BLack Hawk Down

Bite your lip and grab your panties for this big suprise.

Are you ready for it....

You sure you are ready for it....

Alright, I tried to warn you.

I'm going to talk about a movie today! Now isn't that a big suprise, just about wet yourself from the shock didn't yeah.

Well I went and saw "Black Hawk Down" tonight and my god was it ever intense. The first thirty minutes is preaty normal, behind the scenes of our military force. For the rest of the movie its preaty much back to back action.

It captivated the chaos of battle, leaving you confused and not sure which way is up or down, let alone where all of them are shooting from.

For you who do not know, this movie is based on a true story set back in October of 1993 in Samulia. The current leader was taking all the food from it citzens, using it as his most powerfull weapon. In a short period of time, three hundred thousand citzens died of starvation. With the backing of the U.N. we sent in military forces to take out the current rulling system and introduce another.

Ok, thats about all the information I will mention since its a new movie and most of you would probably not want to know to much. Though, if you followed the news well enough during the time, you would know of a small group of a hundred special forces members, where sent into to gather up some major leaguge players in the goverment.

It was a simple extraction plan that they estimated would only take a half hour to complete. In the end, it took a day to get all the soliders out of that town with the hostages they took.

Little did the military know that they would be fighting almost the entire town. So the numbers where overwhelming, and thanks to a few unforseen circumstances, situations esculated.

Alright, thats enough information now. If you like a good action flick, if it gets your blood boiling and have you sitting on the edge of your seat, then I highly recommend this movie. Even if you are not a big fan of it, you should check it out to see a most recent piece of history on our armed forces.

Well it seems a few different, but wise people agree with me about the lunacy of the "man vs. woman" issue.

Which is much apreciated to know I'm not the only one standing there screaming, "what the fuck?!" in frustration.

All day long, I have had this nagging feeling like I have forgotten to do something really important, but I can't fathom what it is.

So, I went through all the normal things that would leave with this feeling, things I would put off tell the end of the weekend to prepare for, because I couldnt do anything about it tell Monday morning.

First off, the bills, yes its about time to pay them, but none of them are at the shut off notice stage, so I can't be feeling that nagging feeling over that. I have no doctor's apointments to go to this week, no paperwork that needs to be sent out, I have no shopping to do.

My house, though not sparkling fresh, is preaty much liveably clean. Can invite people in without feeling like a jack ass for having a trashed apartment. All my disehs are done but a few rare ones.

I do have to talk to my land lord about a few things needed to be fixed in my apartment, but nothing pressing or I couldn't live without.

So what the fuck is the nagging feeling then damnit!!

I don't think it helped to start off the day waking up to wondering what day it was. It took me several moments of deep concentration, well as deeply as I could go half dazed from sleep, to finally figure out it was Sunday morning. At first I thought it was Friday morning, but that didn't makes much sense so it had to be Saturday morning. No, that doesn't quite fit right either, but at the same time it "seems" right. Finally, when the cobwebs have cleared enough, I realized it was Sunday morning.

And from that moment on, the nagging feeling grew larger and larger to almost panicky states with inside me. Almost a painfully guilty for forgetting whatever it was, but knowing there isn't anything I'm forgetting.

Damn it, this is so fucking annoying cause I still can't shake this feeling.

Which makes me wonder if this is my subconscience trying to talk to me about something, but not being able to relay the information properly. Maybe a disatisfaction with my life, which is very conceviable, a growing fear of where my writing carear is heading towards, or maybe something else.

Fuck if I know, my sub conscience is playing freaking tricks on me. Which has made it preaty hard to concentrate on anything for to long or invest any kind of deep emotions for anything, except when I went to see "Black Hawk Down" tonight which was a very nice escapism from this nagging feeling in my head.

Which reminds me of something else that has been bothering me with time. I have noticed the older I get, the more desensitized I get from everything. I feel like I'm growing more and more numb inside, sort of giving up on the small issues so I don't tire myself out before I hit the bigger ones.

Less and less suprises me these days, and the majority of the time it takes a preaty big issue to suprise me anymore or even stir a large enough emotion in me that the feelings in me don't feel somewhat vacant, lacking in the normal peaks they would reach.

In ways its very helpfull since I don't get as easily angry about every little thing, but at the same time its a bit scary to be feeling like this. Its almost like if you give me ten more years a bit more experience in certain situations, I could watch someone get shot in front of me and not even bat an eye over it.

Which is a preaty disturbing thought, but feels right with how numb I can feel inside.

Now in reality I probably would be freaking at seeing someone get shot, but its hard to concieve getting out of control with emotions over it.

I just don't get freaked anymore like I used to, and I don't feel as deeply about things as I used to.

When I was younger, I used to be somewhat of a weeper, a overly emotional child to my father's supreme dislike. It became excepted that I would be get easily upset to the point of throwing up, because it was just how I was. As my multi-faceted mother would call me, I am the "artistic type, and they are always overly emotional."

Now, I find it hard to bring up such emotions to even make feel misty eyed. Sure there are still plenty of things that can move me emotionally. Things like suffering, hatred, racism, things like that. But most of the time I feel a bit dead inside, almost like a cyborg lacking in any kind of emotional response.

Maybe I have seen to much of the same thing, maybe I have heard the same story from to many people over and over.

Maybe my hatred for people doing whatever the fuck they want as long as they say I'm sorry sometime later, is numbing me more and more inside. I can take only so many "accidents" followed by lack luster "I'm sorry" from people tell it starts getting on my nerves, then after enough time I don't even give a shit about it anymore.

Sure you are not going to do that ever again, sure you are not lying about this or that, sure you will not be so stupid in the future. Oh, you did it again, what a big fucking suprise. Here, let me hit play on the recorded sorry for you, wouldn't want you spraining a finger just so you can give me the well rehearsed, "I'm really, truelly sorry."

I'm begining to even hate saying I'm sorry for my own actions, even though I truelly mean it. I really am growing an intolerance for this word, its sounding less sincere from people and more like a weak excuse.

Holy hell, I'm becoming my father.

My father, a man who couldn't stand a single explanation for why something wasn't done. As far as he was concerned, they where all just a bunch of excuses you made in order to justify not getting it done.

Oh hell, if I started talking about how great country music is or frusting every last living soul around me turning non-smokers into smokers and rational human beings into incoherent, dazed children, just shoot me because I AM my father.

Wait, that last one is a bit of a cool trick to do, I always wondered how he can make even the strongest willed person weep like a little girl. I'm starting to see it.....yes father I will come to the dark side of the force.

Great, I'm numb inside but I STILL can't avoid being a geek.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003