Well Monday Ex-Prego and I did our usual food shopping for the month trip.

One of the sales I was thinking of taking advantage of was the cheap ass Kool-Aid and sugar sale they had.

Kool-Aid being ten cents a pack and Pioneer five pound bags of sugar being half off I couldn�t resist an offer like this. I mean it is a cheap ass drink, but mixed right it is some good shit.

So me and Ex-Prego stock up on so much Kool-Aid each that we just end up taking one of the empty boxes left sitting there and filled one up for each of us.

Then we head over to where the sugar is and�not a single freakin bag of the sale sugar left!

Alright that�s not an unusual thing, seeing sale items run out especially when it�s a staple item like sugar.

But it was Monday late afternoon! The sale started the day before that and all of it was gone already.

Fuck people love there sugar apparently.

So Ex-Prego runs off to find an employee in hopes they have more waiting in the back to re-stock the shelves.

A few minutes later she comes back holding two rain checks and a dejected look on her face.

Let me tell you this right now�I fucking hate rain checks on food items. I�m there I want my product. I don�t want to have to come back later and hand over a useless piece of paper as if they reserve a bag of sugar just for me in the back room. Sealed in a freakin vault and the only way I can get to it is if I hand over a blood and DNA sample.

Nope it�s not fucking happening. I know my attention span and how shitty my short term memory is. If I don�t get this shit now I�m never getting it.

So I say �wait here� then I go on the hunt for the friendly workers.

See I seem to establish a friendly basis with workers at a store if I go there long enough. These people who give me a smile, a cheery hello, and a few friendly words back and forth.

Now I�m being a nice guy when I do this, but I�m also planning ahead.

These are the people I seek out when I�m in need of some help. The people who go a little bit out of there way to help me out.

I dub them�the cool people I like to associate with or�the coolies.

Well I happened to see one of the coolies in the store earlier. Already established some talks, some laughs, and even shared my famous taco dip recipe with him.

We are on good terms here people I�m telling you.

So when the sugar crisis happens I immediately seek this guy out.

Not only was he happy to help me, but grateful that I pulled him away, if only for a few minutes, restocking the yogurt shelves. A fact he admitted to me earlier that he hated doing because of how much of a mess customers make of the yogurt shelves. So he was more then happy that I sought him out to help me.

I�m a fuckin evil genius sometimes I swear!

So this guy says fuck the rain checks and instead marks down another brand of sugar to the current sales price.

But does he pick the next cheapest, which is the store brand sugar, to mark down to the sales price?

NAY! That�s right I said nay!

He instead picked the most expensive name brand sugar on the shelf and marked it down the sales price. Effectively cutting the price of that sugar to a third its original price.

So you know Ex-Prego and I just had two get two bags of it marked down a piece.

You just have to do it.

As he is doing that he tells us exactly how much sugar they had waiting for this sale. Apparently they originally had three pallets of the shit in the back room for this sale. But in a matter of a day every last bag they had was gone.

Those three pallets held a grand total of six tons of sugar.

Six fucking tons of fucking sugar sold in one fucking day!

I�m more then shocked by this. I worked out the numbers and by the current census survey of the city�s population.

The sale of sugar in that day alone works out to be roughly a little over a pound of sugar per person in this town.

And given fluctuations of sales do to lack of interest and lack of product by the end of the week if this one day�s buying holds true that number will shoot up to a little over ten pounds of sugar per person populating this town.

I don�t know about you, but that�s just fucking crazy!

I�ll know if my calculations are correct if I see in the newspaper a sudden wave of sugar commas accruing.

And because I haven�t written anything base, crass, and vulgar enough in quite awhile. It is time to talk about masturbation.

It feels good. We all do it, but not all admit to it.

But that�s not why I want to talk about it currently.

I have, in my vast intelligence in all that is dick, fart, and self gratification humor have come up with a new, ultimate way to comically refer to male masturbation.

Gone are the days where I refer to it as polishing the purple helmeted yogurt slinger. No more with the beating the bald guy like a red headed step child. Nay I say to saying I�ll be slapping the pickle till it spews vinegar.

NO MORE I SAY!

For I have come to all of you with a new term in male comical masturbation terms.

It is here written upon this stone tablet that I�ok to biblical, I�ll get right to it then.

Helmet rubin lovin.

Bask in it�s glory my brother and sistahs!

For I�shall be participating in helmet rubin lovin in a matter of minutes just cause I can!

Well that and because it feels so good and works better then any freakin sleeping pill on the market.

So all ye know this� for now on thy shall refer to it to helmet rubin lovin and nothing else! This I do decree.

Or you can just say fuck you Chrome, I�ll what I want! And I�ll say to bad slappy you�re doing it or I�m tazering your balls. Then you would be all like �oh you said helmet rubin lovin I thought you said he melt in the oven kind of lovin! Gee my bad.� And I�ll see through your fa�ade of weak back pedaling and I shall mock you with my exuberant and highly over acted evil laugh.

Cause as we know from my bubble wrap entries I�m a cruel lord, but I do take my joys in the strangest of places.

It's about time - Wednesday, Jul. 07, 2004
An Honor for Chrome - Friday, Feb. 20, 2004
A great loss - Monday, Oct. 20, 2003
a terrible announcement. - Tuesday, Sept. 09, 2003
Chrome speaks: - Friday, Sept. 05, 2003