Kill you before you kill each other."

D.R.I. remake by Slayer, Violent Pacification

Well, I had a preaty god damn good thanksgiving. Spent it with my mother and brother, doing our regular thing of dinner and playing trivial pursuit. Of course, I got my ass kicked cause it seemed I could only answer THERE quiestions right, but mine I had not a clue.

Woke up at eight in the morning, and for many of you that aint a big deal to be up that early, hell for some of you thats sleeping in. For me...yeesh..I'm only UP that late, I hate waking up that early in the morning. To me there is something inheriently wrong with being up that early, just something about that time of day that bites me right in the ass.

So I'm sitting there, drinking my coffee and feeling like I left my brain somewhere at the foot of my bed, I decide to turn on some of the parades. I don't know what compeled me to do that....oh wait I know why, my mother was there and she actually likes them. I nearly went blind when the first thing I see is few dozen people in a multitude of superourly bright sweaters.

ACK...SHINY!

That shit was so bright, it could make a blind man cringe. So I'm spluttering on my coffee, cornea burned out, when they start doing the little song and dance numbers, all of them lip sinked and badly too.

Holy flying fuck I could feel my brain melting as I watched, I was going into overly sweet and cheesy shock. I couldn't take it anymore, so any chance I got, I flipped through the damn channels for SOMETHING less permanently damaging to my sanity. Of course I had to constantly flip the channel back to the parades, and not for some perverse pleasure like rubber necking at a car accident.

It was more like to apease my 5'2" mother before she kicked my ass.

I'm almost a foot taller then her, I definetly out weigh her and am a lot stronger then her, and there I am cringing every time she sees I changed the channel.

She loves her god damn parades, I'm telling you.

heh heh

anyways...

Wrap up on the thanksgiving day as quick as possible.

Holy shit its early!!

Holy shit thats some bright sweaters!!

Holy shit my mother is going to shove her tiny foot up my ass if I change the channel.

Holy shit I'm getting my ass kicked in this game!

Holy shit I need a nap!

Check this little gadget out, a freakin a hand crank for a cell phone!

What the fuck! A hand crank for a cell phone, isn't that a step back in technology equivelent to putting retro "emergency breaks" on your car by cutting a hole in the floor board of your car so you can slam your feet on the ground like Fred Flinstone.

Fucking cranking your cell phone for five minutes of battery power, it sort of kills of your coolness factor. I mean, imagine something like that in the Matrix...

Morpheus: Neo, you have got to get out of there before they get to you!

Neo: What did you say? Fuck, give me a minute, I got to crank my cell phone, my battery is running low.

So, in the interests of boredom and freaky wierdness, I'm offically boycotting this item.

The people will not stand for this! Viva revolution on the crank cell phone!

Thats right, I'm taking a stand against this, cause if we let them get away with this today, there will be no stopping the hand crank bosses from sweeping the technology industry by slapping hand cranks on anything and everything!

Hand crank on your television in case the power goes out. Hand crank on your car in case you run out of gas. Hand crank on your "personal pleasuring devices" when your batteries are low.

We must stop this madness people! It is evil I tell you, evil!

And yes I realize I'm quite lame right now with my humor, but give me a break, the hormones in that damn turkey are kicking my ass.

God damn turkey....its in league with the hand crank cell phone people I swear.

Well, I'm going out tomorow night to see my friend Spanky's concert at the one and only "dance" club in town. Which shall be preaty cool since they learned all these kick ass new songs, though none of them are classic rock, more like hits from today. Of course I had to point out that his classic rock band really doesn't play much classic rock anymore.

Hate to point out the advious to yeah buddy, but you know I can't pass up a chance to be sarcastic.

So for some reason I agree to do shots of Southern Comfort with him after his last set. Since his band is playing at the gig, he gets free drinks all night and plans on slipping me some of them. I don't know WHY I agreed to do this since I really am not a fan of drinking anymore, but more then likely the mood set by the live music and the need to show off in front of the ladies will have me downing shots while bellowingly loudly and trying to be funny in a witty, charming kind of way. Yep, I'm pathetic like that.

Good thing I'm flat broke right now, cause last time I was there I spent about forty bucks more then I wanted to on drinks, which yielded several vodka sunrises, MGDs, half the rack of test tube shots of schnaps, and the bars speciality drink, the shark attack.

The shark attack takes some explaing to do, seems some one there got this brilliant idea to mix the left over clear and blue colored alchols into one giant fish bowl. The bring the fhis bowl over to you with a big, plastic shark stick head first out of the bowl. They set it on the table then tip the shark nose down into the bowl, which then dumps out all the greniaden inside the plastic shark. Blue drink, greniaden is a bright red, so it looks like the shark had himself a snake on a surfer with blood flowing all through the blue water.

The drink was cheap for its size, only eight bucks, and I figured if I was only going to have so much money left, I might as well get the biggest freakin drink I can and to hell with the taste cause I got me a TON more alchol in this fish bowl then in the three MGDs I could by with that money.

Yeah I know, alcholic logic, quantity over quality.

I fully regretted buying this drink, it was severly watered down, and there was SO freakin much of, I felt like I was going to drown sitting right there half way through the bowl. It took me so much willpower to finish off as much of this drink as I could, that I was becoming more and more sober the more I drink this shit.

Its a drink that defies logical thinking, the more you drink of this alchol, the more sober you get.

