Come on, you�ll really enjoy this one. It�s a fuckin laugh riot I swear!

See this all starts thanks to the financial windfall of Dragonhawke and Ex-Prego, my good friends and next door neighbors. Thanks to a tidy sum of money coming in from many sources they decided to get themselves back into the cable world.

Specifically Ex-Prego checked for the prices of digital cable and a cable modem. After being quoted the prices she realized how close a package deal of digital cable w/ cable modem is to my advanced cable w/ cable modem price. This means I�m pretty much screwing myself out of digital cable having my cable and my modem be separated on my bill.

Fuck me if I know what that means. The shit is still all on one bill. Some how I would be saving money if I upgraded my service and had it as one block payment rather then separated in categories. Hell maybe they appreciate the little bit of ink they are saving so much they would give me a free digital cable box.

So I give the eight hundred number in the phone book a call and see if this is true or not. So I get a customer service representative for my cable company on the phone and I begin grilling him like I�ve got a convicted drug dealer under the spot light.

ME: *shinning bright light into his eyes* Come on, buddy. Your ass is grass and Jailhouse Bubba is ready to fill your divots with his special dipping stick. Give up your contacts and I�ll let you go easily.

Customer Service Guy aka �prison bitch": But�but�I only work here! I don�t know what you�re talking about!

ME: *back hands him across the cheek* Don�t feed me that line, buddy! I know you have half of Columbia�s finest up your ass. Either you give up your contacts or I let Lonely Pete with the bear sized hands extract our evidence in a night so friendly �I�ll call you in the morning, we�ll do lunch� kind of way.

Facts come out it�s not the same price as I�m paying right now as according to my bill. It in fact is two dollars more then I�m paying now. This brings my grand total savings to three dollars.

Ooohhh three dollars. You go big spender.

Ok so I�ll save only three dollars right now, but here is the thing. I�m currently on a three month deal with my cable modem. The first three months my current cable modem is twenty dollars off. With this package deal I�ll be paying two dollars more then I am now, but come three months from now it won�t go up twenty more dollars.

Two dollars more then my current cable bill will be my bill till the package deal price goes up if it ever does.

Ok now I went from saving three dollars a month for the next three months, but after that I�ll be saving twenty three dollars a month instead.

Hell ya, sign my ass up!

So he starts talking about sending a tech over to my house tomorrow or Monday to hook up my new digital cable box for me. I say nay to your tech guy my brand new best friend! I, and I say this with a modicum of modesty, am technology literate! I will do thy techie�s work for him! Let him stay there and have a glazed, fruity flavored doughnut on me.

Being an impatient fucker for digital cable I opted to run out and get one from the main office outside of town. Hell I had running around to do already. I�ll just add on �stop at the cable company� on the list.

And it�s not like it takes a Masters Degree in�.er�.really high tech cable�stuff to hook up the digital cable box.

Step 1: Screw main cable line into digital cable box.

Step 2: Screw spare cable cord into out plug.

Step 3: Screw out cable cord into the in cable plug on the VCR.

Step 4: Repeat steps 2 and 3 but make it out cable plug on VCR and in cable plug on cable ready television.

I�m sure I probably just lost everyone who�s VCR has been blinking 12:00 since 1992, but seriously. Pick up a manual once and awhile. Reading, it�s your friend and solution to your problem!

So feeling confident in myself I head out to the cable company�s office forgetting how hateful of a place that is.

See I�ve been forced in a situation or five that has resulted me going out there and sitting around for the bus to finally come pick my ass up. Ok the forcing is my entire fault because I�m a delinquent bill paying mother fucker.

No seriously, I am a �mother fucker� by it�s truest definition. In fact I�m giving it to a mother on a regular basis right now and can I say. It is good.

And no it�s not my mother, but she is a mother none the less. Dirty minded, sick people! Jeez, with my mom! Get out and away from the internet porn once and awhile. I mean really.

So being the delinquent bill paying mother fucker *wink, wink, nudge, nudge* I�ve been privy to more then one conversation between employees I�m better of not knowing.

