a bunch of fucking gang banging wannabes in my apartment. I was severly pissed at the female friend who brought them over, but I stayed cool about it tell I could boot there candy asses out of my place. About an hour later, they all start waving there gang symbols around, talking trash ebonics style, which mind you, these where all white trash rednecks here. So I decide this is enough, so I look at them all with the best dead pan look I can give them, and I slowly do the Village People style YMCA hand gestures. I think they all apreciated my little joke......well I did anyways.*

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003