Of course, the drink was so big and unusual, it prompted many people to stop and ask me what in the world was I drinking. A few of them some preaty fine woman too. Of course, despite the drink killing off more and more of my buzz, I was still preaty god damn thrashed from all the other drinks I had in less then a two hour period of time and eaten one sandwhich the entire day. So I was about as charming as wet underwear under your pants with the ladies.

Wait, let me clarify that. I wasn't talking about wet panties on a girl cause she digs your grove. No no....that would denote being cool. I was more like that pair of underwear the drier didn't quite get dry, but you got to put them on anyways cause there the only clean ones left, so you walk around all day feeling like you are wearing your bathing suit under your pants cause you didn't have time to change at the pool, so now your fruit of a looms are creeping up your arse something fierce.

I was THAT kind of charming with the ladies.

I HATE how stupid I can get why I'm drunk, which is part of the reason I don't drink anymore.

I'm stupid when I'm drunk, but in a fun loving way, other people get violently stupid when there drunk and ruin everything, I never did the "lets get freaky in the bedroom" when I was drunk cause I'm on a strict policy of "If she don't want me sober, I don't want her drunk." Which can have its own complications when I'm being flirted with by someone I like, but I know they wouldn't give me the time of the day sober.

Worst case scenerio I ever had to deal with that was when this one woman I know was trying to give me tips on "seducing woman *wink wink*". So I'm sitting there casually caressing the back of my hand across her cheek tell my hand reaches the back of her neck where I then gently cup her neck, making it easy to slowly pull her in to softly kiss her. She closes her eyes and groans with a soft grin on her lips.

Whoa.....score!

Wait, wait, wait a damn minute! Isn't this the woman who said "I'll flirt with you mentally cause you stimulate me that way, but physically I won't." Its amazing how much alchol can change ones opinion.

So I back off before it goes to far, and I break something on me south of the border.

To make matters worse, a week later her mother starts hitting on me, crying on my shoulder as she tells me about her prebubesent boyfriend not coming around and more and all she wants right now is a man to comfort her.

Oh fuck........eeeeeeeerrrrrrr help.

This woman is SUCH an alcholic that she looks like she is in her late fifties, but since she has been pickling herself quite thourghly for most of her life, she is actually only in her mid thirties.

Of course she harbors the dilusions that alchol has not damaged or effected her in anyway.

Yeah sure, the excesive aging process of your body is because of to much sun from all the time you passed out on the front lawn during the day.

Of course she is also insane, can't have a single night without alchol and getting into several drag down fights with her children. This woman ACTUALLY got in a fight with her daughter at a party she was having in this guy's house who she use to give sexual favors to get money for more alchol.

He died an "Elvis" like death. Heart attack on the crapper, ended up face first on the bathroom floor, bare white ass in the air, load in the bowl. He willed her the house, and she decided what better way to morn his death then hold a huge party in his house and drink tell you kill those last few brain cells clinging desperately to life. So she gets in a fight with here daughter, gets so pissed she calls the police on the party. Ok, she OWNS the house, she BOUGHT the alchol, NOBODY at that party BUT her was legally old enough to drink.

Guess who went to jail that night.

Plus, I have this predilicition of not wanting to date old drunkin woman who shot there last husband in the legs twelve times cause she couldn't see him under the covers and thought she was shooting his head.

Call me crazy, but I try to avoid that shit.

but....I get back to the point...

So I do a lot of stupid shit when I'm drunk. From the two faced dog boy hitting on the opening bands lead singers wife. From humping a piece of 2X4 pillar in one of my friends garages. Ok I wasn't humping it, despite what they all say, I was only dancing with it....it was all sweet and innocent I swear.

For three years after that, I had to put up with "she was flat as a board and in good a good nailing" jokes of that night.

har har har har funny!! You mind I dig your eyes out with a rusty spoon.....lame fuckers.

Probably didn't help I pissed myself that night then passed out on the floor after I puked all over it.

Ok, in my defense I didn't mean to piss myself. Through the fuzzy haze of that night, I have pieced together the facts.

What I was INTENDING to do was head outside of the garage and just take a nice long leak. I had to piss on the grass in the dark, cause we where not allowed to come in the house all trashed. So I'm standing there, unzipping and gripping my one eyed devil dancer and proceed to see how far I can arc a stream.

Some time later I come awake to hearing one of my friend fiercely whispering my name. I was confused as hell, cause the last memory I had was me standing there pissing, but now I'm laying fast first in the grass wondering how the fuck did I get down here?

Well, it turns out I DREAMED whipping out throbbing meat stick of lurve, and in reality only fell face first in the grass before I unzipped.

So my friend is trying to wake me up and get me in the garage cause drunkin teenagers passed out on your front lawn has a tendency of dropping the market value of your house a few thousand dollars.

I finally get to my feet and stagger a few steps into the garage, then fall face first onto the floor which then I proceed to puke up my dinner. Which leads to a rousing game of "guess what he had for dinner by looking at his spew."

My friend who threw the party was right....stir fry.

Several hours later, I woke up just as the sun was about to set. I was all alone in the dark garage, shivering like crazy. There was this thick, low fog flowing through the open door. I decided to get up and walk home so I can clean up and sleep in my bed. Which I'm telling you, me still being half drunk and it being so foggy in the grey light of pre-sunset has to be the most sureal thing to happen to me when drunk. I couldn't tell if I was still dreaming or not and kept expecting some wierd ass monster of a half naked cheer leader to jump out of the woods at any moment.

Jesus, I hate how I get when I'm drunk, I never live this shit down.

Why oh why did I agree to drink with him at the gig.

Damn you Spanky and your free drinks!

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003