Ok how to tell this without actually giving up what they said while forgetting I�m sitting in a chair that is within hearing distance of there shrill voices. Imagine two snarky, gossip talking women who absolutely hate working with the public. Now make them they only two clerks at the desk at all times that deal with, you guessed it, the public. Now throw in enough attitude to be able to pimp slap Mike Tyson in his hay day while screaming �BITCH, GIMME A SAMMICH!�

Add in lots of wide eyed stares with plenty of head movement with every word they say. Then throw in the super ego and cockiness of two ladies who know they work for a company that holds a choke hold monopoly for cable in this town. And you would have right there these two, fine, upstanding citizens.

When I say two, fine, upstanding citizens I really mean �soon to be the first victims of the live and true to life reenactment of the Salem witch trials.�

And that head weaving and bobbing thing, good god it�s hard to look at.

Any of you remember that trinket you could buy where you had a bunch of frogs holding instruments and any time you made a loud noise like clapping they would dance around.

Yeah I think these ladies have that software implanted in there skulls and the activating noise to the chip would be there own voices.

So joy of joys I find myself willingly going out there today because I just can�t wait a few days for my digital cable. Instant gratification, monkey on my back and the fucker is smoking all my cigarettes.

Wanting to get this done quick I move up to the counter and rattle off what I was told over there eight hundred customer support line. Hook my ass up to the digital cable w/ cable modem package deal right now!

Now mind you I didn�t say it like that actually. I was more polite, concise with my words, and directly to the point.

Then she just stared at me wide eyed and the head started bobbing and weaving like a prize fighter while she stood there in silence.

Oh shit, software in her head as fucked up and gone hay wire. Abort mission, I repeat abort mission!

Yet I can�t move from the spot. I�m transfixed by that bobbing and weaving head. Damn it, it has a secondary effect of hypnotizing its victim before going in for the kill.

Then she starts babbling at me a mile a minute about not knowing what the hell I�m talking about. A technique I�m more then sure is meant to turn my brain to mush thus making it easier to digest.

ME: But�.but that�s what the costume representative told me on your eight hundred number.

Wicked cable clerk aka Cobra Con: What eight hundred number?

*The one I called in hopes I could talk nasty to your mother. What the fuck do you mean what eight hundred number? There is only one in the fucking phone book!

Wicked cable clerk aka Cobra Con: Listen I don�t know what eight hundred number you are talking about.

*Yeah like you have a million eight hundred numbers and just can�t keep track of them. I don�t know about you, brain, but if one equals a million then I really need to go back to school. This new math is obviously fucking with my brain.

Wicked cable clerk aka Cobra Con: The closest package deal we have hear that sounds like that costs thirty dollars more then that.

*The thoughts running through my head at the time.

Thirty fucking dollars! Are you fucking with me or is this just foreplay!

So according to the Broom Hilda here the package deal on the phone I was quoted is wrong. Not only that, but some how the same thing I have plus a five dollar digital cable box costs twice the price in a package deal.

Is anyone else completely baffled by this or is it just me?

So I said fuck it. I have a bus waiting for me outside and I�m not going to lose it just to argue with her.

Now tomorrow I�m going to have to call up the eight hundred number and find out what the fuck is going on.

My preferred method of this is finding the costumer service agent who told me this package deal. Find out what his home address is. March my ass on over there and put him in a head lock while knocking on his skull while say, �HELLO! McFLY ARE YOU IN THERE!�

Then after I�m done thoroughly humiliating him in front of his wife and kids *if luck is with me that is*. I�ll get him to repeat this package deal to me after I ask him a few precise questions so there is no confusion here.

Questions to ask the numb nuts what�s up with the prices, biznitch!

1: Do you know that I�m currently on a three month, half price on cable modem deal?

In case that factors into getting the package deal or not.

2: Do you know if the price you quoted, baring the package deal�s price going up sometime in the future, a set number even after that three months is up?

3: Does this package apply to the city I live in?

In case the monopoly here is really giving us the shaft because we have no alternatives. So instead the price given to me at the office is the price that applies.

4: Will I be charged a service fee if a tech comes out and hooks up the digital cable box?

Because really after this I don�t want to go back and pick up the box and deal with the Roseanne of the cable company world again.

5: Do you know my ass itches right now?

6: Would you scratch my ass for me?

7: After you scratched my ass did you feel like a dirty, dirty girl?

You know, all the specifics I need to work out this deal.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003