"As a matter of fact, I do. I would explain to you why, but I don't think you will understand what I mean."

Random Thoughts

*lights up a cigarette with a zippo, closing my eyes as I inhale deeply, relishing in the deep pleasure of the moment*

Ok, so I'm having a cigarette, so sue me.

Its the first one I have had in a day, and whoa is it giving me a minor head rush.

I have not strictly stayed with this quiting cold turkey plan, but it was a bad idea in the first place.

So, when the opurtunity arises, I bum off a cigarette here and there from friends.

Yes, thats not quiting, but I have cut back CONSIDERABLY how much I smoke.

In the last three days I have had a grand total of eight cigarettes. My normal smoking mode, I would have been three those first eight cigarettes in the first three our four hours of the day.

So, I'm progressing along, slowing down my smoking more and more tell the cravings aren't so overwhelming.

Of course, I'm quicker to get angry and snap back at people since I first started this, and knowing my already low tolerance for annoyances, this has made me a very touchy person right now.

Though, I think one of the things that helps me through this, other then still being to poor to buy any tobbacco, is thinking of this couple of lines I heard somewhere. I can't remember if I seen a stand up comedian say it, or if I saw it in a movie, but it helps by making me laugh instead of biting someone's head off.

Here is the lines in quiestion...

"Yeah, I was a really bad mess when I was younger. I would get all depressed and try and kill myself. I did this over and over again, try and kill myself cause I didn't want to live anymore. But now I'm better, Mister man, mister big shot. I'm better now, and I no longer try and kill myself, so what do you think of that!"

"Eh, nobody likes a quiter."

Yeah I know, very cruel and vendictive, but it still makes me laugh, even thought I wouldn't say that to anyone serious about quiting. Though I wouldn't think twice saying it to a friend who I know isn't quiting something trivial to me.

Anyways...

So, still dying for a cigarette, but my cravings aren't so bad that I'm chewing at my lower lip tell I nibble that little bastard off, looking around and seeing where I can find lose change to bundle up and run to the nearest store to purchase as many nails for my coffin as I can get my grubby hands on.

*long, blissfull, deep drag of my cigarette, then lets it out in a billowing cloud over head*

Ohhhhh thats one tastey nail, I'm telling you.

Of course, my resolve to quit is going to be severly tested tomorow night when I go and see my friend's band play at a bar down the street of me.

Its going to be hard to not bum off a few cigarettes to fellow smokers in the crowd, which is usually a lot of people. Loud music, some drinks, and smoke everywhere.

I'm going to break, I know it.....

BUT, I'm going to try and be strong. I'm not ignorant enough to think I won't ask for any cigarettes at all, but I"m going to try and keep it down to a small number of them.

Like half a pack's worth of cigarettes.

Yeah, thats not to many cigarettes for a four period of time.

Heh, kidding. My goal is only to ask for three possibly four cigarettes at the gig.

But I aint promsing shit, cause I'm a weak ass bi-otch that way.

When it comes to my addictions, which have many, I get all weak kneed when I do not have said addiction in a 24 hour period of time.

So you never know, I might end up scrounging up enough cash for drinks, only to say fuck it, buy a pack and go out with a bang.

Yep, thats what I'm telling myself, fuck it, go out with a bang.

Cause, man....I'm one weak mofo.

Proof postive since I just about singed one of my eyebrows off trying to light up a butt from the ash tray.

Could I be anymore pathetic here!?

Yeah, judging by my history, I have the potential of not only scrapping the bottom of the barrel of pathetic, but to actually excavate a hole through the earth to another barrel of patheticness JUST so I can scrape for a bit more.

Yep, this has been a great entry hasn't it folks.

Entries like thes may explain why I remain in diaryland oblivion.

Though the nice thing about that is, I don't have to worry about offending anybody, since my regular reader core is small, and are already becoming desensitized by my constant cursing,bitching, pissing and moaning.

Oblivion, don't rant without it!

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003