Then I see this Maxim magazine cover and I had to do a double take. Starring at this thing with a mingle of arousal and deep horror; I�m perplexed what exactly is so appealing about this photo spread. Then I realize what it is, bare ass, she has her bare ass sticking up in a very inviting manner.

Ah, that makes more sense to me now. They are selling her new image with sex. So my eyes see the bare ass, my loins translates it to �hubba hubba�, and my brain wonders what the fuck my dick is thinking. Then I get a look at the rest of her body and my dick reacts like it woke up next to Sally Struthers after a night of heavy drinking.

I�ve seen more meat on a Cornish game hen then she has. Then I read a little blurb on the side by her saying she feels more secure with her body now because she is now �thick�. I swear I wanted to laugh so hard my brain would explode. I�ve seen toothpicks thicker then this woman.

My god what the hell has the music business come to when a scrawny little pop star like that thinks she is �thick�.

Unless she meant �thick in the head� then I can totally see that.

Ladies are you in a quandary on what is that �perfect� gift for your man this year?

Sure us men know what you want because diamond commercials say that all women will truly love there men as long as they buy that diamond ring. Nothing says loving like spending three months of your income on one present small enough to lose down your kitchen sink.

The thing is what do you get the man whose only wish this Christmas is an entertainment center big enough to see from space?

Well that�s an easy one, you give him head.

Oh no not any just regular everyday �you didn�t manage to fuck up today� kind of head. I�m talking about the porno quality �my god does she love to suck that dick� kind of head.

Now I�m not saying with this gift you should show it in front of the whole family. In no way am I suggesting you tell your man to drop trow in the middle of the living room so you can get with the good Christmas head. Oh no, that would be most inappropriate.

That�s where my team of experts steps in and makes the �one free colossal head� coupon of a lifetime!

You see we have created on aged parchment a very fine piece of craftsmanship that is sure to please your man to no end. On this piece of parchment some of the finest hands at calligraphy have meticulously wrote out a contract, to your man, for one of your patented �there is a God� blow jobs. We have carefully rolled up this contract and placed it in a very handsome silver case with light gold trim. All you need to do is hand him the scroll tube as is, leave the rest to us!

We have worked hard on crafting a most exquisite looking letter that your man will be left in awe just from the beauty of our work. And when he reads our formal contract, stand back, because then you have on your hands one bonafied happy camper there!

We include the hand crafted letter on fine, aged parchment. The silver tube that contains the contract that will leave your man as giddy as a little school girl. Along with this you get a small vile of ink and a feather quelled ink pen that you can use long after the contract is up!

You can have all this for three easy payments of $29.99. If you make a fourth payment we will throw in etchings of your husband�s name on the tube along with an artist rendering of his face after he has read the contract!

Because after all you do love your man, don�t you want to make him happy?

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003