Now seeing as I only write the most suck ass poems the world has come across. I felt the need to contribute a poem of my own off the top of my head.

Its right here in case you are curious.

And I do say so myself, I should win some awards for this particular poem. Maybe "suck ass poem of the year" or "the poem that made me projectile vomit".

So I was just thinking about this incident I had quite awhile back ago at one of Spanky's shows.

This really attractive woman was talking to a few friends of mine at the show. I was so blown back by this woman, she was very stunning lucking, dressed very well, and had the most amazing smile.

So of course, I'm thinking of what way could I come across the coolest to her. I figure at first sight I'm already in the whole with woman, so I need to do something special to impress a lady if I want her to pay attnetion to me. Which is something I rarely do because I'm so socially inept.

I try to be suttle about it, not come across desperate or give that creepy stalker vibe. So I do my best to play it cool......well ok so I TRY to play it cool. Usually I'm severly quiet and try and not be looking at the woman when she looks over at me.....don't want her thinking I'm staring at her like some perv when all that happened was I happened to stop and look at her just as she looks over at me.

It doesn't help that I'll just stare off into space when I'm lost in thought, which has been misinterupted many times in my life. Like when I was just sitting there starring straight ahead, so lost in thought I was completely ablivious of everything around me tell a friend nudged me and said, "dude, you are starring at her as WAY to intently."

So either I'm severly quiet, or I end up going overboard cracking jokes making a general ass of myself. That usually happens when I've had way to much to drink in a short period of time.

Well, I decide the best way I can play it cool with her is make simple eye contact, give her a soft, but self assured smile then say, "how you doin."

Thats how I planned it, but if you know me well enough, you'll know thats not how it happened.

That night I had a few cold beers....very foamy draft beers. So I looked at her, my eyes locked on hers showing her how atentive I am to her words, self confident enough to look into her eyes without self conciously looking away, but not staring hard enough to creep her out. I gave her my best and most charming smile....then....as the words came out of my mouth.....I ripped a big ol' beer burp.

You know the kind I'm talkin about. It comes at you like a suprise as you are talking so your words come out in one long burp.

how you doinnnnnnnnnnnnuuuuuuurrrrrppppppppp

My eyes went as wide as saucers, my lips slammed shut so hard you could hear the skin flapping together. I was shocked, stunned, and completely embarassed.

What in the world could I say after that? I just greeted her like I'm some frat boy at a kegger.

Pretty much I didn't say another thing to her for the rest of the night and avoided all forms of eye contact.

This reminds me of another very embarassing moment in my life.

I was at this small restraunt alone, as I usually am. I have my book and a pack of smokes. I'm enjoying my soda, lost in my book, smoking the occasional cigarette. I stop long enough to see these two attractive young ladies at a table not to far from me. I can see that they once and awhile look over at me then quietly whisper to each other.

Oh yeah, I got the cool "smart loner enjoying the company of a good book and my thoughts" kind of vibe going on.

Thats when my ass decides I've far surpassed my level of coolnees and I need to be knocked down several rungs of the ladder.

So I can feel this fart slowly creeping through my bowls, down towards my ass, ready to blast off. I try fighting it, but its one of those farts you just cann't restrain because its a rebel man, no bonds can hold me back!!!

Ok, so I deal with the fact I gotta rip one so how am I going to do this without tipping off the cuteys. Well, there table is pretty far away so unless the aproached me or this is one toxic of a fart, the smell shouldn't hit them. Even if it does, its a pretty crowded restraunt and I'm far away enough that they would probably think it was someone else.

So, I start slowly letting it ease out of me so its a quiet release of gas. To add to my cover, I casually raise my glass of pop to my lips and take a sip as if nothing is happening.

Well, with my luck in full force, I manage to accidently inhale a little bit of that pop into my lungs which sends me into a coughing fit. A very powerfull coughing fit.....

So there I am, coughing up my left lung, the force ot it blasting the fart out my ass very loudly. And would you lokey here, that fart had a few friends. So with each hard cough I had, my ass blasted off yet another explosive fart.

coughcough

POW cough POW POW coughcough POW coughcoughcough

chokepppppffffftttttt

Christ, I'm so uncool sometimes its painfull.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003